Do Not Become a Narcissist's Flying Monkey Video © by Gail Meyers A narcissistic personality disordered mother has flying monkeys. This is a term taken from The Wizard of Oz , where the flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch. The flying monkeys may be your neighbor, church members, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, nieces, nephews, etc. These people do the narcissist's dirty work and often pour their own abuse on the scapegoat. I spent years of my life trying to show various flying monkeys the truth. It virtually never worked, not once in the twenty or so years I kept trying to "clear the air" or to finally be understood. They do not understand because they do not want to understand. Many are willfully ignorant and blind to the situation. There is not some magical phrase and method you have not yet discovered that is suddenly going to cause these people to stand up for the truth. What I have realized is t...
Gail
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your experience. This is new for me, my mother was never diagnosed with any mental disorder, however, understanding narcissistic personality disorder she certainly had much of the criteria. The anger and hurt out weighs the ability to grieve. I think you are right -- I have been grieving my entire life for the lack of love a mother should have for her children. I spent most of my life reaching for something that was not obtainable and in the end the inability to reach her over powered me. My mother died one month ago, I am so filled with anger towards her and my siblings (that continue in her wake of hurt) that I know this will be a long road of recovery. Knowing you are not alone in these feelings helps.
Gail, I read your article and I could have written it. My brother passed Feb. 9 and my mother on April 16, 2017. I always knew my mother treated me differently, but did not understand until I read the book, "Will I ever be Good Enough", by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. I spent 4 and 1/2 months caring for my brother and mother, living with her 24/7, away from my home and family. It was all about her. I found out she had substantial money accounts for my brothers, but not me. She took back the money she promised my dying brother and left his family destroyed. She manipulated and destroyed the sibling relationships. The last month of my mother's life, I told her how much she had hurt me and I went home. I sent her a gift and card and received an Easter card and letter, after her death. It was not an apology or attempt at reconciliation. She gaslighted me to the end. I guess this helped me get through her funeral. I am grieving terribly for my mother, brother, and the family I thought was real. I pray my therapist can help me learn to cope with the loss and change this sick dynamic with my remaining brother.
DeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I can deeply relate to your comment that the anger and hurt outweigh your ability to grieve right now.
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to reach out for support during this time if you feel you need it. There are DONM boards and groups online. Also, a therapist familiar with narcissistic personality disorder can be a great help with processing the anger, hurt and grief.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
I would like to use a small excerpt from this for a blog I am doing for Psychology Today blog. I am telling the story of a few different people. This is what I would like to use, linking back to your blog of course:
ReplyDeleteHow Do You Grieve the Death of High Conflict Parent?
People who have a borderline or narcissistic parent face a crisis when the parent becomes so elderly they cannot take care of themselves. Often, just when they’ve finally feeling free of the parent’s control, illness swoops in to try to take it back. Society frowns on children who do not give, give, give to an aging parent. Friends and family who do not know the real situation just see typical parent/adult child conflict; they will never understand the torment and anguish these parents may have caused. So they urge the adult child to start caregiving, the last thing they want to do when they’ve spent their life trying to free themselves from the parent’s emotional and/or verbal abuse.
While adult children of loving, “normal” parents as with Gail Meyers
While she really grieved for two other close relative, when her mother died she mainly felt grief and numbness, which she felt guilty about. But her therapist pointed out that she had been processing the grief of having a “real” loving mother all her life. In other words, she grieved she never had the mother that is everyone’s birthright.
She says she wasn’t grieving the real relationship but the shattering of what remained of the illusion. Meyers writes:
[I grieved] the loss of the hope that she would ever change, that she would ever be a mother who loved me. I thought I had given up that hope many years ago, but it became obvious somewhere deep down inside the little girl in me was still hoping. Along with that was the realization that she never admitted the truth, let alone ever apologizing for any of it. When she died there could be no more hope of change. There was the finality of her death.
Can you please write me at Randi at BPDCentral dot com and let me know if it's all right asap? Thanks.
Randi, I am thrilled Psychology Today is addressing this aspect of dealing with narcissistic personality disorder and bringing it into public awareness. Adult children in this situation so often desperately need this information, validation and support. I would be thrilled to be a part of that. So, please feel free to use the quote you have written above and link back to my article.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Thank You Gail, for just speaking out. I have been processing the grief of my mothers death for 25 years! I was molested and she covered it up and brainwashed me to forget it. I took a class on prevention of child molestation after I found out I could not have children after radiation treatments and I remembered my abuse, finally at age 30. When I told my mother she played dumb, but I had many identifying clues. My mother was a psychiatric nurse and favored my sister all my life, I felt unwanted and unloved most of my life, the things I have been through, she never aided or helped me and I felt I was just a burden that was never meant to be, I am now trying to survive at the age of 54, and it is not easy. I have been through terrible depression and have tried to kill myself many times in my life. I have not tried that for many years now and am working on being happy and letting go of what she did, though I am finding it difficult. I will look up the sites you have suggested and keep reading whatever I can on this topic. Thanks again, You may be my saving grace!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the pain and abuse you have endured. They say the mother nearly always knows and often times actually enables the childhood sexual abuse (actively or by silence). I personally believe my mother was 10 times sicker than the alcoholic pedophile she was married to for more than two decades. It was not your fault.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have not tried to harm yourself for many years. There are some very good groups and websites available online. Also, United Way's 2-1-1 national directory page (211.org) provides lists of local assistance available, hotlines, counseling resources, etc., if that is of any interest to you.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts and experiences. I wish you well on your healing journey and I hope to hear from you again.
Gail -
ReplyDeleteI just happened to stumble upon this page. I have a narcissistic mother who recently got back in contact with me via a text that simply said, "I love you."
Because grieving her narcissism has been very intense over the last few years, I tried to meet with her. We did rekindle a relationship briefly, but it did not take me very long to realize that nothing has really changed.
I'm finding that at 37 it's actually getting more difficult for me to deal with the intense depression and pain associated with having a mother that doesn't care. I've been in and out of therapy when times are really low. Thank God I was blessed with a good therapist. But, it has gotten to a point where therapy is no longer effective.
Thank you so much for this. Even though I'm still in the thick of things, it really does help to know I'm not alone. I can't imagine anything being harder to overcome than not being loved by the person who gave you life.
Out of the Ashes, you are not alone. I know how painful it can be and so do thousands of other people. A good therapist can make a huge difference. It also helped me when I was able to stand back and truly see how sick my mother truly was. Her feelings and behavior toward me were a reflection on her, not on me. I think when you can move that from your head to your heart and really make it your own, it becomes very healing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and commenting.
Gail,
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, Reading your post is like hearing about my life. My mother has not passed, but my father is very ill and dying. The things she does and says to him on a daily basis break my heart. She has no empathy. She ridicules and shames him any chance she gets, but she knows when to pretend like she cares-I sometines think she wants him to die and does things to quicken the process, they have been married 35 years and she says not she wants to leave him so she doesn't have to take care of him-he is of no use to her now. I am scared that he will die and I will be left to take care of her alone. I am terrified every day that I will be anything like her-I live in constant fear of that. Is that possible? Can her traits rub off on me?diesge cares.
Oh my goodness this post mimics what I would have written about my NM and she also says "he's no good to me like that"
DeleteAnonymous, I remember when I first learned about narcissistic personality disorder. I also experienced it just that way, as if someone was writing about my life without even knowing me. It was also such a relief to learn what the problem was.
ReplyDeleteNarcissism does tend to run in families, but I don't know that true narcissists ever really entertain the idea that anything is wrong with them. Adult children can also pick up the FLEAS, learned bad attitudes and behaviors, we need to work on in recovery.
I am sorry for your pain in this situation. If there is serious abuse or neglect of your father, there are social service agencies and lawyers who address elder abuse. Remember to keep good boundaries with your mother and keep your own health in mind too.
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Hello gail and everyone,
ReplyDeleteGail- your post is exactly what I have been through and still going through I(, my mother is still alive. I thank you so much for sharing your post, I am glad to know I'm also not alone. I just discovered that my mothers behaviour is of a narcissist. I didn't. Even know what this truly was for years! When I first learned about it I was shocked, depressed and in denial of course. I knew something in my life was wrong and that this isn't normal, this isn't love, this isn't the way a mother should be. In my situation, the narcissist mother raiised me, but my biological mother who lives in a different place is the narcissist mothers sister. I have been healed from her and provided support, however still effected by the narcissist mother. We all though that it was because I am adopted that this is happeningbut it is the fact that it is the narcissist mother who has created this false sense of self toward me. I recently read the book will I ever be good enough by author mcbride and it has helped me a lot. I am interested in a skpe or group phone conversation with others say once a month to build a support network, no video calls or anything but to set up a shared support system for anyone who is interested. What are your thoughts? I just feel that our experiences we have been through is something that only people like us understand (besides the therapisist) ....overall, I truly wish everyone healthy healing and love to you all, and to practice self love daily.
