Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Dangers of Expecting a Deathbed Apology from Your Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother

The long hospital hallway leading to the narcissist mother's rabbit hole.

© by Gail Meyers
While narcissism is on a spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder is on the higher end of the spectrum. Narcissistic personality disorder is a serious condition displaying long-term, consistent hallmark behaviors. Narcissistic personality disorder can also present with other mental health conditions or personality disorders.

Mothers with narcissistic personality disorder are typically horrible parents, often especially damaging to their children. After all, what more convenient, vulnerable, easily manipulated and controlled narcissistic supply could there be than giving birth to an innocent, unsuspecting child.

Are you an ACON (adult child of a narcissist)? A DONM (daughter of a narcissistic mother)? Are you hoping and praying for a long awaited apology from your terminally ill mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Are you thinking surely after all of the abuse the narcissist will at the very least apologize!

Are you envisioning Narcissist Mother toiling upon her deathbed, wrestling with how to make amends for the seemingly endless trail of destruction and deception? Do you feel like this is your last chance to finally have some closure and healing from your narcissistic personality disordered mother? Before approaching the deathbed of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder expecting an apology, consider the likelihood of disappointment, abuse and abuse by proxy.

The Disappointment of Expecting an Apology

A sincere apology involves taking responsibility for your actions and expressing remorse for those actions. Unfortunately, the hallmark chronic behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DSM-5) remained unchanged on the deathbed. There was not a sudden urge for accountability after spending a lifetime avoiding it, nor did empathy suddenly flow from the deathbed. The Narcissist never sincerely apologized to anyone for anything, but in two rare instances crafted two forms of verbiage parading as apologies.

First, the fake apology given to one of her siblings, literally 40 years after the offense and estrangement, was for performance purposes with ulterior motives. The great offense of the younger sibling? Running for help and telling that the narcissist's husband had tried to molest her. The younger sibling was 12 years old at the time and had stayed all night with the recently wed narcissist couple.  The narcissist called her a liar, then spent the next 40 years demonizing her while the narcissist's pedophile husband went on to molest many other children.

Secondly, there was a non-apology given to another family member. This non-apology was a fake expression of alleged remorse that subtly shifted the blame away from the narcissist and onto another. This was also issued under public pressure with an audience of flying monkeys.

The narcissistic personality disordered mother never issued an apology or even an acknowledgement of any of the abuse toward her scapegoat children. If anything, she aggressively did everything in her power to take the scapegoats down with her. Her charade continued to the end with even the preacher at the funeral making a joke at the expense of her scapegoat children. The laughter rang out throughout the room.

While psychiatry considers narcissistic personality disorder a serious mental illness, Christianity would clearly consider it a grave spiritual condition. The consistent, enduring hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder line up nearly perfectly with what the pastor's faith would call evil.

First, the preacher displayed a lack of discernment regarding the narcissist, as well as a lack of class by making the adult children the butt of his public joke at their mother's funeral. Secondly, the whole room laughed letting the scapegoats know the extent of the narcissist mother's facade, gossip, lies and manipulation.

Expecting an Apology Sets You Up for More Narcissistic Abuse

While your defenses are down, thinking surely there will be a deathbed apology and merciful closure before saying goodbye, the predatory nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder remains.

Do not make the mistake of attributing normal human emotions to a narcissist or expect them to do what you believe you would do in their situation. Her actions clearly demonstrated that while making amends was the furthest thing from her mind, attempting to make sure the truth was not revealed or believed after her passing was a top priority.

Being a target in the past did not improve at the deathbed, but actually escalated. In my experience, the narcissist's favorite stunt was to viciously verbally assault a target when no one else was around, then put on an angel's face claiming it never happened.

So protect yourself by never being alone with the family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Bring someone with you who has not been caught in the sticky web Narcissistic Personality Disorder creates.

Expecting a Terminally Ill Narcissist to Apologize Sets You Up for More Narcissistic Abuse by Proxy

Unfathomable to some is the family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder using the deathbed to orchestrate the last grand performance of the great puppet master. After a lifetime of manipulating with pity, forever claiming to be the innocent victim, the Narcissist was a master manipulator. Highly charged emotions caused those close to the situation to be easily manipulated into abuse by proxy. Again, being a target in the past did not improve at the deathbed, but actually escalated.

