Friday, March 22, 2013

The Terminal Illness and Death of a Narcissistic Mother

Funeral Flowers for the Death of a Narcissistic Mother by Gail Meyers
The Death of a Narcissistic Mother

© by Gail Meyers
The  death of a parent can be one of the most stressful and traumatic events in life. It is a often a difficult time no matter what your age or your relationship with the dying parent. If the parent has Narcissistic Personality  Disorder you can find yourself in an even more overwhelming, confusing  and painful situation. Whether you have been no contact or you interact with your narcissistic parent on a daily basis, your emotions, friends, family and even your pastor may tell you to rush to the bedside of this parent.

That is a choice each of us must make for ourselves.  These people may have good intentions, but the average person can not even begin to fathom the situation.  It is common for those around the  narcissistic personality disordered mother's scapegoat to give such advice, which is part of what kept me trapped in a cycle for so many years.

Before  anything else, know that there is support out there. Even if you have felt alone and like no one understands, there are hundreds of people who have experienced a narcissistic personality disordered mother. That validation alone can be surprising, validating and healing.


The Sacred Role of Mother

The sacred belief that the mother is nurturer, defender and greatest ally to her children is deeply ingrained in most of us. It is so contrary to nature and society for a mother to behave in any other way toward her children that many simply assume these qualities in a mother.  Just as this idea has likely worked against you long and hard, it only escalates when a mother with narcissistic personality disorder becomes terminally ill.

Sacred Role of Mother Quote by Gail Meyers
The Sacred Role of Mother

The average person can not begin to grasp the idea that a mother is intentionally destroying her own child, especially if she masquerades as a "selfless saint." They have never witnessed just how fast the angel mask comes off or even dream of what is truly under the mask. A narcissist personality disordered mother uses this sacred belief of mother to her full advantage.

Narcissistic Mother's Manipulation

Just like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz sent her flying monkeys after Dorothy, the narcissistic personality disordered mother will send her flying monkeys after you.  Expect nothing less during a terminal illness of a narcissistic mother than for her to continue to use them to manipulate and punish. If anything, and as pathetic as it may sound, my mother used the highly  charged emotions of the dying process in several ways.

Highly  emotionally charged people are much more easily manipulated, so the flying monkeys may be in rare form. If  anything, the manipulation with guilt and pity greatly increase during the stress of terminal illness and death.  Narcissists are extremely jealous people, but they believe others are  jealous of them. The jealousy can also increase during this time because now in addition to whatever else she was jealous about, she is now jealous of others being healthy.

Whatever trauma, suffering or pain  she has caused you or anyone else for decades is irrelevant. The whole world now needs to stop, take note and offer admiration, time, money,  etc., for the narcissistic mother who is now suffering. Keep in mind that to the narcissist, this is their final grand performance. She became  more brazen and more abusive when terminally ill.

This is  counter-intuitive to what normal, healthy human beings would do or contemplate another human being doing during this time. However, I literally saw  my mother instantaneously change characters several times depending on who just walked in or out of the room. So be warned if you are the scapegoat.

Narcissistic Mother Hallmarks:  No Remorse, No Empathy, No Regrets

It is my opinion my narcissistic mother was a dangerous  person. That is true even with her facade of the  "sweet little old lady down the street." In my experience a narcissistic  personality disordered person is only bound by what they believe they can get away with, so terminal illness may actually bring out more aggression.

A narcissistic personality disordered parent lacks  empathy. So while you as the grown child may be filled with empathy for  this dying parent, realize that human qualities such as empathy, compassion and remorse do not suddenly materialize during the dying process or upon the deathbed. If this changed at all on the deathbed, she only became more  dangerous. So do not expect any genuine remorse, empathy or compassion to suddenly materialize.

The Entitlement of a Narcissistic Mother Knows No Bounds

Just like in life, the entitlement of a terminally ill narcissistic  personality disordered mother knows no bounds. During the nearly two  year terminal illness her grown children and their families were to  support her financially, as well as to provide 24/7 care. If it was not provided, the grown child was accused of not loving their mother. If one of the scapegoat children's families needed to go without utilities in order to support their mother, so be it. If a grown child had young children or a full time job, their 8 hour daily shift of personal care was still demanded.  Only one of the two grown scapegoat children questioned this as being  unreasonable - me.

It resulted in the grown children fighting amongst  themselves under the strain, rather than stand up to the narcissist who  flat refused to allow the assistance of hospice. It resulted in a mobbing, dog pile style, on the vocal scapegoat child (me) by the other grown children and their  spouses. How dare anyone question the absurdity of the self proclaimed  "selfless saint" mother flat refusing to allow for the assistance of  hospice and demanding 24/7 care from her grown children for two years!

