Do Not Become a Narcissist's Flying Monkey Video © by Gail Meyers A narcissistic personality disordered mother has flying monkeys. This is a term taken from The Wizard of Oz , where the flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch. The flying monkeys may be your neighbor, church members, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, nieces, nephews, etc. These people do the narcissist's dirty work and often pour their own abuse on the scapegoat. I spent years of my life trying to show various flying monkeys the truth. It virtually never worked, not once in the twenty or so years I kept trying to "clear the air" or to finally be understood. They do not understand because they do not want to understand. Many are willfully ignorant and blind to the situation. There is not some magical phrase and method you have not yet discovered that is suddenly going to cause these people to stand up for the truth. What I have realized is t...
As a daughter of a narcissistic mother and enabling father, I have always had this question! Thanks for the article it really releases the burden of feeling like you must honor them as an adult. I am completely free of the abuse now but I never fully understood until now how God expected me to honor such evil...the beauty is he doesn't.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so glad to hear you are completely free of the abuse! Thank you for taking the time to share you thoughts.
DeleteMy poisonous narcissistic mother was pure evil! She was a furball spewed up from Hell. Thank you so much Gail. You are so sweet and kind. Those at church always took her side and told me I was the bad one. That makes sense because they are all narcissistic abusers themselves. My advice. Run as fast as you can from them and don't look back.
DeleteThis answered so many of my questions and has helped to calm my heart. Thank you so much for this.
ReplyDeleteI have been entangled in this lie for my whole life. It had crossed my mind a few times over the years while under the clutches of my mother that there must be some other truth about what "to honor" her really means but I never had the emotional strength to look into it. My N mother passed away in 2005 but I have only been released from her clutches for only a few weeks. I am realizing that I am not flawed after all. I am very much injured but I am getting help and healing is finally coming. Thank you for clearing up this deadly trap.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so glad you have realized you are not flawed and that you are healing. I share your experience of having been snared in this and other deadly traps of a narcissistic personality disordered mother. There is always a lie in there we have been taught and believed. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences.
DeleteAs the christian daughter of a malignant narcissist mother who claims to believe in God I have done some study on this matter as it is something I have struggled with.
ReplyDeleteI have come across this interesting verse in Proverbs 26:1 and also in verse 8. "Honor is not fitting for a fool". If you then read through the book of Proverbs on the characteristics of a fool you will see that narcissists fit into these descriptions without any trouble at all. Here are some characteristics I have compiled for fools:
deceitful, rages, self-confident, no delight in understanding, contentious, destructive, perverse lips, repeats their folly, their foolishness will not depart, rages or laughs at the wise, vents all his feelings, quick tempered, an atheist, corrupt, blasphemous, reproaches God, spreads slander, to do evil is like sport, troubles his own house, is right in his won eyes, proclaims foolishness, proud and the classic Proverbs 14 the foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands.
Who hasn't met a narcissistic parent, mother in particular, who loves to do wickedness and will destroy her own family with her own hands? This is the classic biblical fool.
These are the characteristics of a narcissist without doubt. Therefore it is clear that to give honor to a narcissist is not right. We cannot honor our parents if they are narcissists.
My NPD malignant mom does every one of these except she pretends to be a christian with her Catholic rules that she doesn't even follow. What is most destructive is that she never wanted a close family, she pitted me the scapegoat against my dad and golden brother and would allow them to call me names and rage and swear at me. She would just smirk. Amazing that this woman was given to me as my mother. She never hugged me. She was jealous of me. I could go on and on on what she did. When I was a parent I was never jealous of my own daughter. I had a few fleas that needed to be repaired and I repented. I was so happy that my daughter was bright and beautiful. And the foolish woman that tears down her house was my mother...She has destroyed lives and enjoys to cause pain.