A variation of the previously mentioned scenario also occurs. The narcissist abuses privately, then gaslights the victim by pretending it never happened. Then it is taken further when the abuser with Narcissistic Personality Disorder claims to be the victim and accuses the true victim of being the abuser.

This is a typical narcissist maneuver in my experience. This often results in the victim being abused by the narcissist, then shunned, ostracized or again abused by the people who believe the false accusations. This is the narcissist's abuse by proxy and the abusers most often used are better known as the narcissist's flying monkeys. These are the puppets the narcissist uses.

Adult Flying Monkeys May Inflict Adult Child Abuse

When a parent passes away it can be an extremely stressful time.  In a toxic family, no one deals with stress very well or in a healthy manner.  Instead they often fall back into old, abusive patterns as their toxicity comes shining through.  This was the case when my step-father died, as well as when my narcissistic personality disordered mother died.

My alcoholic pedophile step-father died many years ago, not long after I completed three years of sexual abuse therapy.  At this point, I had been out of the house nearly a decade and had not been in physical fights since leaving the jungle.  I was healing from the sexual abuse, but it was all still pretty fresh.

So a few days after the funeral my mother began singing his praises to my two sisters and myself.  She was intentionally going on and on blatantly trying to aggravate me.  In my opinion, what she was really angry about was that I had told the truth of the abuse (the abuse itself was not the problem, telling was), which forced her to have to leave him a year earlier and get a job.

She also had frequent jealous rages directed toward me.  In any case, she did not want to get a job.  However, she was happier after she realized she could draw enough Social Security after his death to not have to continue working.  She then promptly began using him and the sexual abuse as scapegoats to conceal her continued abuse.

So, she kept on taunting me until I said, "He was a pedophile!"  When I said that, my two younger sisters ganged up on me and began punching me in the face while my mother stood there with a smirk on her face.  They stopped after several minutes, at which time she pretended to be breaking up the fight.

Several years later, when our narcissistic personality disordered mother died, three of my siblings and their spouses all dog piled on me a couple of days after her death.  This mobbing was led by my narcissistic sister with all six of them ganged up on me.  This was only a matter of weeks after I had been released from the hospital and was still in a weakened state.  This is often when narcissists smell blood in the water like the sharks they are.   

Narcissistic sister knows it has not ended well for her in the past to have a direct confrontation with me because I will not mince (honest) words with her.  I see through her lies, manipulation, extremely inappropriate behavior and facade - and she knows it.  So she launched a surprise attack and ganged up on me six-to-one in my weakened condition.  This is another example of how pathetic and vengeful abusive, narcissistic people can be - with no empathy or remorse either.

There was no physical contact this time because they knew well by that point I would not hesitate to call the police.  They all would have gone to jail and they knew it.  So, it was a total set up with everyone acting  friendly up until that point.  Narcissistic sister let me know she was only getting along prior to that strictly for Narcissistic Mother's sake, as she stood up with notes in hand to give a tearful speech about how much she had done and how little I had done!  Yes, it was a continuation on the theme of our mother's fabricated martyr tales about how poorly she was treated!  I like to think of this as my narcissistic sister's I'm the new narc on the block speech.

So, be very careful of this if there is a history of physical abuse or if you have a very narcissistic sibling.  This is the kind of thing that can result from a narcissistic mother pulling the playing the victim while vilifying the real victim routine, telling slanderous gossip and dividing and conquering the children, pitting them against one another in order for her to be the hub in the middle.  Narcissistic siblings will often join in on the abuse of the scapegoats.  Narcissists in the extended family will also work together as long as it serves their individual purposes, and will even build on the lies of one another.

None of them, with the exception of my late brother, have ever sought therapy or even peeked out of the rabbit hole as far as I know.  So, they revert to what they were taught at home, which is to abuse the scapegoat.  Even so, they know what they are doing.  My mother greatly instigated this dog pile during the last days of her life, but my narcissistic sister was happy to oblige.  So, she gleefully suited up in her flying monkey uniform.

I had been no contact with narcissistic sister for years after telling her what I thought of her consistent narcissistic behavior. Just like our narcissistic mother would do with people, my narcissistic sister saw this highly emotionally charged situation as an opportunity for revenge because I confronted her years before about her narcissistic behavior.  How dare anyone expose a narcissistic person.  Narcs do not appreciate that, at all.  This mobbing also drew attention away from the fact that she barely had anything to do with our mother for several years prior to her illness.