Anonymous, I think it is such a relief when you can finally put a name on the problem! That is especially true after you spend years of your life trying to explain it to people and no one understands.
DeleteI am sorry for your pain. I am glad you have found some healing. I think some of the Facebook groups are pretty active, if you might be interested in them. There are a couple of them in the right margin of this site. However, there are more that can be found in a search of Facebook. I do not know if anyone has considered group calls or not, but I think some of the members of some of the groups exchange telephone numbers.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.
Gail thank for this post it is indeedly timeless as generations as people deal with this same issue. My mother passed about three weeks ago. Luckily I had talked with her and resolved many things. So my experience is slightly different. I decided as she was a narcassist I would give her one last magic hurrah by way of celebrating her life in the way she wanted it to be perceived. My brother read the Eulogy that I wrote. The process of writing it was a process I suggest to people who don't as yet have a narc parent die to go through the process of channelling your inner Gandhi & writing a Eulogy. Yes, all the betrayals, being thrown to the wolves & bad mouthing will come up. write it out if you have to.Then edit the document,remove the toxicity. Convert it to a lesson learnt. It may take 6 or 10 re-writes but it is a really valuable process.
DeleteI too am wondering why my grief has not bubbled our yet but as you say maybe I have been grieving my whole life.....
I have a grandmother with this same type of personality, who can't understand why my mom's kids refuse to deal with her any longer! While she has yet to pass, we no longer maintain a relationship with her. Mom tolerates her, but only in small amounts, over the phone.Thankfully she lives 3 states away! This is a very guilt freeing post, thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteI am always glad to hear someone is protecting their children from the manipulation!
DeleteThank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
I recently decided to have No Contact with my 'mother' and she has started to use my own children (16 and 22) as her flying monkeys - causing enormous strain and upset between us. She has done a character assasination on me and works insidiously to turn them against me. What on earth do I do? She is very persuasive and uses tiny elements of truth to make things seem plausible and sew seeds of doubt. She has also started visiting and having dinner with my ex husband.
ReplyDeleteDaisy, that is precisely one of the reasons why I strongly encourage no contact. They will delight in pulling their playing the victim while vilifying the true victim routine to your children. My mother pulled the exact same stunt. It's a typical NPD maneuver. I would absolutely keep children away from a narcissistic personality disordered grandmother. Otherwise, the nightmare continues as she makes flying monkeys out of them. They do it in such a deceitful, subtle way that no one realizes what is happening until one day you realize your kid has become a flying monkey.
ReplyDeleteMy narcissistic pd+borderline pd mother died a couple of years ago, and I think that like you its going to take me a few more years to fully process my grief and get past it all. I've heard it called "complex grief", when the person lost was a loved one who was also very abusive.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting your articles and blog, these are helping me. I recognize so many of the behaviors you mentioned RE a mother with npd, particularly the lack of remorse, plus my mother left an emotional "land mine" for me to step on after her death: mother left her therapy journal for me to read. I wish I hadn't, frankly. Mother wrote that she had never even liked me because she said I was "cold and unloving and critical of her", from infancy; this set me back to square one in my grieving process.
I'd also like to add a caveat, though: if you post at Psychology Today, particularly as an adult child survivor of narcissistic pd or borderline pd parental abuse, you are likely to recieve hostile responses by individuals who feel that sharing these very real, deeply painful personal experiences makes the sharer a "hater" or "basher" of those with personality disorders. So, just be aware of that ahead of time.
Thanks again for your blog and articles.
Annie, I am sorry for your pain but glad to hear this blog is helpful. It is amazing to me how often someone mentions their NPD mother planning or leaving some form of abuse or "land mine" upon their passing. Thanks for the warning, I realize the attitude you speak of exists. Please join us on Facebook if you have not already done so.
DeleteThanks so much this pretty much covers everything I ve been feeling since my mother died just over two years ago. Things were impossible between us from the moment I was born but became intolerable when I met my husband. When my uncle died he tried to put me and my husband as executer of his will. When my mother found out she went mad she told my uncle my husband would steal all his money so he changed his will. She had to be in control so much so that I had to cut contact with her even though it broke my heart. She tried to turn everyone against me I decided she wasn t doing that with my husband and children.
ReplyDeleteshe took everythingvaway from me, even my memories everything was tainted. She told no one she was dying so she could stay in control , by the time I learned the truth I had ten days to get used to the idea then she was gone. I was in shock.. she left everything to charity she did give my daughter my uncles house as he wanted, but its costing us so much in solicitors fees because she wouldn t let us look after the house for our own daughter. Sometimes I feel I will never get past the angry stage
Anonymous, I am sorry for your pain. I can very much relate to what you have shared. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us.
DeleteThanks for sharing, your story. My mom died recently, and I felt nothing and to be honest I feel nothing except sometimes I feel angry at her, for her not apologizing (even though like you said, I didn't think I wanted it or needed it). God I am glad, I saw this. To be honest I thought I was messed up. I cried for hours for a dead hamster, but at my mothers funeral...nothing. While at visitation, I kept feeling like she was going to sit up and yell at me, and than I felt immediate relief, knowing that she could never do it again. I shed tears, like 2 weeks later, but it was tears of anger and resentment. I am not sure what I thought, but I guess I thought those feelings would disappear when she died. They didn't and that made me sadder, sadder knowing that event though it might get better, I might never get over it. I found out weird things about myself and it made me even more scared that I had no empathy for her passing. I questioned my upcoming profession (I will be graduating to be a nurse), thinking there is no way I can possibly be one. Sometimes I randomly feel anger at her...and it is even harder at night sometimes. I regret not telling her why I was angry at her, maybe she didn't know? Although in the past I did let her know?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am sorry for your pain. I encourage you to be gentle and understanding with yourself, because in my experience grieving a narcissistic mother is a complicated and confusing experience. During an interview with Dr. Karyl McBride, author (Mean Mothers) Peg Streep shared these thoughts regarding the death of her mother, that may provide you with some validation...
DeleteDr. Karyl McBride: How did your mother’s death affect you? Were you sad?
Peg Streep: The real emotional moment came when my brother called to tell me she was dying and asked if I would see her. Everyone —my ex-husband, my friends, my therapist— encouraged me to go for “closure.” I knew, though, that it would be a repeat of everything that had ever happened between us without a shred of honesty. I would ask why she didn’t love me and she would say that she had. I didn’t go. When she died, I was sad that she’d been my mother. Nothing more.
Read more at http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/online-dr-karyl-mcbride-interview-peg-streep/
Congratulations on your graduation from nursing school!
I enjoyed your article. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMy mother died last August after many years of health crisis, including heart by-pass, aortic aneurism, COPD... with the finale being pancreatic cancer and the horrible death that comes at the end of that. I helped her and my father through the healthcare mazes (another story!) and tried to keep him from going with her as he neglected his own health and comfort for her. He is saved, but still very old and failing. I wish I could bring him closer to me so I could give him care and nutrition. It would be so wonderful to have that relationship with him that was blocked by my mother.
The Chief Flying Monkey, however, has moved in with him and made that impossible. I'm aware that this is his choice and he is living the way he wants to. It's his right. I'm letting go in steps, and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. More difficult than three divorces, my mother's politics and illnesses, and the family dysfunctions.
The life I have under my own roof is very loving and safe. My adult children are doing well and we have good relationship. I'm realizing it's time to let go of my mother's legacy. It's heartbreaking, it's confounding, it's frustrating and incomprehensive.
There is a strange peace that comes in realizing I can let go and embrace life. I will have to learn how to live without that lifetime stress and learn how to play! I think I can do it.
Your writing helps, I'll continue to follow you.
Thank you.
Marypoppins, thank you. I am sorry for your pain. However, I am glad to hear you have a very loving and safe environment under your own roof. I think it is beautiful that you are letting go of your mother's legacy and embracing life. I think I know exactly what you mean when you say you will have to learn how to play. That is something my therapist and I worked on at the end of my sexual abuse therapy years ago. You can do it!
DeleteAnd if I might add to my comments: Also thank you for pointing out that flying monkeys don't always know they are flying monkeys. I'm sure the one I identified in my comments does not know how things were set up. My mother showed her nothing but kindness, and it's very likely she believes I deserve the scorn I received.