So, literally, if you are getting ready to drop dead from a lifetime of the narcissistic mother's abuse and trying to meet her unreasonable demands, do not think there will be the slightest consideration for you. The same goes for finances. If you need to lose your house in order to buy a dying narcissistic mother's medication,  then that is what will be expected.

If the whole family raised by the narcissistic personality disordered mother remains in denial or have  not sought recovery, they remain toxic and well trained. There is no consideration here except the narcissist's demands, even if it kills everyone else, especially the scapegoats, in  the process, that is truly of no concern.

The Narcissist's Lies, Gossip, Slander and Flipped Tales

A narcissist's weapon of choice is often verbal - slander, lies, playing the victim in flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser,  gossip, rage, verbal abuse and intentional infliction of emotional pain. It is a systematic dismantling of another person's relationships,  reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, life and very soul. This is why narcissists are so often called "emotional  vampires."

I would caution someone not to underestimate the cumulative results of this kind of behavior. Again, in my experience the narcissist became even more aggressive during terminal  illness. The slander and lies may actually escalate as an effort in the narcissist's mind to ensure that the flying monkeys will never listen to or believe the true victim or scapegoat even after the narcissist's death.

If for some unfathomable reason you want to get in a narcissist's head, all you have to do is listen to their accusations. A narcissist is constantly projecting their negative character traits onto others. Did  you just catch the narcissist in a lie? You're about to be called a  liar. They love to strip the real victim of their virtue and themselves of their abuse with projection and twisted stories. Whatever qualities you value in yourself are likely targets. You pride yourself on being honest or  generous? They will rip you off, then accuse you of being a lying thief.



I  honestly do not believe a narcissistic personality disordered mother is capable of love.  A true narcissist parent sees others, including their own children, as objects based on their usefulness. There may be the appearance of love, but if you look closely, someone such as the golden child, is adored not loved, for their usefulness to the narcissist's all important image. If you think you love a narcissist, you more than likely love a person who never existed, a facade.

If  the narcissist mother does not love you, you have likely been accused many times of not loving your mother. This is projection as well as a way for narcissistic mom to manipulate the children. So, if you dare not meet the unrealistic and unreasonable demands, this only serves as "proof" of your lack of love.  Failing to meet ridiculous demands or even questioning a narcissistic mother is a punishable offense.

If the NPD mother is bed ridden,  the flying monkeys will be employed to inflict your punishment. How dare  you not drop dead from exhaustion or lose your house to take care of  your "selfless saint" mother! Of course, even if you do lose your house and collapse from exhaustion, you will still be accused of not loving the narcissist mother. Just realize it is projection.

The Aggressive Terminally Ill Narcissistic Mother

I sincerely believe and experience has demonstrated to me that a  narcissist high on the spectrum can kill as surely as if they shot someone. My narcissist mother nearly took both of her scapegoat children down to the grave with her, so I am not kidding.  All the while she had everyone fooled into thinking we were treating her so poorly!  So in my opinion, this situation is especially dangerous if you do not realize your mother has narcissistic  personality disorder and you continue to attribute human qualities to  her while expecting some hint of normal human responses. In my experience, the predatory nature of a narcissist mother continued and escalated on the deathbed.

The distinct difference with the narcissist is if someone shoots you, you have an obvious wound, a weapon and an  investigation. You can say the person shot you and here is the bullet wound to prove it. A wrong was clearly done to you by an act of  aggression from another person.  However, the narcissist mother's maneuvers are notoriously deniable.

Even if a narcissist did shoot  someone, it would not be her fault according to her.  She will play the victim and vilify the true victim.  Here is  an example of the more overt aggression. During a visit one of her flying monkeys enablers walked out of the room. She then immediately began to viciously verbally assault me thinking there were no witnesses, as was her routine many times. She was so drugged up that she did not realize when the flying monkey returned.

In hindsight, it was  truly nearly comical how quickly my narcissist mother transformed back into a sweet talking angel upon realizing the narcissistic flying  monkey daughter had walked back in.  Anyone who believes a pathological  narcissist does not know what they are doing has obviously never witnessed the literally instantaneous transformation from raging  monster to sweet talking angel upon the unexpected arrival of a flying  monkey.

Narcissistic Mothers Know What They Are Doing Quote by Gail Meyers
Narcissists Know Exactly What They Are Doing

Being a well trained flying monkey, this sibling's eyes got as big as saucers when she heard what the narcissist was saying to me. She then quietly turned around and walked out of the room. I have little doubt she would deny it ever happening to this day.

The deceitful maneuvers are rarely so obvious while they are occurring. Especially in the beginning  you may have to literally stand back from a situation and analyze exactly what happened. Narcissists are charming, convincing,  cunning actors since they have spent their entire lives pretending and  their greatest fear is being exposed.