Thankfully, in the years that followed this stunt, every one of her siblings saw through her treacherous shenanigans enough to back away from her.  This many years later, I can honestly say I have never gone no contact with a flying monkey family member and ended up regretting it.  Virtually without exception, they reinforced the fact in my mind that no contact was the right choice, just as my narcissistic sibling did here.   

Narcissists in a family will often gang up to tag team a scapegoat, especially if the scapegoat refuses to play their assigned role.  This allows the narcissistic mother to inflict even physical abuse, then put all the blame on the children as if she had nothing to do with it or was trying to stop it when the opposite is true.  The look on her face and in her eyes always betrayed her and revealed the truth, if it was not already clear.  It was like an evil little smirk and glimmer of satisfaction that could easily be missed by someone who does not realize they are dealing with such a treacherous person.

Conclusion

Whether or not to visit the deathbed of a family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a personal choice we each must make for ourselves. However, the expectation of an apology is nearly certain to end in disappointment. If you have been a target in the past, lowering your defenses in anticipation of a deathbed apology may very well expose you to further direct abuse or abuse by proxy.

Adjusting expectations, never being alone with the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and taking an appropriate person with you if you do decide to visit are practically ways to protect yourself.

This article was originally published on HubPages October 16, 2011, moved here in August of 2013.  The following published comments are from that time period:

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sparkster 22 months ago from Here To Eternity Level 6 Commenter
Very interesting and informative. People often fail to realize the extent of this disorder. It took me a long time (over a decade) to realize that my (ex)partner would never admit the truth to me or apologize for her actions even when I was on my deathbed because of the abuse (and abuse by proxy).

Naima Manal 18 months ago from NY
It must be very difficult for a child to emerge from this experience without scars. But I hope that many people with this experience are able to find wholeness and closure while maintaining what is important to them from their families, even if it is at a distance.

aviannovice 6 months ago from Stillwater, OK Level 8 Commenter
Pretty amazing. I had an ex that had a narcissistic mother, and turned the same way. There were other problems, too, though.

Gail Meyers 6 months ago from United States Hub Author
That was absolutely the issue, Sparkster. At the time I failed to realize the unfathomable depth of the disorder. There was a professed Christian woman about to meet her Maker. Instead of confession and repentance that one might expect, it was one last kick in the behind.

Gail Meyers 6 months ago from United States Hub Author
Naima, NPD parent destoy lives, as well as the relationships of their targets. There is no question about it. However, healing is possible with a lot of honest hard work, prayer, the help of God and often the assistance of a good therapist. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

Gail Meyers 6 months ago from United States Hub Author
I definitely agree that it's amazing and I hope your ex has since found healing. To the casual observer who has a good grasp on NPD, the idea of expecting a deathbed apology can seem nearly comical. However, no matter what the age, I think everything in a child of a terminally ill NPD looks for resolution before the finality of the passing of the parent. It is also something that our mind may tell us is logical because it is often what people do before they die. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, aviannovice.

LongTimeMother 5 months ago from Australia Level 7 Commenter
Even though I am perfectly healthy, I tell my kids that if I ever get alzheimers, contract some awful disease or just simply turn into a ratbag, they should stay away from me and enjoy their lives. I don't ever want them feeling like they have to visit me, particularly if I was rude to them. (And I would never deliberately be rude to them.)  Your mother should have apologised. Does it help if I say "sorry" on her behalf? I am so sorry.

Gail Meyers 5 months ago from United States Hub Author
Thank you, LongTimeMother. She has been gone for several years now, but at the time I wrote this there was not any information on this particular situation to be found on the web. So, writing it helped me process it as well as making the information available to others facing the situation of a terminally ill NPD mother. The hope is always that they will change, even up to the last minute. The point is they don't. If someone can accept that reality, it is a big step in the right direction toward healing. An NPD does not do what many would expect before dying - reflect, make amends, etc. They continue on with their facade they are heavily invested in and continue the abuse as they have for decades. A terminal illness does not change the NPD for the better, but may even make the behavior worse. I am glad to hear you would not be deliberately rude to your children and I appreciate your apology on her behalf. Although it feels as if the anger and pain will never end, it did. I have come to a place of just truly pitying her. Thank you for reading and commenting.