ReplyDeleteI cannot defend myself against someone who is dead, and the memory of her is sacred to the remainder of my family. My father wishes to remember only the good things about her, and I admire him for that. That is who he is.
What I want to share here, is that sometimes acceptance and forgiveness are the most loving gifts you can make. It can be very, very painful, but necessary. To let go of the struggle and the yearning for what I can't have, and be involved with good relationships that bear fruit. And that is who I want to be.
Reading this is like looking in a mirror. Although my mother is still living, I have struggled with my feelings of indifference toward her. She buried her head in religion while our father abused us and then spent all of these years telling us how it devastated HER!!! It ruined HER life. It traumatized HER. Never a thought about the years her daughters spent in therapy just to survive. Her health is failing and I have often worried that my inability to feel compassion for her is wrong. You have given me hope that I will somehow work through this.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, my heart goes out to you. What you have articulated sounds very familiar to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
DeleteI never herd the word ,I love you.when she had cancer.I hugged her and said I love you she said I know.that was it .my father was furious at me for not greaving.he saw what was going on .!!!!on my father's side of the family they experience alien abductions .so when I was terrified.I prayed to God .my npm.was mad at them for I told her,they saw me crying. And said some people should never be parents.and they are here to make us better more empathic and I am an born empath.my daughter and I have a great relationship.SO my mom. Can,t make me hurt anymore.it's just a dull standing pain.peace to your hearts and souls.Diane
ReplyDeleteDiane, I am sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAll of your experiences resonate with me. It helps so much to know I'm not alone, to know I'm not crazy by understanding the behavior, even just a little. My situation is compounded by the fact that she lives with me and my husband and children. "No contact" is not an option unfortunately. She is also elderly and becoming needy of physical care. She has gambled all her money away and when she gets her pension money she takes the senior citizen bus to the casino. There is no money to send her to an elder care facility. My siblings offer little help.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I've grieved the absence of a true mother. When she passes I know my sadness will be different from the normal and I look forward to the day when I can live my life in my own home without her manipulations and lies. I fear her flying monkeys - she has minions. But I have minions of my own, they are my true friends. My husband has suffered by my side and seen the battle first hand. He is amazing. Together we have found the antidote to anger and depression - laughter. It's the reason I've been able to survive all these years. Find someone to help you laugh. Even if it's inappropriate - It is good medicine.
I feel for you in your situation. Thank goodness for having an amazing husband. Somehow I have managed to keep my sense of humor. I agree that laughter is good medicine. Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.
DeleteMy NPD mother is close to the end and I do not intend to see her again and not planning on any going to any home-going service which should be minimal if at all, because she wants to be cremated without a service. Great!...Services are for mourners and her transition over to whatever comes next doesn't inspire sadness but relief....I am determined to feel freedom, and because I am so determined, that's probably what I will feel. I am actually y looking forward to it. I am posting because I agree with the earlier comment that adult children of NPD parents have probably spent entire lifetimes mourning.. Death in these cases can promise relief . My advise: Sieze the relief that comes, and choose wisely in who you will confide, because people empathize to the degree to which they are able. Someone who has not experienced a NPD parent can not imagine the lack of grief with his or her passing, but I can. Anyone reading this, Please DECIDE to take the freedom that could be yours...I certainly am.....
ReplyDeleteI do not believe feelings are right or wrong, they just are. You are certainly not the only one who feels this way about your narcissistic mother. Enjoy your freedom when it comes.
DeleteIn January 2013 I was told that my NPD mother was in hospital and she may not make it to the end of the week. I arranged carers for my son (he is disabled), applied for an advance of my Carers Payment and flew the 2000km to see my mother. I had a quick change of planes and my bag didnt make it onto the next flight. So here I am at my mothers bedside, after 5 hours of travelling, hot and sweaty (middle of summer) and no chance of a change of clothes until the next day - only to be greeted with "what are YOU doing here?". My father (who was 5 years into his dementia journey already), had a similar reaction. Oh yeah, nice to see you all too! I went home with my father and I looked after him until my mother came out of hospital 10 days later. We got on perfectly well although he had to be prompted and reminded to do absolutely everything. I had moved away some 4.5 years earlier, in an effort to live my own life finally, at the age of 45. My mother was none too pleased at this and she asked me many times over the years when I was coming "home". Anyway, a few days into my visit, I was visiting her in hospital when she told me she had made a list of "people she loves". I read down the list. My father at the top, her canary, a few friends, my daughter (who was her GC)....but I was missing. I said: "I am not on the list?". Oh, she said, "I am sorry but I just dont feel that way about you". Talk about an arrow to the heart! I left her room in tears, but I was so angry too. They got the hospital counsellor for me and I got to cry to my hearts content. Then we had a meeting with all the staff and her community nurse about what extra help to put into place at home for when she went home (she was in the palliative care ward). Keep in mind, I had already organised home assessments, liaised with her nurse constantly, I was forever trying to help make things easier. She told me she didnt want me in the room because "Monica is too hysterical". She finally allowed me to sit in on the conference.... She had earlier told the social worker that her friend Percila could move in and take care of her and she could sleep on the floor because "those people are used to that". Percila is from the Philippines. I was very proud of her when she told my mother at the conference that she had her own home, that she would help her but not move in. Anyway, my mother came home and I left. She told all her friends that the "house was too small" for me to continue staying there after she came home. She also told her friends that I refused to bring her home from hospital. Neither of those things were true but her friends believed her.
ReplyDeleteShe passed away nearly 9 months later and I was by her side, by myself. Napped for a few hours, woke up and realised what had just occurred and cried so hard, deep, wrenching sobs. I have cried since, but nothing like that. Right up until the end, she never said "thanks" or "I love you" or anything else. There was no closure, no final goodbyes (except from me to her). Went through the motions, she didnt want a funeral so we had a lunch for her, and I read a eulogy of sorts, of her life. I made all her friends cry but I didnt shed a tear. I was still so hurt and angry at the lunch that I was finding it hard to be all positive about her life etc. One of my mothers friends who was sitting to the right of me said: "this isnt about celebrating your mothers life, I am leaving". No great loss, she was the same type of person as my mother was. And that was the hard part. I had just lost my mother, I was grieving deeply, but it was for much more than the loss of HER....it was the realisation that she would now NEVER tell me what I needed to hear - that she loved me unconditionally. That even though we were chalk and cheese, that I was ok, that I had been a good daughter to her. Anything, really. I still struggle with that one now.
Thank you so much for writing about this. It has been three years since my mother's death and I still feel like half a person, trying to work through grief on an intellectual level because the emotional level is so unbearable. I can totally relate to grieving one's narcissistic mother all one's life, because my mother prepared me for her death all her life with "when I'm gone, you'll say that mama was right," etc. I wasn't a stupid child, and even when I was very young I connected my mother's behavior with her losing her own mother so young, and not long before she began to have children. I buried the emotional part of myself, and now I can't find where I buried it. So thanks so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy NM passed away 2 months ago from cancer. I tried to get my younger sister and her together to heal and forgive (no contact for 8 years). It blew up in my face and NM stormed out of the house. I went no contact since that day. Enabling father calls me and says NM is in Hawaii. The cancer had spread to her brain and she ran. She had been to Hawaii many times so this was not a dying wish thing. She took her GC and her family with her. I never got to say goodbye. I was the scapegoat and not one person in my family bothered to stop NM or GC sister from the abuse.yet they knew it was going on. Of course younger sis and I were cut out of the will. She left this world as a coward in my opinion. Her grave stone has Hawaiian scenery on it. I told enabling father I was going to draw a hatchet on the back. There is nothing to grieve really. There was nothing there to begin with and it only got worse. GC has now passed this mental illness to her daughter.
ReplyDeleteTwo NPD Grandmothers dead, one to go. Don't miss the dead ones one bit, although I do hope the after life heals their shrunken broken souls. I wait for the last one to pass, and take her evil with her. But her work already lives on far beyond her days on this world.
ReplyDeleteMy NPD father will be around for a while. In fact, I am really wondering about the grandmother that passed on when I was all of twenty, my father's mother. She went into dementia during my teens, and never displayed any such proclivities...even when I look back with my older person perspective...but she was also a victim of my father's abuse...he didn't hide his verbal/emotional abuse of his mother from his father or his children. But, my dad got it from somewhere...his Dad, maybe?
I'm not sure how I'll feel when my NPD father goes to the afterlife. The last encounter with him before I once again retreated to NonContact other than via electronic means, rendered me ambivalent...and of course...sparked this wave of research regarding the damage Narcissistic types do to their families. It is pretty intense.