Once you learn about the disorder,  if you are able to fully grasp the idea that there are not only people  like this walking around on this planet, but one of them is your parent, it is easier to see reality.  Initially, while learning about the depth of the disorder, I thought about it as what  an evil, self centered six year-old would do. You will  soon discover it is much more sinister than that, but that is a good starting point if you are just discovering this disorder.

Underestimating a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother

I have often read the biggest mistake people make dealing with a clinical narcissist is to UNDERESTIMATE  just how evil they truly are. That was exactly my thought when I  received such a strong warning, but 25 years later I can honestly say the therapist was not exaggerating.

Remember that when even a well  meaning flying monkey starts telling you how harsh you are for  protecting yourself and your children from your narcissistic mother. It is not harsh. You should protect yourself and your children from a narcissist just like you would any other predator. The  wolf in sheep's clothing may fool some, but it does not make the wolf any less of a wolf.

See a flying monkey for what they usually are.  Flying monkeys are often willfully blind, weak in the sense that they lack the backbone to stand up to the narcissist, are easily deceived and  manipulated and/or are narcissists themselves. Whatever the reason, the  flying monkey has also taken it upon themselves to put their nose where it does not belong - in your personal business. It is always amazing  how a flying monkey seems to believe everything is their business, but if you attempted to do the same to them they would cut you off in a heartbeat.

Instead of wasting anymore time, energy and frustration, politely cut them off. Something along the lines of, "You  may be right, but I have decided to go no contact. That is my decision  and I would like for you to respect that decision." You know they are not right and I am not suggesting you lie. What I am suggesting is a  self-respecting, gracious exit out of the conversation.

Those who are  truly seeking the truth of a matter inquire. They ask questions instead of making judgments. They listen to both sides. People who truly care about you, respect your feelings and point of view. If the flying monkey is not doing any of those things their motives are not pure or they are  intruding in your personal life. A flying monkey who believes you have to agree with them about everyone and everything in order to have a relationship needs to grow up or see a therapist.

Conclusion

If you decide to visit your narcissistic personality disordered mother be very careful. Narcissistic personality disordered mothers die the same way they lived. The human race may empathize, forgive and feel remorse, but a narcissist mother does not. Healthy  introspection can be difficult for any of us, but I would say it is next  to impossible for a narcissistic personality disordered mother. So even if she wanted to change, and I have never  seen or heard of one who truly did, many believe they are incapable of the introspection the healing process requires.

While the late Dr. M. Scott Peck, a practicing psychiatrist for more than 30 years, was best known for his book The Road Less Traveled, he later wrote People of the Lie in the early 1980's. Based on my experience, I believe the late Dr. M. Scott Peck was on the right path with People of the Lie.  He documents his belief that malignant narcissism is more than just a  personality disorder, it is evil personified. You can go down the list  of the evil attributes and they line up with a pathological or malignant narcissist's  behavior right down to the parading as "an angel of light."  A narcissistic  personality disordered, evil person will destroy you and move on to the next target without so much as a second thought.
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*This article was originally published on September 18, 2012 prior to being moved to this blog.    

14 comments:

  1. My narcissistic mother raised me, an only child, to be quite literally the family slave, never to move out, never to marry, never to be independent, always to wait on my parents hand and foot for life. (My father was only too glad to have my mother's attention focused on me rather than on himself.)

    After finally at age 43 learning the truth of the matter and fleeing with only the clothes on my back, my mother quickly recruited a whole army of flying monkeys to pressure, shame and reproach me for abandoning my 'poor' parents in their hour of need. Never mind that at the time my parents still had the means and the health to look after themselves perfectly well. My mother also made use of her band of flying monkeys to stalk me wherever I went, with a view to using the information she gleaned to attempt to thwart my every effort to successfully lead an independent life.

    When my father in time developed Alzheimers, I made an attempt to return and help. Big mistake. My mother was only concerned about one thing -- re-enslaving me. She raged at me and threatened suicide day after day. One day during her wild rage, I called the police. She went from (supposedly) suicidal raging maniac to meek little lamb in less than ONE SECOND! 'Goodness gracious, officer dear! Me, suicidal? Really?' But the moment the police were gone, the wild raging immediately resumed, right where it had left off, without skipping a beat.

    So whenever anybody says that a narcissist doesn't know what they are doing and can't help themselved, don't you believe it for an instant!

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  2. I can really relate to your comments!