DeleteAs an empath,a god loving and a daughter of 2 Narcissistic Parents I literally feel sickness inside.I think about what HORRIBLE examples of a parents they were and STILL ARE. They PRIDE THEMSELVES TO EACH OTHER AND TO MY CHILD as to how "Great they are and they are without any flaws" they speak about themselves as idols. They tell their children lies about each other and themselves. When called out on it...WATCH OUT!! A WAR BEGINS INSIDE A HOME THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE! Never ever have I felt SAFE WITH MY PARENTS. From childhood especially. Their OBSESSION to seemingly purposely, to DESTROY any good that happened to their children. Being the oldest, abuse sounds like a JOKE compared to the HORRIFIC THINGS I'VE BEEN CALLED BY MY PARENTS and OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS, like REPROBATE,WASTE OF SPACE,WORTHLESS,NEVER BE ANYTHING GOOD IN LIFE,NOONE WILL EVER LOVE ME BECAUSE I'M NOT LOVEABLE". Only a few of the countless hateful things spewed to me as a CHILD!!!! Um. That's exactly the opposite of Christianity. The one word which would cause my mother to PHYSICALLY ATTACK ME AS A CHILD WAS...hypocrite. I remember stating it so many times as a child and the ruthless punishment I got ADDITIONALLY for TELLING THE TRUTH!! It sucks to feel and be alone when you are REMINDED THAT YOU ARE BY YOUR OWN FAMILY. CONSTANTLY. My worth is not based on GOD LESS PARENTS. That have and still continue to act...key word is ACT, as though they are Christians. I have yet to see a godly act from either of them (genuinely is what I'm referring to) my entire life. I'm in my mid 30's and their intent to destroy everything good in my life...has taken me to deep depression...being told your not anything good..kills spirits.
DeleteMy mother would hug other people s children in front of me when I was young. I only remember one hug I got from her was after a six year separation. She is jealous of me as well so she verbally abuse me and puts me down. Because of her I'm still not married because she says I am only allowed to marry an older rich white man since their race is superior. I dislike children and do not plan to have one because of her. Her favorite quote is " God tells you to obey me."
DeleteAnonymous, the command for us to "obey" our children is to little children, not adults. Please reach out to a licensed therapist if you need support.
DeleteI love the part where God cares about what I went through. For so long I were so worried about the narcissistic mom that my feelings didn't matter. This part brought me to tears thank you.
ReplyDeleteJoan, I am sorry for your pain.
DeleteImagine those verses spouted out of context by your MUSLIM narcissistic mom, with her threatening to call the priest when the fed-up teenage girl you're, dared to answer back by quoting Col 3:21! Guess what became her next God-inspired verbal instrument of coercion? The Qur'an, of course, with some verses whose gist is that the path to heaven lays under the feet of your mother. The day, my mother told me while I was 27, that she was my God and that if she told me to lie at her feet so that she would literally walk over me, I would have to do it, that day I knew I was done honoring her the way she wanted me to. When it comes to my Christian faith, I have no doubt that I have honored both my parents more countless times than they deserve it.
ReplyDeleteNarcissistic parents who use religious verses to support their abuses are akin to those religious extremists who destroy, rape and kill, supposedly in the name of God. They're just liars who should be very afraid of how God's gonna treat them for using his name to do evil things to others.
Amen
DeleteThank you so much for this insightful article. As a Christian I want to do the right thing in regards to my narcissistic mother, but interactions with her can make you feel like you are going crazy. I'm able to put boundaries on her in our relationship, but there is a price you pay for that. She is only interested in someone who will reflect and agree with her version of reality. The choice of scriptures helps to free a person from an unsafe and destructive parent. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with guilt over having no contact with my mother and constantly praying and asking God is this the right way to handle this? Then my mother-in-law sent some literature my way about narcissistic mothers and it all connected and I finally understood. I was however still struggling to figure out if a Christian could have no contact and if that was godly. This site as helped me tremendously. Thank you
ReplyDeleteJessica, I too struggled for many years wondering if was a horrible Christian for cutting off my NM. All I can say is for years I endured her evil and there came a point where it was so dark, so damaging and increasingly bizarre, I had to. What's hard is when you have a NM who is wealthy and because of her money she has many adoring fans. Of course now I am cut out of the will for daring to expose her lies (she wanted my adult sister and I to lie that an uncle abused us when we were little, because she wanted to sue his estate). That was the final straw. So say fair well NM. I am God's child. I am the child of the King of Kings. I no longer have to bow down to you, your lies or your subterfuge. Adios. Never feel guilty about getting away from a NM. You did right.