At any rate, one of these days, there will come the phone call...Hello...your father has gone nuts. Someone needs to take care of him...and it will all get much much worse from there, I'm sure. but I'll deal with that when the time comes.
My NPD mother just passed away on 12/31. I am an only child, and there are no other relatives. I was sucked back in because my father has some dementia and she was destroying him. Over the last few years, she, with a background in psychology, understood she was losing her ability to control her societal mask. This was a woman who volunteered for everything and was entirely beloved by the community and many of my friends. The grief process here is not only for the mother I never had, but also for the fact that *I* am the rock that many are leaning on in their grief for the person I wished she could have been to me. And none of them accept how horrid she was with the exception of perhaps 3-4 ... my husband (who is awesome), my horse trainer (who did see her express her narcissistic rage at me), and maybe one-two others. My dad does understand and he was a victim as well. He taught me the coping mechanisms to deal with her until I could get away.
ReplyDeleteBut how to deal with the multitude of others? I can not, in good consciousness, destroy the carefully built image that she had with them - and there are so many of them and one of me, that no one will believe me anyway - and it will serve only to alienate some truly wonderful people (to give you the depth of her manipulative capabilities - she had both a psychiatrist and the nursing home physician ready to reverse the "capacity" decision made by her personal physician providing me with HPOA ... even though she could not walk, she was ready to sign herself out of the facility and go "home" and expected my father to take care of her. She scored a perfect score on the min men test and even posthumously, her nursing home doctor was praising her strength to the skies ... the same woman who had to be restrained as she was hitting and cursing nurses ... but let a white coated doctor walk in and it was all roses).
So, I sit here, supporting all the others in their very real grief, all the while feeling numb and despairing of anyone really supporting the very real needs that I have.
Hi, Anonymous - I have just had the same experience yesterday. My N mother (who enabled my dad's sexual abuse of me and dealt out a lot of psych abuse herself) died a couple of weeks ago, and her funeral was yesterday. I also had the sense of having to be the "rock" for everyone as they grieved the wonderful person they knew, who was so different from the abuser I had lived with for all those years. In a sense, though, I had chosen this situation - I saw it as the chance for them to grieve the person they had lost, and I accepted that this was not my day to get my needs met. (I have a couple of relations and close friends to help me there.)
DeleteI also have that dilemma, of wanting to tell the truth about my life at last, but not having the right to destroy their image of my parents. Not sure where to go with this, to be honest - I guess I just have to make it through the next few months and see how things go.
Very useful website. I have had no contact with my family for over 2 years, my mother is a classic NM; My sister is the Golden child and I am your classic scapegoat. I live on the other side of the world, having left my country about 20 years ago, and my father feels no option but to 'side' with them as he has to live with them every day. I often wonder when my father passes away (they are in their 80s now) if either my sister or mother will let me know - they are full of hatred towards me and my own family, and as such I could see them not telling me just to be spiteful. How do you think you deal with the possibility of not knowing if a parent has passed away?
ReplyDeleteThank you Gail - I just came across this post - the timing perfect and it has brought me great comfort knowing I am not alone in this journey that is filled with so many conflicting emotions. I truly appreciate you sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteMy mother died last week in another country after several years of dementia. Oddly, she failed to recognize me for many years beforehand, but always recognized others in the family such as my own daughter, who she thought was her daughter., or my husband. Her ability to self-censor had disappeared as she moved into dementia and I had many opportunities to dismiss some of the astounding self-revelatory things she said more and more frequently. What I take away from all of this is that appearances matter to a lot to people, even me the scapegoat only child. I never went "no contact" with her, and now I am left wondering if maybe things would have been different for us had I been able to overlook her indifference to me as a child. I wonder, as an adult, was I repulsively reserved? Was I secretive? I was NEVER spontaneous -- did she notice? I doubt I ever laughed in her presence unless there were other people around -- maybe not even then. I didn't drink with her. I never expressed an opinion that she did not criticize -- hyper-educated as I am, I never had an opinion about a book, an idea, a movie that she did not ridicule and me by implication. Sometimes she began the ridicule before she even knew what she was ridiculing -- e.g. her instant supposition that The Good War by Studs Terkel was some sort of apology for war and imperialism that I adored. She'd just found it on my book shelf and took an instant opportunity.. I will say this -- others did not experience her in this way. She lionized the opinions of people she hardly knew at least when she first knew them. She had a sort of idealization-denigration thing going. She ran out of the idealization phase with me before I was of school age, possibly because I was not as pretty as my cousins. Now, I too do not know how to grieve, as others have said.I have a vague sense of having been "promoted," that the world I live in somehow is safer for me. If I keep my mouth shut, the people who loved her for good or bad reasons will ease forward with their lives, and I can be less guarded than I have to be now in the mourning period. I am quite conflict averse. As it happens, her siblings are mostly dead, those surviving are not in touch with me, so really there are only my friends (whom she allocated to herself as her friends and who sincerely miss her). I do not know her friends. I am quite capable of evasion and escape with everyone.
ReplyDeleteI managed to find your post through a mixture of determination and bewildered despair first brought into my life as a terrified child. I am so very grateful to you. My mother was a little unwell. A day later she had a stroke. She never regained consciousness and died the next day. Towards the end of her life she was isolated with my father and now full blown 'flying monkey'/ borderline narcissistic disorder sister. They half erased my real mother at her funeral.
ReplyDeleteOddly (where does that word stop), my mother became very apologetic in the last period of her life. The games still continued in a quieter way. I felt very sorry that she had been so broken. But the funeral was something else. A lovely man and his very kind wife spent ages with me, Mum had played the idea that three men could be my biological father. Unsure, they wanted to make sure that I was alright. Years ago, that same response had annoyed Mum! Was she actually my mother? Probably.
So, here I am. I could never get any answers to the things she threw at me.
"Tell everyone (friends at school) that I am your sister". To an injured ten year old, that was too bewildering for words. " You're not stealing my husband", followed rage against him, after she had found out he assaulted me as a child. "Oh, it was all years ago....". Yes, but I have lifelong injuries.
It is the need to believe she loved me that is struggling. But more than anything it is the death of the illusion, the conjuring trick a child devised to feel loved. So what now?
I feel so messed up. I am going to stop over thinking. My real mother was a troubled mass of contradictions. She was a result of lots of good things and just a few incredibly cruel things. She was very bright, very intellectual and very broken. So RIP our relationship.
Which just leaves me with a then 14 year old who stayed by my side throughout the wake. She could be my biological mother or my sister. Time may tell. Life has become a little like Scrambled eggs!
Writing this, to someone who can envisage a four year being beaten unconscious and being beyond fear and despair preschool, and then having psychological and emotional abuse (mind games), and nearly being killed again and again, I feel as if I am in a safe 'country'. You know what it is like being parented by someone who turned home into an insane asylum at times.
Right. I am picking up my little case. I am not stretching to reach the door handle. I am not going to have to go back into the house. I take the hand of my four year old self. I lead her now down the path in the darkness. I stop to carry her away from there. We walk away in the future, together. I comfort her, I mother her. This is over Little One. It has had enough of us. Welcome to our new life.
Gail
ReplyDeleteTimely article and the comments were exceptionally well spoken and insightful. I feel so fortunate I found this community. Being the Scapegoat makes us all VERY LUCKY. We all understand the mental illness of our NM and the dysfunctional families they create. We're all strong women.
I'm so glad you shared this. My NM died 20 months ago. I'm still in the anger stage. And I have been most of the time since her death. Your article is the first I have read which made me realize some differences in the loss of two sisters and my mom. I now have NC with family and its all for the best. I need to find a good therapist and work thru some of the anger and hatred. Thank you for your article.
ReplyDeleteMy NP mother died three days ago. A great sense of relief is the main feeling I have, very little sadness. I had been on low contact with her for the last several years as her increasing dementia ENHANCED her NPD qualities. She became paranoid, began accusing me of stealing things from her, coming into her house when she was out grocery shopping, etc. She would openly denigrate my late father to me. Not to anyone else in the family - just to me.
ReplyDeleteAs the dementia increased my mother became more and more openly verbally abusive to me and about me to other family members. She had also become much more verbally abusive to my father prior to his death. Once he was gone, she became demanding of my time with never even a "thank you" for providing every bit of her transport. But as time passed she aimed more and more of her venom my way. This led to me going as low on contact as was possible in an act of self preservation. But she was elderly and alone and I am the only child (of two) anywhere at all nearby, so I did not feel I could go no contact.