LongTimeMother 5 months ago from Australia Level 7 Commenter
I'm not sure she deserves your pity, Gail. You obviously know more about any circumstances that may have led to her condition, and you're the one who knows what kind of difference it made to her life, so I respect your decision to pity her. From where I'm sitting though, my pity doesn't lie with her.
I am very pleased that you managed to make a life for yourself and come to terms with your past. That takes a special strength.

Gail Meyers 5 months ago from United States Hub Author
I pity her for the person she truly was, not any circumstances that led to her condition. She made many choices along the way to arrive at such an emotional and spiritual state.
In my opinion, facing reality and processing the emotions in healthy ways can go a long way in the healing process. However, in the end there are some things only God can heal. Thank God He does.

Green Art 4 months ago Level 3 Commenter
I recently talked to my narcissistic mother about past physical and verbal abuse as a child and verbal abuse as an adult. She is in her eighties and of sound mind and good health so I felt it was OK to ask her some questions. She denied ever saying or doing anything wrong and emphatically stated that she had an excellent memory. The implication being that I was lying. She has since called me once to yell at me and sent me a letter still denying that she ever did anything to me. I am not going to contact her again because at this point I feel as though nothing will change. She does not take responsibility for anything she has said or done to myself or siblings.

My mother was clever and only abused me and my siblings primarily in private. No witnesses. In fact none of us knew about the others treatment until we were adults and started bringing up things our mother had done.
I feel as though I've given her every possible chance to have a positive relationship and no longer expect it to ever happen. It's sad, but then again I feel a sense of relief that I've done enough.

Thank you for writing such a personal hub. Voted up and useful!

J. Cash 3 months ago
Wow I cried reading this and wondered who had crawled into my soul!! I felt as if I was reading my own life story. The similarity is eerie yet comforting knowing I wasn't the only one. My mother had passed, but the damage was long done. I have almost no relationships with any of my family members (flying monkeys). I realized before she died that she was a product of her raising by her mother who was the same way. While I have faith in God, I cannot go to church anymore due to past traumas caused by my mother. Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I'm not alone, I'm not crazy and I don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be around the "flying monkeys" anymore.

Green Art 2 months ago Level 3 Commenter
Mother's Day was yesterday and I did not call, or even send a card to my Mother. It is sad and yet I felt it necessary to protect myself from further hurt.

I enjoyed my own family on Mother's day and that made it perfect:) I hope others who read this hub and other posts here find comfort that they are not alone. Peace to all of you and a good life!

Gail Meyers 2 months ago from United States Hub Author
Green Art, I am glad it appears you are finding some resolution to the situation. I think anyone in this situation is far from alone. 

Gail Meyers 2 months ago from United States Hub Author
J. Cash, thank you for reading and commenting. On one hand, I am glad you found comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has gone through something like this. On the other hand, I hate that you can relate to my experience so well because I know how painful it can be. Thank you for reading and commenting.

3 comments:

  1. As I read this story I could not believe how much of it mirrors my own life. My mother just passed away two weeks ago. What I am enduring now is something I could not have prepared myself for. The Flying Monkey's have been released. I have decided to not let these monkeys drag me back to a place that took me a long time to get out of. Just when I thought a good portion of my parents severe abuse could be put to rest...up jumps the abuse by proxy. A bad Legacy carries on. So so sad.

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    1. Anonymous, my heart goes out to you! Please let me know how you are doing now.

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  2. I can relate to all of this i confronted my mother of her physical and emotional abuse. She was upset with me and of course did not admit what she had done nor apologize. There was no contact between us for twelve years but i have to say i did expect her to one day come around. My mother was very ill and was dying and i thought for sure she would make amends with me knowing she was going to die. My mother passed away two months ago i was devastated that she did not contact me to make things right . I am still that little girl looking for my Mother`s love. I have made the decision to go to therapy in order to heal from this. I do realize that my Mother was not capable of love she was a very sick person .She had all her flying monkeys and they will continue to place blame on me because she manipulated all of them. I will have no contact with them either I choose to heal and be happy and i will not allow myself to be dragged down with the rest of them. I have no contact with my Father and siblings either and have made the decision to keep it that way. I know the truth that is all that matters.

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