Tactics of a Narcissistic Mother by Gail Meyers

A Christian Malignant Narcissist Mother?

Christian Malignant Narcissist Mother quote by Gail Meyers

When I say that evil has to do with killing,
I do not mean to restrict myself to corporeal murder.
Evil is that which kills spirit.
Dr. M. Scott Peck
People of the Lie 


© by Gail Meyers 

My narcissistic personality disordered mother pretended to be exactly everything she was not, including a "selfless saint" or "martyred mother." The "Christian" narcissist mother may play the "martyred mother" when it suits her purposes, but it is well established that the "martyred mother" in a dysfunctional family is the one controlling and manipulating the entire family. When you hear something like, "I tried to be a good mother, but..." you know the martyr is on stage manipulating.

This is the absolute epitome of how a narcissistic mother pretends to be exactly opposite of what they actually are. A mother high on the narcissism spectrum, what some consider the very embodiment of evil, parading as a "selfless saint" and "martyred Christian" mother. This is the epitome of a wolf in sheep's clothing!

So this narcissist parading as a "selfless saint" Christian consistently bypasses Christ's death on the cross, the single most important foundational belief of their professed Christianity, and instead attempts to load her sins onto the head of another human being. To top it all off, not any human being, but her own child - the scapegoat.  God did not buy it when Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent, and He certainly sees through this routine.

This same narcissist will try to turn around and beat their child into submission with the biblical text taken out of context in order to use it as a pretext for manipulation, abuse and control. That is exactly what cults do, take biblical text out of context in order to use it as a pretext. This is just one more similarity between families with narcissistic personality disordered parents and cults. It is nothing less than stunning how closely the two parallel one another.

There are those who masquerade behind goodness for the very reason they are pretenders concealing their exact opposite chronic behavior.  There are examples in every religion from parents to church leaders.  They profess themselves to be devout, yet their behavior betrays their charade.

Enduring such spiritual abuse can definitely turn one away from God and Christianity, blaming God or the faith rather than the pretender.  That was exactly the result in my own life as a young adult.  My faith was used against me until I was so bound up it is nothing less than a miracle my faith survived.  Had it stopped there I would have assumed what she displayed and represented was God and Christianity.

When comparing the enduring, persistent characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder, one can hardly miss the striking similarly to what the Bible calls evil.  What was displayed was not the Christian faith of the Bible.  The Bible would frame it as evil concealed and masquerading behind a facade of professed Christianity, or evil masquerading as good.

In reality, the characteristics of narcissism are diametrically opposed to Christianity.  So, she was not a "Christian malignant narcissist."  There is no such thing!  She was a  narcissist masquerading as a Christian in the same way she masqueraded as a loving mother.  


Begin Healing Spiritually

As other adult sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers have shared, spiritual abuse was also very much a part of the abuse in my narcissistic family of origin.  Based on comments received in the past, this appears to be a shared experience among many of us.

Regardless of the religious affiliation, the techniques are often the same.  It is taking biblical text out of context in order to use it as a pretext.  The motivation is not to lovingly instruct or protect, but to manipulate, control, shame and destroy.  This motivation in and of itself is unbiblical.  Jesus forgave many in the Bible, but came down hard on the Pharisees.  They were the religious leaders of the day - a pompous, legalistic bunch who burdened the people with hundreds of additional rules while losing the spirit of the law in the process. 

Spiritual abuse can be a devastating form of abuse because the narcissistic mother invariable uses twisted scripture to justify her abuse, blame what is actually her behavior on God, and deeply shame the child.  This can result in the spiritual devastation or destruction of a child who may be convinced even God is against him or her.

Personally, I grew up thinking of God as a cosmic Grandfather who was sitting up in heaven just waiting for me to make a mistake so He could clobber me.  This was thanks not only to a narcissistic family, but also a spiritually dead, dysfunctional church filled with pretenders such as my alcoholic pedophile deacon step-father.

In my young eyes God was mean, harsh and impossible to please, which coincidentally, was similar to my parents in a narcissistic family.  I was so angry at God in my early 20's that I told Him I was done with it.  So, for a brief period of time the narcissistic family succeeded in turning me away from this most important relationship, as they attempted to destroy so many others.  Don't let them succeed in it!

Thankfully, God was big enough to handle it and never let go of me.  Thank God for Dr. Paul Meier of the then Minirith-Meier Clinic.  Only a few months later through his radio show, then his books, he gave me the information I needed to begin seeing the truth. 


Read the Bible

One of the first things I did at that time was read the Bible for myself, cover to cover.  When kept in context, the overwhelming theme is one of love.  Then, one of the first concepts Dr. Meier introduced me to is there is much lost in translation because the original languages are so much richer than English.

For example, there are four different words for love based on whether it is agape love, brotherly love, passionate love, etc., as opposed to our one word.  Dr. Meier presented this in his book Free to Forgive, which happened to be one of the exact verses I was told proved the Bible has contradictions. 

This is also a good example of the healthy, balanced psychology in the Bible - meaning guidance for maintaining our mental health and relationships with others.  (The term “psychology” actually derives from the Greek root, psyche or soul, and relates to a study of the soul or spirit, even though that is not the current popular use of the word). 