I am also one who feels they have grieved for most of their life already. Coming here and reading this article and the thoughtful comments has been wonderfully supportive. Thank you Gail and thank you posters.
Now that I know that my lack of sadness is normal, I feel so much better. I do have some anger but it is not for the lack of mothering towards me. I had already come to terms with that. My anger is because over her final three years, my mother made my already emotionally disturbed son into her Flying Monkey - bigtime. He has always been somewhat bi-polar and had been treated for clinical depression in the past. Unfortunately, he would not stay on medication and has never gone through proper counseling. (He and his wife had some marital counseling at a crisis point in their marriage but that's all that I know of.)
By pulling the martyr act, anointing my son "her hero" and "her rescuer", and dangling a prospective inheritance (which is now almost gone after years of self-pay in a most expensive assisted living facility), she has almost totally alienated my son from me. Of my two children, my relationship with my son had always been the much more difficult, so I would say that our relationship was "vulnerable". My mother took full advantage of that and has had my son doing her bidding and fully dancing to her tune for several years now. He is taking her death very hard. My daughter is not, because she had become aware of my mother's treatment of me and also went on low contact. (Due to the dementia, one day when my daughter was visiting my mother somehow thought she was me. And she unloaded on my daughter, Oh boy. I felt really bad for my daughter because she had never experienced anything like that before and up until then, despite me trying to explain things to her, she really did not understand what was going on.)
I have hopes that now she is gone there can perhaps be a reconciliation between my son and myself. But I don't want to get my hopes up too high. For now, I just want to get through the funeral and dealing with out-of-town relatives coming in, including my only sister The Golden Child. (Although in this case, even the Golden Child didn't get along with her all that well and never had a close relationship with her.)
Thanks again to all of you here for sharing your stories.
Were there any good aspects to my mother? Yes, of course there were. She taught me a good work ethic.
Thank you so very much for this raw personal insight. I've been referring to myself as "the Black Sheep" for years and one of my brothers as 'the Golden Child" before I ever learned what a Narcissistic mother was. She passed away just one year ago and I clearly remember the last time I saw her. I was standing at the foot of the recliner chair she was laying (dying) in and I knew when I left that day I wouldn't see her alive again........ and I truly didn't care. The thought of her being dead was a comfort to me. I ached to hear her say "I'm sorry i was so hard on you and so critical of you" but those words never left her mouth. I practically choked on the words "I love you" before I walked out her front door. On some level I loved her but the words were more out of a sense of obligation than actual love.
ReplyDeleteSo, now that I've read about narcissistic mothers and the divisiveness they breed, I can truly say I was the black sheep and my one brother was the golden child and my other siblings were her flying monkeys.
I also believe she's in Heaven - or somewhere happier. I wish that I could somehow completely release the anger and hatred I feel for her for stealing so much joy from my life. It's gotten better over the past year but it still hangs like a weight at the bottom of my heart.... it's there, and I can feel it. How does one get rid of that baggage? I haven't been to a counselor, perhaps I should look into that.
Any suggestions? Thanks again for posting.
My N.mother just died . Being the youngest of 6, I always felt a lack of love on her part...for me and for me only ! My dad adores me and I feel that attributed to her hate towards me. I decided to take the " no contact" approach about a year ago, even though I hated not seeing my dad. Somehow she manipulated all my sibblings and my dad against me. I was the only one who did not attend the funeral simply because I am not a hypocrite....I really did not want to be there. Now I am feeling anger ...for I should have told her how I really felt. I should have told her that I was abused because of HER....(she would never admit to it anyway and made my sibblings think I'm the crazy one), I'm angry that I never told her how badly she hurt me with her actions. I am crying not because I miss her but because I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER !!!!
ReplyDeleteTell her now. Seriously. In your heart of hearts, you know that had you have told her while she was still alive, it would have fallen on deaf ears. You'd have been "marginalized," been belittled, told how "dramatic," you were or other such demeaning jabs. Tell her now. You are in the driver's seat of your own life, not her. You own your own world, make it the one YOU want.
Deletebut...I am grateful to her for I know now how NOT TO BE with my own children. That's it.
ReplyDeleteMy NM died a couple of months ago. We found out via Facebook! My sister (GC) deliberately kept the information from me so even if I`d wanted to, it was too late to go to the funeral. She is telling everyone that she did inform me and that I didn`t bother to turn up to the funeral.
ReplyDeleteMy NM (who I was NC with for many years), left my son and I out of the will and left everything to my sister and her children, just as my sister had planned. My sister told me she is giving us nothing even though she knows what my NM did to me and I was abused by her all my life.
I do not have any feelings about my NM as she was dead to me for many years, but the injustice and helplessness of it is what I am finding hard to deal with.
I just found out that my Narc Mother died a couple of days ago. I live abroad and found out online. I am a 46 year old male, who went through years of verbal and mental abuse, mostly from the age of 12 when my parents divorced up until I went no contact at the age of 34.
ReplyDeleteI just found out this morning, online, and what I feel now at 4.30 in the afternoon, is a mix of relief, slight disbelief and a surreal feeling, and the sense of her death being anti-climactic, as I have already grieved not having a loving, caring mother for many years at this point.
I am hoping that it will be easier for me to forgive her now. I remind myself that she did not achieve what she had hoped for in this life, not even anything close to it as she was working at Wal-Mart into her 60`s and never re-married or had a LTR after the divorce (when she was about 33). She was living with my Golden Child younger brother at the time of her death. He is 42 and has never been married yet. I am curious about what will become of him after her death...
I am thoroughly amazed at this entry. I feel as though you have just written EVERYTHING in my mind since the death of my adoptive mother two days ago. Interesting that they are so skilled in destroying people that it is the same across the board.
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you very much for helping me understand my girlfriends troubles with her NM as she is very close to death. We are not a young couple and she has been dealing with the "THE MOM" for 61 years. I want to be at her side when that last breath is taken. We have been together for 2 years and never understood narcissistic people till she made me aware of her mother tendencies. I have been reading up on children of narcissistic parents and it's very tragic. Not sure which way she will go once her NM is gone, but I do know that I want to share every moment with her after the "THE MOM" is gone.
ReplyDeleteMy NM is dying as I type this, I have not been to see her, no for one year neither have my teenage boys. I am now enduring the influx of vile abuse from my nieces and brother all over Facebook! It is pathetic, not one of my siblings or family have ever bothered to as ME why or what and when I did try once I was told I was imagining things. They are all now watching her pain go however mine will be there along time ahead. Why oh why if she wanted me to see her on her death bed to say goodbye didn't she turn up on my doorstep and say sorry....she couldn't, she created this awful scenario and now she has to suffer the pain of dying without her favourite loving daughter by her side. The sooner she goes the better, I feel nothing but pity for her, it was her choice to treat me with contempt and turn my siblings against me now I can live my life as the real me. Thank goodness she got a computer it's amazing what you see, and they don't know I know it all.
ReplyDeleteThat's healthy and good on you. Go find that real you and live the hell out of it! Your post inspired me, thanks.
DeleteThank you for your essay - I have yet to shed a tear since the death of my father a year ago. I am quite clueless about what to say to people (who did not know him) who wish to say kind words to me about his death. My mother, married for over 60 years, has been and is totally blind to "what" he was and who she became within their relationship. And, of course, he surrounded himself with people who he could fool in to idolizing him..... I do not grieve for him, partly because he is still "alive" in my head (I am 60 years old). My emotions are more dead to me than he is. Very troubling. I will read every one who has responded to your writing - thank you again.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, I'm processing my own Mother's death from 7 years ago. She has a Family full of flying monkeys and I'm an only child, I took care of my Mother since I was 4 or 5 due to her illnesses.
ReplyDeleteIm only half way through and its like yr telling my story maintain their power at all costs - i have a narcissist father who pretended to be the good one and made my mother into the narcissist untl she passed and i moved in with him i always thought my mother was ghe problem he ruined my relationship with her all my family extended friends and now i have no father either my whole life which i thought was ok ish was a lie
ReplyDeleteThankyou so very much Gail. I have been struggling with the way that I feel about my mother and her passing, 3 years ago. I loved my mother because she was my mother, but did not like her as a person. She was just as you described your mother. My whole life she belittled me, turned family and friends against me.... even my own children since her death have nothing to do with me. I have 14 grand children that I do not have any type of contact with because of the lies and stories that my mother told their parents. It hurts terribly....I dont grieve for my mother the way that normal daughters*for lack of a better term- do, and I sometimes feel guilty because I do not. Then I remember the past...my whole friggin life and the way that she treated me, and I get enraged at her....I am so conflicted the majority of the time, and it is affecting my life....every day.....any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie just remember your not alone there are many others as in the post above its a subject that you cannot bring up even with your best friend because unless they have experienced narcissistic abusers they never truly understand good luck and just remember we all have the flying monkeys on our backs but as the years pass they too will either die or forget. Its good to write your thoughts down and vent on blogs like this I know the pain and anger and rage inside its almost unbearable that's why I write to myself but now I have found this blog I feel as if I'm understood and will keep reading the posts peace be with you your never alone keep reaching out never give up L
DeleteI'm right there with you. As the author of the article stated, turning that rage into compassion and pity helps. Narcissists lead pathetic and shallow existences, sucking us into their vortex of pain. Their "legacy," is their lies and manipulations. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. My plan is to go zero contact with any of them and drop off the map, start new someplace else.