Deletethank you for this post... i have been going through a 3 year rest and healing and npd has been the theme... my mother has these traits and characteristics and my father on some level as well, but in a very passive manner... the hard part is that my mother is from a culture that nurtures these characteristics... my mother is a pastor and uses this passage of scripture with me ALL the time... and i am 42 years old!!! haha... but it has been a contentious theology that i battle with and have walked away from church, not my personal relationship with God, but the church... it stirs up such a deep anger whenever i hear this passage preached in the generalized context that is familiar and non-offensive to people who have been blessed to not experience even a day with a narcissistic person... i tend to veer toward reasoning and logic for context because of my dysfunctional background, but am still so easily brought back into the chaos of confusion... i have bookmarked your blog to read through as a source to help me keep the gift of a sound mind, sound and firmly planted in truth and what is real... thank you and God bless you for this blog... :)
ReplyDeleteThank You, Thank You, Thank You!! My NM used scripture and her fundamental beliefs as a weapon to get her way. Although I've been taking the steps to healing I've hit a stumbling block due to my misunderstanding of "Honor Your mother" This blog has been so freeing I physically stumbled as if freed from physical chains. I'm still fighting the feeling that all of this has come about since turning 50 and I feel to old to have the life I wanted. The one I allowed NM to keep me from
ReplyDeleteMy mother has been affecting my life greatly. She places cures on my life and made me believe that whatever she wants God wants. I felt like because she was my mother God will always honor her opinion over mines. Everything she ever said to me was negative; she puts her friend’s ideas or feeling before mines. When I cry, she looks and shouts at me and tells me to grow up, but when she cries everyone is expected to console her. She is always, making me feel like I am not good enough especially when she compares other children to me. And any time I speak my mind; she shuns me and accuses me for not loving her or for being evil. She has placed a curse on my life that she doesn't mind if I am 40 before I get married since I would not marry who she wants. She have made me put my relationship of 5yrs on hold all because she doesn’t like him, even though she hasn’t meet him, but because someone told her that he have 2 kids, consequently; that holds grounds for hating him. Years after years, I haven't married because of that hold she has on me with criteria of the man she wants me to marry. I am afraid to move for forward with him even without her consent; because she says once I make that decision she would not come around me or even hold my baby. That really upset me, because I am like you can't win with this lady. And after saying that to me, she goes to my sister and tells her "your sister would have been married a long time ago but she chooses to stay with that guy". I am so sick and tired of her hold on my life when I try to put her negative thoughts about me aside, she sends people to remind me on daily bases, that I am making her sad and want to bring shame to her. When I make a decision, she condemns it and says it would not work and starts to give me suggestions of what she thinks will work. Because of this not getting and being married, I have found myself doing things I would have never done. I find myself being bitter at myself and loving to others more, I find myself putting people’s feelings before mines and getting burnt at the end. It’s a burden for me to call her, but I desire to her voice but at times I am scared to hear what she has to say. I would love to engage with her about my life and what’s going on but I am afraid of her judgment. I happy to have stubble across this article, because I begged God to forgive me for not obeying my mom and for delaying my marriage, but I learnt today that God is speaking and saying he has the ‘final say’. I am going to take my step to freedom today.
ReplyDeleteJessica, I too struggled for many years wondering if was a horrible Christian for cutting off my NM. All I can say is for years I endured her evil and there came a point where it was so dark, so damaging and increasingly bizarre, I had to. What's hard is when you have a NM who is wealthy and because of her money she has many adoring fans. Of course now I am cut out of the will for daring to expose her lies (she wanted my adult sister and I to lie that an uncle abused us when we were little, because she wanted to sue his estate). That was the final straw. So say fair well NM. I am God's child. I am the child of the King of Kings. I no longer have to bow down to you, your lies or your subterfuge. Adios. Never feel guilty about getting away from a NM. You did right.
DeleteDo we have the same mother? Im also putting my relationship of 10yrs on hold because he is not rich nor a white man.