In Galatians 6 we are told to bear one another's burdens.  Then, it says each one is to bear their own burdens.  It appears to be an obvious contradiction, but it is actually guidance for setting healthy boundaries.  It is the richness of the words lost in translation.  It actually says:

Each one is to bear their own burdens.  The word translated burdens here is similar to a comfortable load such as a backpack.  This could also be seen as your daily personal responsibilities.

Bear one another's burdens.  Burdens here is a heavy, crushing load.  In other words, when someone has a heavy, crushing load that is too much for one person, get up under it with him.

This is an example of balanced healthy boundaries in the Bible.  In other words, do not be codependent.  Do not hand someone else your backpack.  Do not carry someone else's backpack.  You carry your backpack.  Let your mother carry her backpack.  When there is a heavy, crushing load ask for help.

False Brethren and False Teachers

In The People of the Lie, Dr. M. Scott Peck wrote:

Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself as well as from others than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture.
Many of us have learned the hard way that someone is not necessarily a Christian just because they claim to be.  Sadly, this applies to leaders in the church too.  The Christian faith is based on the Bible, which also warns us to beware of false believers and false teachers.

These are not struggling Christians, but those intentionally misleading others in order to harm them and turn them away from their faith.  Of course, always listen to any check you have in your spirit.  Additionally, the Bible instructs us to test a teacher prior to accepting his teachings.

The only way you can do that is if you know the Bible for yourself.  If you are not allowed to question the leadership that should send up a red flag about the church.  In any case, we learn to spot a fake by studying the real thing.  In the simplest of analogies, you learn to spot a fake one hundred dollar bill by studying the real thing.

Overall, it should not surprise us that many narcissistic mothers masquerade as saints in many religions.  Their evil deeds are done in the darkness and their fear is being exposed to the light.  So it would follow that one of the last places you are going to find a narcissist is submitting themselves to the intense exposure of therapy.

One of the ongoing processes of recovery is exposing the many lies we were taught.  Once I uncovered enough of the lies I was taught about the Bible, I was able to see the same pattern that was used to destroy other relationships.  

Part of a narcissistic mother's routine is often convincing her scapegoats everyone, yes, even God, is on her side, as she simultaneously works to destroy other relationships.  Well, by the grace of God she did not destroy this relationship.  The very book used to beat me as a child very much condemns her behavior.  Quite the contrary to what I had been brainwashed into believing as a child.  



Comments

  1. I agree with your assessment. I went to a church run by a malignant narcissist/psychopath. He managed either to gather Ns around him or to create Ns amongst the eldership. This in turn led to N behaviour in the congregation and many Ns managed to get leadership status (a big deal but also a poisoned chalice). What I now find fascinating is that the ex-members of this group who get together to discuss their experiences have amongst them some Ns who love the victim status as much as they loved the leader status. I see cruel, unusual, slanderous and hostile behaviour in these victims and have in the past put it down to the effects of living with years of abuse and then being shunned. The problem is that I have spoken to a lot of victims from this church and most will behave badly but you can see that their behaviour is not malicious. Some of these people are malicious and if you know Ns (I had an malignant N mother) then you can pick the Ns out of the group.

    It never ceases to amaze me how murky and ugly the waters become in Narcissist land and how hard it is to understand the behaviour of those who aren't narcissists themselves but support and protect the Narcissist forever.

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    1. My narcissist mother pretends that she is a Christian too. She distorted scripture to punish and keep me in line when I was growing up. I learned of my mothers illness 13 years ago but a recent death in our family brought us back in to connection for about a year or so. We went back to the same games, the same manipulations and smear campaigns. She was the grieving widow, I became again the victim of her rage because I did not call her on the day she told me to, but as can be expected, it reversed and the story became me raging at her.

      I am so angry. This personality disorder is crazy making. At one point, years ago, I was sitting in a church service but I got so angry that I left. I went to my car but before I got in, I threw the Bible she gave me in a nearby lake. I know I am allowing her to damage my relationship with God, at the moment. I can't give her this kind of power.

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  2. My mother was the ultimate malignant narcissist masquerading as a "devote Christian". She went to church each and every Sunday without fail But, not to praise God. She went so others would praise her.

    She had a nice singling voice ( but couldn't be in the choir because "they know nothing compared to her"). While the service was going on, she was fumbling through the hymnal to be on the right page for the next hymn. She would be the first to jump up so everyone would see how "she was the only one who knew when to stand to sing"

    When someone commented that she had a nice singing voice, it was a good few hours afterwards. If not, the raging began before we left the church parking lot. She had nothing nice to say about anyone in the church..."This one thinks she's this...or...this one thinks she's so wonderful". In fact it was jealousy and her targets were women she didn't even know or converse with. No, she was too good for them.

    For a woman who went to church every Sunday, and bragged about it comparing others - mainly me- as far beneath her and less "holy or devote", God wasn't allowed in her house. She reigned supreme using the Bible " Honor your mother and father" which meant destruction for the scapegoat - me.

    Ask her what the sermon was about and she couldn't tell you. But, she convinced people that her going to church for one hour a week put her above the rest of humanity and they bought into it!.

    This woman merely used the church and God for more narcissist supply and the Bible to support her control and power. EVIL is putting it mildly.

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