DeleteThe velvet glove of treachery .
ReplyDeleteThe matriarchs have spoken .
The licenses are handed out .
Each confederate taken their token .
Got on their boots and knuckledusters .
All tooled up for the fight .
Not one of them can look at me .
Cause they attack in the dead of night .
Blindsided by a cowardly clan .
Of narcissistic rage .
All have been infantilised .
And remain that early age .
The women ruling at the top .
So bad they only worsen .
Clever , charming , well educated .
And they masters in coercion .
Hard . Not strong .
Dispassionate , cold and fully flawed.
Disdainful righteous haughty .
Acting as one God .
But if they meet the real one .
They shall be shaking in their shoes .
Ten pounds in a Sunday plate .
And an hour in the pews .
Is not enough to save them .
And their narcissistic clan .
They have tried to ruin me .
A good and honest man .
I moved away . Said nothing .
And I never shall again .
They never did deserve me .
In their demonic like domain .
Thanks for sharing this, Theresa!
DeleteMy answer to why I'm not grieving the loss of my mother has been answered I have read every post. I almost feel I'm cured of feeling guilty, selfish, less of a person even blaming myself it must be because I have no feelings. The truth is I have worked out I have been grieving for a mother who was proud of me, hugged me, told me its ok Im with you, told me she loved me and me knowing and feeling safe in her presence. I have searched Google for many years to find an answer to scared to tell anyone how I feel. Feeling as I'm the only evil one to hate their mother asking myself who hates their mother like I do. Thinking I was the cause of the ridicule the fights standing up for myself when I was 50 that really stirred her desire to put me down.She was always jealous of my father and I relationship she managed to destroy that in the end he became like her. Maybe she had something to be jealous about his attention started to wain the older I became and he too started to put me down. When I heard of her death I said thank you god the wicked witch is dead I actually rejoiced to myself. Little did I realize I would grieve not for her but the mother I never had. Thank you everyone for sharing and thank you Gail for your blog my life appeared at some stage in every persons reply. Peace be with you all and I feel for all of you who have endured years of this insidious disease called Narcissistic disorder.
ReplyDelete"... Grief should be processed three days after the funeral..."That's what narcissistic people say. Like my narcissistic mother who said that three days after my husband's funeral.
ReplyDeleteSo you could get back to your real job as soon as possible, which was meeting her "needs." Wishing you peace.
DeleteI just wanted to add to the list of "thank you"s for this post. My grandfather is dying finally at 90 years old, and I can tell people I care about are upset I am not sad. I am relieved. This post helped me understand, and perfectly put into words my feelings. He pushed my grandmother into a mental breakdown and an early death. His three boys all have serious issues, but don't see the damage he did to them. Unfortunately, my father carries on the NPD torch for him, so the flying monkeys will still be fed. I will remind myself that they are speaking for him in the days that follow.
ReplyDeleteI have no anger (I expelled that many years ago).
ReplyDeleteWhat I do have is a total lack of understanding of how, on one's death bed, a person can continue to unleash the devastation and the flying monkeys. I mean..if you know you're dying, wouldn't you want to make peace, or at least find that internally? What a sad, sad person my mother must be. I am so grateful that I had other influences who, even today, still help me maintain my sense of self (I like me!), and my sanity. Thank you for this amazing and raw article. It's very powerful!
Totally relate to this my old man died Sunday. All the flying monkies trying to make my children b at his death bed & then demanding they go to funeral. They've been NOC a year. Why would i let my kids near someone who hated me so much. The abuse by proxy his harsh but i will ignore them all.
DeleteI have no anger (I expelled that many years ago).
ReplyDeleteWhat I do have is a total lack of understanding of how, on one's death bed, a person can continue to unleash the devastation and the flying monkeys. I mean..if you know you're dying, wouldn't you want to make peace, or at least find that internally? What a sad, sad person my mother must be. I am so grateful that I had other influences who, even today, still help me maintain my sense of self (I like me!), and my sanity. Thank you for this amazing and raw article. It's very powerful!
I agree, Kimberlee. It was and is hard to fathom being on your deathbed and not wanting to make peace.
DeleteI too have a NPD mother although she was diagnosed with Skizoaffective disorder with bipolar. They never said anything about NPD. My mother has hated me all my life & been jealous of me even with my dad. I never know what mood my mother will be in from one day to the next. She blames me for everything: losing her drivers license, her being admitted to mental health hospital and anything else that is wrong in her life. I think I have already been thru the grieving process even tho she is not dead. She is sick, I think but she has cried wolf so much that no one really believes her. My brothers & I don't talk which is sad because I was very close to my younger brother. I don't hate my mother or my brothers I have learned to forgive thru Jesus Christ. I am low contact with my mother because I can't stand the ups & downs with my emotions with her. I feel sad for her & then I feel like a horrible daughter sometimes too for not helping her. My mother sees nothing wrong with her actions even when she came to the bank I work at & threatened to kill me. It was so embarrassing but at least my coworkers know that I have tried to help her & that my mom is crazy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for listening & all that u do to point out NPD
I am not pround of my feelings right now but honestly... the day my NM finaly dies my grief process will have two stages: acceptance and celebration. hope this day come asap
ReplyDeleteWow! This was so powerful to me. As so many other's have said, you could have been writing my story. I just wish I had known about narcissism many years ago, maybe it would have saved me so much pain. I always felt like my mother treated me the way she did because of something I did or something I lacked but now I understand!!! You have helped so many people by sharing your story, thank you! I will definitely be sharing my experiences to hopefully help someone else!
ReplyDeleteMy mother died this past Saturday night. I had been nc for about a year and a half. Prior to that I took care of her for 7 years and before that I took care of my dad while he was sick. My gc brother oversaw her health care while she was in a nursing home... after she ran oUT of mone for the assisted living facility.
ReplyDeleteWhile she was in an assisted living facility for 7 years..I saw her every week and oversaw her care there.
Now that her body will be buried soon...I will try to help her soul.
But to be very honest I feel nothing.I just feel numb. I am just at a loss about my relationship with her. I found out about her other life..which she profoundly hid during her entire life. She had been molested as a child by an uncle....when her famity found out..my grandfather in the scilian mob..had him killed..his family had to move out of state or they would all have been killed. But hidden beneath that she had an affair with her first cousin and my brother was born out of that hidden life.that horrific choice of hers..destroyed my family..but my dad took my brother as his son...and found out just before he died. But my grandfather did find out at that time and he had a heart attack...my grandmother almost died due to her shock and sorrow over my mother's life...but as a child I never knew the story..when my dad died she was mentally incapable to hide all this as her health diminished. BUT my
dilemma my entire life was knowing
something was very wrong with her...she couldn't care less about me and if my grandparents weren't living downstairs she most probably would have killed me. She was secretly poisoning me every morning with a Special Drink which she told me would improve my health. I threw up every day on the way to school for 6 years...until I just would not eat or drink anything before school and I just never got sick again. She killed my pet rabbit and served it to our family for easter..before laughing at the situation.I think she was a psychopath
Among other things as I got older she was just a miserable rotten person who only had love for her precious love child ..my brother.
Do I feel sorry for her? Yes ...but only after I found out the truth about her childhood. Do I mourn her? All my life but never knew why.
she destroyed all my relationships with my birth family and relatives i loved so much and childhood friends...I will not be attending her funeral or seeing my brother and his family. They believe her lies and vilify me for years.it was fitting the he be with her through nursing home year and finalize the details of her burial..even though I was the person who bought the plot and had her burial plans etc..already prepaid and and ready.
Her last hatred that I endured alone was because I would not let her live with me..after my dad died. My husband and son come first and I knew how destructive she was for me. I was physically becoming sick after this and that when I told my brother to take over. To be more honest I am the executor of the will and Co owner of my mother's real estate..so we still are civil to each other.
