Flying Monkeys: No Contact or Low Contact
|Do Not Become a Narcissist's Flying Monkey Video|
© by Gail Meyers
A narcissistic personality disordered mother has flying monkeys. This is a term taken from The Wizard of Oz, where the flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch. The flying monkeys may be your neighbor, church members, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, nieces, nephews, etc. These people do the narcissist's dirty work and often pour their own abuse on the scapegoat.
I spent years of my life trying to show various flying monkeys the truth. It virtually never worked, not once in the twenty or so years I kept trying to "clear the air" or to finally be understood. They do not understand because they do not want to understand. Many are willfully ignorant and blind to the situation. There is not some magical phrase and method you have not yet discovered that is suddenly going to cause these people to stand up for the truth.
What I have realized is the flying monkeys generally have their own reasons for behaving the way they do. Some may truly do it out of ignorance, truly fooled for years by the narcissist. However, it is my experience that most flying monkeys have weak characters.
They may know the truth, but lack the backbone to stand up for what is right. They may themselves fear becoming a target of the narcissist. They may have been a target of the narcissist in the past. They may have been taught to get along with everyone regardless. They may also be a narcissist themselves or hiding their own troubling behavior.
There are some exceptions. Someone can innocently become a flying monkey without realizing it. The difference is, you can generally reason with them. In my experience, this is a rare exception to what I have stated above.
Narcissistic personality disorder can also run in families and what a treacherous family it is! If you are the kindhearted, truth-telling scapegoat in a family with multiple narcissists, run for your life! One narcissist will use another and tag team a scapegoat. Two or more narcissists will also turn on one another when that serves their completely self-centered purposes. I watched this dynamic many times in my extended family over the years.
Some of the flying monkeys seemed like more of a loss at first, but the more time that went by the more I realized it really was a healthy choice. It is not a loss to remove people from your life who do not respect you or your feelings. In my experience, when you get serious about recovery, the flying monkeys will not like it and neither does the narcissist. You are most likely going to lose relationships and it will hurt. However, if you lose a relationship based on the fact that you are becoming healthier and are no longer as easily manipulated, what kind of relationship was it in the first place?
Once you are in this situation, it is going to hurt either way, but the difference to me is with recovery my pain eventually subsided. On the other side is attracting healthier people and relationships. For me, it has been well worth it, but everyone has to make that decision for themselves.