DeleteMy mother has been affecting my life greatly. She places cures on my life and made me believe that whatever she wants God wants. I felt like because she was my mother God will always honor her opinion over mines. Everything she ever said to me was negative; she puts her friend’s ideas or feeling before mines. When I cry, she looks and shouts at me and tells me to grow up, but when she cries everyone is expected to console her. She is always, making me feel like I am not good enough especially when she compares other children to me. And any time I speak my mind; she shuns me and accuses me for not loving her or for being evil. She has placed a curse on my life that she doesn't mind if I am 40 before I get married since I would not marry who she wants. She have made me put my relationship of 5yrs on hold all because she doesn’t like him, even though she hasn’t meet him, but because someone told her that he have 2 kids, consequently; that holds grounds for hating him. Years after years, I haven't married because of that hold she has on me with criteria of the man she wants me to marry. I am afraid to move for forward with him even without her consent; because she says once I make that decision she would not come around me or even hold my baby. That really upset me, because I am like you can't win with this lady. And after saying that to me, she goes to my sister and tells her "your sister would have been married a long time ago but she chooses to stay with that guy". I am so sick and tired of her hold on my life when I try to put her negative thoughts about me aside, she sends people to remind me on daily bases, that I am making her sad and want to bring shame to her. When I make a decision, she condemns it and says it would not work and starts to give me suggestions of what she thinks will work. Because of this not getting and being married, I have found myself doing things I would have never done. I find myself being bitter at myself and loving to others more, I find myself putting people’s feelings before mines and getting burnt at the end. It’s a burden for me to call her, but I desire to her voice but at times I am scared to hear what she has to say. I would love to engage with her about my life and what’s going on but I am afraid of her judgment. I happy to have stubble across this article, because I begged God to forgive me for not obeying my mom and for delaying my marriage, but I learnt today that God is speaking and saying he has the ‘final say’. I am going to take my step to freedom today.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother constantly uses the "honor thy mother" and "before I die, I hope you reconcile" approaches to get me to break my no contact rule with my mother. I am so much happier without her drama and lies in my life. I am going to print and mail this to her so she can understand that God does not expect us to honor evil. NPD cannot just be prayed away.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous September 26,2015.
ReplyDeleteyes, my mother used this bible verse on me to try to keep me from seeing my father as a adult. They are divorced and remarried. I didn't let her use it, and I now have a relationship with my father. Another thing my mom has said to me on more then one occasion is that she gave me life and she can take it, to me this statement is so not true GOD is my creater.
I am in a quandary about whether to send my mother a mothers day card. We feel out again a few months ago. Since then my mother has coerced my sister on her side. They have both abused me in a text and a letter, saying I am mental sick and need to see my doctor, plus a heap of other accusations. I want to become stronger, however to show that I do love my mother, as she is my mother from a distance. Is sending a mothers day card a waste of time?
ReplyDeleteMy mother always turns things back to her...i could tell her how badly my back hurts, and she would say well my back hurts worse...whatever I'm going through, she puts the focus on her. she holds her money/helping pay my bills while I'm unemployed over my head, she has such a screwed interpretation of the Bible she even told me she OWNS ME becuz I owe her money AND in a yelling spree (after I said God provides my needs)
ReplyDeleteshe scoffed out loud and said I MEET YOUR NEEDS - NOT GOD! Sigh, I'm 52 years old.
At 63, I still deal with my narcissistic mother. My stomach is in constant turmoil when she blows up and I find myself wishing God would take her so I could have some peace. THANK GOD for my wonderful husband and children. They see her for what she is and wish that I had the "power" to just write her off. I've always wrestled with the Christian part of doing just that, but she has drilled it into me to HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER. THANK you for your article, it helps.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thank you for this article. Every time I start to feel more confident, more independent - like making my own decisions, leading my own life, my Mom starts telling me that it's wrong that I set boundaries with her. She wants to make me talk about dieting, talk about our weight every day (not to mention that she told me I was fat growing up and made me feel fat and ugly all my life)...I set a boundary with her that I didn't want to talk about my weight and now she says that I'm controlling her and not allowing her to be who she is and that she has nothing to talk about. My sister recently betrayed me badly and I am working on forgiving her. My Mom wants to talk to me about how I should get along with my sister saying "I wish you and your sister could just get along." And I just feel so put down. I told her that my relationship with my sister is between my sister and I. She said that I am the one controlling her. Good God! What am I supposed to do? I don't want this codependent thing with her anymore. I just want to be me and make my own decisions.
ReplyDeletegood information. thank you so much
ReplyDeleteHello Gail,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your passion for this subject. As a former golden child now disowned scapegoat, it was a long time before I understood even how to explain why this happened. At one point it became clear that this relationship was not going to work and then it was my decision to protect my new family. There is so much detail I could get into,
Thanks again.
Jason
Thank you for your website. I was the golden child but was disowned at 18. I think my mom panicked when I seriously started dating my now wife in high school. It got so bad that my now in laws opened up a room at their home and that was the last straw for mom. That's just the surface of the onion. I had a hard time explaining to people why I left. This year my wife and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary and are still happily married, and my mom has not talked to me in 13 years. It still hurts especially around holidays and birthdays and doesn't seem real that I don't have a relationship with them. I have forgiven them, but it is a can of worms that would have to be very obvious to pursue opening again.
ReplyDelete