Your article was very truthful and accurately describe how different the death of a borderline narcissistic mother is. You made me feel validated in that respect.
Thank you . I will have my own way of helping her soul...but for now I am trying to figure out my own mental state.. happy, sad, free, ..but I am not angry...and haven't been since I found out about her childhood...I pray she has found some peace now..
I know I will also find peace when I just let it all go and move on with my life...
Dear Ms Meyers
ReplyDeleteI admire your wisdom and strength and love and compassion in caring for others to know the truth of what is mostly all of our thoughts and feelings. I am very sorry for the loss of your brother and grandmother. Your brother was most certainly a strong and courageous, wise man - just like his sister.
My book to be published on 31 January 2017 is based on 27 years experience in Marriage and over forty years as a daughter. There were more golden children and flying monkeys than I can count anymore - they have long since transitioned to NPD and one diagnosed psychopath.
I am hoping you would consider giving me permission to enter your highly articulated writing to continue sharing with more and more who want to know the truth as you have written it and we all know it deep deep down. I am using the APA Referencing guidelines and I look forward to your reply. I can be contacted at willowbrook435 at live dot com dot au. Kind regards, Hazel
Hazel, let me know how your book publishing went or is going. As you may know, I have had some extenuating circumstances. So, my apologies that this response is so late! I generally can be reached on Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother Facebook Resource Page, but lately I have been unable to read or respond to messages. Hopefully, that will be fixed soon and we can chat. - Gail
DeleteI'm somewhat relieved to find out that I am not alone in this. After 57 years of my mother's lies and manipulations I was relieved when she finally died. Her favorite MO was the 'Helpless' act. She would refuse to eat or drink anything until she got so weak she needed hospitalization. In the end she forced my brother and I to watch as she refused medical treatment and ultimately starved to death in a nursing home. The doctors and nurses felt awful as well because they could not intervene. They weren't supposed to go against a patient's wishes. Her personal doctor was shocked because none of her self inflicted/imagined illnesses were life threatening. This was her final act of punishment on my brother and I for not supplying her with the Narco attention that she demanded.
ReplyDeleteNo I do not grieve her but I do grieve for the childhood and the loving mother I never had.
Hello Damaged Daughter. I hope you are doing well, and I just want to let you know we have a small folder (photo album with meme quotes rather than photos) on Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother Facebook Resource Page that you (and others) might find helpful and validating. When you pull up the page, there is a welcome photo pinned to the top of the feed. On it there is a site map, then look for the appropriate folder/album. - Gail
DeleteSadly, I may never grieve my mother's death because her death itself was a punishment she inflicted upon my brother and I for failing to continue supplying her with the attention she demanded.
ReplyDeleteWhen we stopped rescuing her each time she went to the ER for self-inflicted dehydration and starvation and insisted that she seek medical and mental help and had her placed in a convalescent center she refused food and water and eventually died as my brother and I stood there and watched.
The ultimate guilt trip. Now we are left scarred for life.
Incredible. This post saved my life, especially "I had been grieving my mother for my entire life". My mixed feelings make so much sense now - I am sad she is gone, I miss her, but I always wished for more from her. I feel like I 'survived', now that she's gone. In the opinions of her flying monkeys and her 'favorites', she has now been sainted. And that's okay. I am going to be okay. Thank YOU for this post.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post, Gail. I've been NC with my narcissistic family now for almost three years. I don't care if any of my siblings calls me to inform me of her illness or death. I certainly won't see that as a betrayal at all, because they know that I simply don't give a damn. I remember as a child when NM would abuse me and I'd begin to cry, she would snap at me and say, "Cry, cry, that's all you know to do - cry when I croak!" which would make me cry even more because the thought of losing her was devastating. But now, five tortuous decades later, and having gone through the Death and Dying stages, the only thing I have left to say to her after she croaks is, "Good riddance!"
ReplyDeleteGoing on 6 years in therapy, December. Mom passing just 11 days ago was easier than I thought it would be, but it comes with many complex emotions and combinations of emotions like clusters. I dream, feel sad, emotional and even some physical stress and pain. I miss some of my moms presence and sad too for her life and mine as well as with sis could have been better had she sought help. Sister like mom is a narc, the niece is being made a golden child too. I was the scapegoat. My sister is a bully so I did not visit the hospital nor go to the funeral. I was cut out of family by the narc mother. It made letting go and the loss much less. The meanness and hate, envy and splitting was the hard part not her death per se. Your post is helpful !
ReplyDeleteMy mother died 2 months ago. I had nc for 2 years before that and didn't go to the funeral. It was a death I experienced like no other.
ReplyDeleteGrateful and relieved she no longer suffered...and could no longer hurt me...sorry we never had a real relationship. ..hopefully I could now move on and let it all go.
Spirituality played big role in letting God take care of the person He created...it was not my job..I am not God. During my lifetime I tried everything to be close but I will never know if it had an impact..she was too hidden and her false self was too imbedded in her.
So I will allow God now to purify her soul and I pray never to meet that person again in the afterlife. I do believe if we do meet again it will be the version of the mom I never knew....a kind,Godly,happy, loving soul, who is sorry for the devastating effects her worldly life had on me.
I never cried for her and yet feel a strange sense of peace..no guilt.
I think she is happy with whomever she valued...somewhere out there. I think she is happy to be gone.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories! I'm so very glad I came upon this post. It's nice to have the opportunity to share mine with people who will understand - especially today.
ReplyDeleteI apologize in advance for this very long post. First a bit of background: I am a 54 year old female, married, with two sons, 23 & 20. My father died when I was 21 and I have little family left. The only contact I have with my remaining family (some cousins) is superficial - through Facebook - we aren't close.
It was only a few years ago that I gained a true appreciation of what a narcissist was and the fact that NPD mothers existed. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me - that I was the only one who got treated that way and that it was somehow warranted because I just wasn't "good enough".
I grew up not knowing that my relationship my mother was not "normal" - it was all I'd ever known. That having been said, I did realize at a fairly young age that the other mothers in the neighbourhood, and the mothers on TV, weren't like mine. Mine was different. Mine was mean, but then again, I was "bad".
Always wanting to appear "normal", I hid the "dirty little secret" of the way she treated me from everyone. For the better part of my life I became a people-pleaser. Happy-go-lucky on the outside, while dying inside - sad, anxious and constantly walking on eggshells. I didn't want people to see that I wasn't "good enough" to deserve my own mother's love! Sadly, it wasn't hard to convince folks that my life was just fine, especially when my NPD mother was my partner-in-crime.
In public she was able to give the impression of being a loving, caring mother - at least most of the time. Very few people knew how extreme her criticism, anger, resentment, jealousy, selfishness, physical and emotional abuse, etc. was behind the scenes and those who did turned a blind eye. Oh I'm sure they rolled their eyes, or felt pity for me, at some of her more public criticisms and beratings ("I'm just trying to help you") but what were they to do? It wasn't their problem.
At this point I should say that my two younger siblings did not receive the same treatment as I did. Her narcissism was primarily directed at me. To date, my NPD mother and my two siblings (her flying monkeys) and I have been estranged for 20 years. To keep a long story short, I permanently broke ties with her after she started to play her old familiar head games with my eldest son who was 4 at the time. You can mess with me, but you can't mess with my kids! My siblings have not spoken to me since that day. I have no idea what my mother told them about our final encounter, but I'm sure she managed to play the victim and gain their sympathy. She was always really good at playing the innocent victim - Oscar worthy at times!
Although I have chosen to kept my past a secret to most people, I have recently started to share a bit about my life with my NPD mother with a close friend. On a walk this morning, I was telling him that my mother had been on my mind a lot lately for no particular reason. He asked me whether or not she was still alive. I told him that I honestly had no idea, but I assumed that if she had died, my cousins would have let me know through Facebook. Our chat got me thinking about how I would react to the news of her death. How do you acknowledge the death of someone who had a such significant role in your life because of their hatred for you?
This afternoon I had an odd gut feeling, so I Googled her obituary. There it was. She died two years ago. You'd think the news of her death might have warranted a Facebook message from my cousins.....Oh well.....I feel nothing really, except maybe some guilt for feeling nothing. I guess I'm acknowledging the death of someone who hated me by sharing my story. I hope it helps someone else.
Thank you for answering my question, Gail. I asked precisely that question and in such a "public forum" but never received a response of any kind what so ever.
ReplyDeleteMuch of what you've said holds perfectly true for me. I loved her but it was a relief when she was gone. I grieve more for the people she destroyed. I grieve for who we could have been without her. I want to be angry but, she couldn't help being a wolf. She was sick.
