Comments on The Dangers of Expecting a Deathbed Apology from Your Narcissistic Mother
|Get to the core of the shiny red apple!|
Very interesting and informative. People often fail to realize the extent of this disorder. It took me a long time (over a decade) to realize that my (ex)partner would never admit the truth to me or apologize for her actions even when I was on my deathbed because of the abuse (and abuse by proxy).
It must be very difficult for a child to emerge from this experience without scars. But I hope that many people with this experience are able to find wholeness and closure while maintaining what is important to them from their families, even if it is at a distance.
Pretty amazing. I had an ex that had a narcissistic mother, and turned the same way. There were other problems, too, though.
That was absolutely the issue, Sparkster. At the time I failed to realize the unfathomable depth of the disorder. There was a professed Christian woman about to meet her Maker. Instead of confession and repentance that one might expect, it was one last kick in the behind.
Naima, NPD parent destoy lives, as well as the relationships of their targets. There is no question about it. However, healing is possible with a lot of honest hard work, prayer, the help of God and often the assistance of a good therapist. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
I definitely agree that it's amazing and I hope your ex has since found healing. To the casual observer who has a good grasp on NPD, the idea of expecting a deathbed apology can seem nearly comical. However, no matter what the age, I think everything in a child of a terminally ill NPD looks for resolution before the finality of the passing of the parent. It is also something that our mind may tell us is logical because it is often what people do before they die. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, aviannovice.
Even though I am perfectly healthy, I tell my kids that if I ever get alzheimers, contract some awful disease or just simply turn into a ratbag, they should stay away from me and enjoy their lives. I don't ever want them feeling like they have to visit me, particularly if I was rude to them. (And I would never deliberately be rude to them.) Your mother should have apologised. Does it help if I say "sorry" on her behalf? I am so sorry.
Thank you, LongTimeMother. She has been gone for several years now, but at the time I wrote this there was not any information on this particular situation to be found on the web. So, writing it helped me process it as well as making the information available to others facing the situation of a terminally ill NPD mother. The hope is always that they will change, even up to the last minute. The point is they don't. If someone can accept that reality, it is a big step in the right direction toward healing. An NPD does not do what many would expect before dying - reflect, make amends, etc. They continue on with their facade they are heavily invested in and continue the abuse as they have for decades. A terminal illness does not change the NPD for the better, but may even make the behavior worse. I am glad to hear you would not be deliberately rude to your children and I appreciate your apology on her behalf. Although it feels as if the anger and pain will never end, it did. I have come to a place of just truly pitying her. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I'm not sure she deserves your pity, Gail. You obviously know more about any circumstances that may have led to her condition, and you're the one who knows what kind of difference it made to her life, so I respect your decision to pity her. From where I'm sitting though, my pity doesn't lie with her.
I am very pleased that you managed to make a life for yourself and come to terms with your past. That takes a special strength.
I pity her for the person she truly was, not any circumstances that led to her condition. She made many choices along the way to arrive at such an emotional and spiritual state.
In my opinion, facing reality and processing the emotions in healthy ways can go a long way in the healing process. However, in the end there are some things only God can heal. Thank God He does.
I recently talked to my narcissistic mother about past physical and verbal abuse as a child and verbal abuse as an adult. She is in her eighties and of sound mind and good health so I felt it was OK to ask her some questions. She denied ever saying or doing anything wrong and emphatically stated that she had an excellent memory. The implication being that I was lying. She has since called me once to yell at me and sent me a letter still denying that she ever did anything to me. I am not going to contact her again because at this point I feel as though nothing will change. She does not take responsibility for anything she has said or done to myself or siblings.
My mother was clever and only abused me and my siblings primarily in private. No witnesses. In fact none of us knew about the others treatment until we were adults and started bringing up things our mother had done.
I feel as though I've given her every possible chance to have a positive relationship and no longer expect it to ever happen. It's sad, but then again I feel a sense of relief that I've done enough.
Thank you for writing such a personal hub. Voted up and useful!
Wow I cried reading this and wondered who had crawled into my soul!! I felt as if I was reading my own life story. The similarity is eerie yet comforting knowing I wasn't the only one. My mother had passed, but the damage was long done. I have almost no relationships with any of my family members (flying monkeys). I realized before she died that she was a product of her raising by her mother who was the same way. While I have faith in God, I cannot go to church anymore due to past traumas caused by my mother. Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I'm not alone, I'm not crazy and I don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be around the "flying monkeys" anymore.
Mother's Day was yesterday and I did not call, or even send a card to my Mother. It is sad and yet I felt it necessary to protect myself from further hurt.
I enjoyed my own family on Mother's day and that made it perfect:) I hope others who read this hub and other posts here find comfort that they are not alone. Peace to all of you and a good life!
Green Art, I am glad it appears you are finding some resolution to the situation. I think anyone in this situation is far from alone.
J. Cash, thank you for reading and commenting. On one hand, I am glad you found comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has gone through something like this. On the other hand, I hate that you can relate to my experience so well because I know how painful it can be. Thank you for reading and commenting.