And so, I try to roll with whatever emotional/thoughtful wave comes at me without trying to make sense of it. I don't believe I ever can.
Thank you Gail. My mother died 8 months ago. My life mirrors aspects of yours and so many people who have posted. My son sadly died a year before my mother and I thought the genuine grief that I felt for losing him left nothing for her but really I know that her passing was a relief. Reaching puberty I became a threat to her and she used to tell me that I needed plastic surgery for the bump in my nose and similarly when my sister brought a boyfriend home from university she was just in the door and mum was pulling her jumper looking at her back saying "how's that acne"... She tried to criticise my daughter and I found the courage to stand up to her - I've always found it difficult to fight for myself but I often fight for others' rights - I don't know if that's something from having a NM. I did move and work in another country for several years - the distance helped to put my life into perspective. Now with her gone I'm trying to stop that critical voice (hers) in my head and have a go at doing things that I've always wanted to do. Often I feel like an adolescent although I'm in my 50's - experimenting and working on trusting my own judgement. I must say that I like my nose, yes, it's not perfect, I'm a quarter Italian and I look like my paternal Italian grandmother and I'm happy with that.
ReplyDeleteDear Gail,
ReplyDeleteI needed to read your article.
My narcissist mom is diagnosed with breast cancer and it seems very agressive.
I don't have contact since 2010. I went through many therapies, read a lot about narcissist and bordeline personnality disorder parents and how to survive them. I went through a lot of greiving already, long before she had cancer.
Now, I'm taken by surprise on how much I cry knowing she's going to die soon. Even if I know I'll feel liberated as I won't be afraid anymore that she could make some bad surprise for me, I cry a lot.
So, I searched on the Internet to try to find answers. I could consult a professional but I find it's hard to find people who truly understand the wounds of children of narcissists and borderline parents. That's why I often prefer to search the Internet for articles or books on the subject.
Luckily enough, I found this article and I beleive I just found the answers I was looking for and that I now understand what I find so hard in this greiving.
Firstly, you make it clear this is no regular greiving. Secondly, you describe well the differences: the wide and deep path of deceptions and desctructions, the serial greiving, the little girl that probably was still hoping, etc. I already feel better.
Thank you so much.
I guess my next step is to find information about the gifts of childrend of that kind of parents. I mean, I read many times that we are survivors, strong and creative people. I suppose I can find more information on how we can be appreciated and play a role that is fullfilling, gratifying and satisfying for us. But that's another subject.
Thank you again so much for sharing at length with us. Your words have already helped me a lot.
Wow. That is well said! Your insight has really confirmed for me what it is I'm dealing with as well. It's great to be confident in my decision to cut off my N mom, alcoholic dad, and flying monkey brother.
ReplyDeleteI fluctuate between rage at them and guilt for not speaking to anyone. I know I'd be walking into the wolf's den taking shot after shot if I initiate contact.
Reading about othersome experience truly is therapeutic so I thank you.
I still can't believe how Narcs really have the power to manipulate and lie to get people against you and defend them. It blows my mind realizing how susceptible pexpletive are to manipulation.
I'm so confused right now. My mom just died and I am so very sad. I wanted so desperately to fix everything for her.. A friend told me that maybe this is for the best because she was not always very nice to me. I feel that people think that I should not be grieving for her but I am. My heart is so heavy because of how she died. She was mistreated in a recovery home after breaking her foot.(she was only 74)She did not have dementia and was living somewhat successfully on her own. Some might say that this was karma but I can't stop crying for her. Maybe my tears are for who I wanted so desperately for her to be. We were in the process of repairing our relationship from across the country. I went to her, last spring and I came back home feeling so sad from the comments that she threw at me. I keep telling myself that "God understood her". My emotions are so raw and I don't know how to feel normal again. I never imagined that it would be this hard. My grief is so complex right now.
ReplyDeleteHello Anonymous. I am sorry for your loss. Please join us on Facebook at Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother. Also, pinned to the top of the feed of that page is a welcome post. If you open it you will find a link to the site map. If you go down the list of folders/albums, you will see one on The Death of a Narcissistic Mother that might be validating and helpful to you. - Gail
DeleteI am in debt to you. My NPD Mother In Law just passed and I am looking for ways to help my husband through it. Your post is to the "T" and explains-describes things in a way I never heard before. I have just finished reading this for the third time and still find things that I can either quote or use as an example. My relationship with my Mother In Law was also strained. Strained to the point of me closing the door to our relationship 8 months before her death. I feel bad but know I was at peace with our relationship up to the end. She was a bully and still is into her beyond life. I will do anything and everything to get my husband through this, sometimes these sorts of things are "Blessings in Disguise" and a large red carpet rolls out that solidifies your own thoughts.. Thank You very much for the "Red Carpet".
ReplyDeleteMy mother died 4 days after my birthday in august 2016.
ReplyDeleteI didn't attend the funeral or cemetery since her burial. My life has been chaotic since then. Right after her death my brother her flying monkey and golden child (secret love child from her decades long affair with her first cousin..which genetically hurt him). .was very adamant in getting rid of me by immediately making the move to fight and get rid of the shared inheritance of the house she left us. So a week after her burial he was dictating his desires . Since I know he has been completely brainwashed against me I couldn't trust him at all. I set out to not fight but instead apologize...why? Because I needed to rectify the house selling in a congenial way and be rid of him once and for all. So on Monday the closing is at hand and I ahve accomplished my goal. We are "friends" meaning polite but superficially of course.. that is fine with me. My underlying herpes condition which rarely ever was a problem..became a problem after years of taking care of the witch and now dealing with her love child..my brother. Even our interactions now are causing my herpes to be activated. I have to take medication to suppress that problem which in turn causes headaches.
I absolutely cannot stress the depth of destruction these evil demonic entities can have on our souls minds and physical bodies. It is so deeply imbeded that only complete dissolution of the relationships will break the chain. After the closing on the house on Monday I will have completed my relationship with him in this lifetime. I have always loved my brother but since the opening of the Pandora box of my mother's secret life...I now know without a doubt..that we were never meant to be friends on any adult level and my body soul and mind will soon be free of the past and rightfully so.
Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI am numb. I am just beginning this walk of understanding what a nm is. Without knowing, I walked away from a sil who is a narc, as well as two other people. I believe I been a magnet to these types of people after many, many years of living in these abusive relationships.
ReplyDeleteNow, my mother is aging and beginning to lose the sharpness of her mind. But oh, the games are there. Your verbage is spot on! I like how you say things.
I have so many conflicting emotions on top of numbness...does that make sense? Her husband is bipolar, and getting worse...she is getting worse...even trying to figure out how to help them is a battle. She won't listen to anyone. It all has to be her way.
The interesting thing is, she kept this special personality basically for me, all of these years. But now, as she gets older, it's spewing out on the family. She is having a harder time hiding the real her.
At this point, I feel revulsion for what she has done, but I keep thinking...she is my Mom. Really? Is that why she is always impatient and angry and unkind?
I have read all of these posts...thank you all for sharing. I don't know what to do right now. I know with certainty, at this point, I cannot walk away from my mom at her age. I will deal with it all later. But I am so thankful for people like you who are open and share with each other.
Thanks for letting me vent...
Hello Anonymous. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I just want to let you know there is a folder/album on Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother Facebook Resource Page with photos (meme quotes) with links to helpful articles. When you first pull the page up, go to the post pinned to the top of the page and click on the site map. - Gail
DeleteI was older when my parents died within a year of each other. One of them was a narrasist it seems to me now as I understand the disorder and knew of his upbringing. It seems classic. Went through anger when I was younger-but not now. Don't do it to yourself. Life is very, very short and you're wasting your beauty and energy on those who can't give you what you want because they didn't have it to give (or chose not to). In most cases they were so emotional damaged themselves. With them gone I chose to parent me-love me to the best I can be. No more anger-but love-and thankfulness at all that they did give me (which was a lot). I'm not perfect either-who is. I've made mistakes and have regrets that I will carry to my own grave. I chose to live each day-remember the smiles-the great experiences-the fun times-the knowledge and good intentions. I do think they had good intentions at the start. I'm grateful for that and all of the innate gifts that were passed to me. I chose to be happy-to find joy-to respect me for the brief flicker of flame that's left to burn in me-to be thankful for the fine life I have NOW. Don't waste it!
ReplyDeleteThank you *so much* for this, Gail. I wonder sometimes what things will be like when I find myself in this situation as the surviving child, and your article helped.
ReplyDelete