    I absolutely agree with you and always disagree when someone states that a narcissistic personality disordered person does not realize what they are doing. First of all, their schemes are much to calculated and intricate to be accidental. Secondly, I have also witnessed that instantaneous transformation that you describe occurred when the police arrived.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

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  3. Thank you for this article....my NPD mother is also terminal...I have been NC for last 4 1/2 years with many on/off periods in between over the last 40 years and I made certain I lived far enough away to discourage much visiting. Two of my grown daughters happened to be passing near her town very recently and hadn't seen their grandmother in many years.They decided to pay her a visit. [ My children have always known 'something wasn't right' with my relationship with my mother and there was simply no way to ever quite explain it. I only discovered NPD a week ago...I am 55 and have been the primary target for at least 50 of those years. I left home at 17 (more like thrown on the street ...a top student, active in church, and extremely well mannered...in case anyone thinks only a brat or druggie would get thrown out at 17). Not knowing what I was dealing with I spent years trying to 'repair' which was only futile on top of dealing with the years of hurt and pain from childhood throughout adulthood, a woman who had virtually no interest in my 5 children, a woman that was never a mother a day in her life...finally I realized NC was the ONLY way to protect myself and I have never looked back....it also meant I had to sever ties with the Goldenchild as well. That wasn't hard since our family had long been destroyed all my sibling relationships never stood a chance except with one brother who was target #2 and the free-for-all-target from another brother and two stepbrothers...my siblings weren't really mean to me because I either stayed to myself or was busy doing housework and cooking....'girls work' to them. My two younger sisters basically self appointed themselves each as the golden child because it saved them from what they saw happening around them.] at any rate much of this was just to much to ever explain to my children....even now that I know about NPD it's too hard to explain it to anyone really. BUT my point is that because my of my daughters recent visit....it stirred up genuine concern from my oldest daughter....all she see is a frail and fragile old woman who is closing in the last months or possibly a year or more of life. My mother is now 80 and riddled with malignant tumors too late to reverse. My daughter is now the perfect 'Flying Monkey" and I have no doubt she will be used as such. What do I do? My daughter will never understand this and never understand why I can't 'make amends' etc. My daughter is the gullible type and I feel that I will be further victimized because in her mind this is unthinkable that I would not want to rush in to my frail old mother during her final days. My daughter intends to go visit again in the near future. Her recent visit was very impromptu and her best friend was with her...so of course my mom did her thing, put on her show, and they think she is this most wonderful amazing old lady who had been abandoned by her daughter. Apparently, my mom kept them up all night talking and my mom seems to have a pile of regrets although nothing very specific was relayed when my daughter was telling me of this. Interestingly my mother indicated she wants to take a train or bus to find my brother who has been NC for 10 years so that she can tell her son she loves him and is proud of him before she dies. I don't think my daughter even noticed that she never said a peep about wanting to do the same for her daughter (me)... my daughter isn't able to see the obvious irony. It's possible my mother could have said she loved me or something similar but I don't think my daughter would have not remembered to tell me. I didn't pry or dig...I had actually only asked if anybody knew what became of my youngest sister. My daughter volunteered her sharing of the experience and I could tell by her voice that she really was caring and concerned about the old woman.

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    1. Anonymous, my heart goes out to you. What you have described is a very familiar scenario, which is why I support no contact. I can not advise you or tell you what you should do, but I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. Please join us on Facebook if you like. The link is in the right margin.

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  4. Thanks for this article, I am 45 & have only just heard about this disorder, but for a few difference this sounds just like my nut job mum. I hear people talking about the verbal nastiness but in my world it is both verbal & violent, excessively so (or was, I left home a long time ago). As to the question "Do they know what they do?" YUP THEY DO!!! they never do it to someone who can fight back & the instant personality change is to consistent to be anything other than contrived. Thankfully she is dying now & it gives me both solace and a touch of guilt, I can live with both!!! Thanks again for putting a name to what she has it somehow sounds more solid that my mother is MAD.

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    1. Thank you, Grateful. Experts often comment that more than one personality disorder can be present in an individual. I wish you well on your healing journey, and I invite you to join us on Facebook.

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  5. I can't thank you enough for this blog, this particular topic. I have come home to be with my mother who is 82 and had her left breast removed last year due to cancer. She has been out of work for some years, now, because of her back and a poor operation that left her with a dropped foot. I left home when I was 17. I am 57. I am floored by her behavior and I wither at the looks of hate she gives me....oh it is awful. She does this in front of people.....belittles me, shoots me looks of hate and disgust.....and I came home as she lives alone and I thought I could help. She didn't need any help. I made the wrong decision. I have to admit, I thought that we could heal what she had done, how she had treated me...oh so emotionally neglectful and hurtful. I was the scapegoat. And I had accomplished the most. I am the oldest of four girls, two of which she had at 40, when I was 15. I came home because I had also been a victim of a crime and I so wanted my mother to just hug me, tell me that she loved me, before she died. I am on disability myself, so have a small monthly income. My son had driven me from the west coast to be here. And now I'm stuck. My son has just become engaged to a wonderful woman and I love her......and another reason for coming out here was to give them some space and then return in a couple of years when a grandma might be needed. :) I am glad I left home at 17 or would have maybe turned out just like her. My mother and I have never had one conversation about anything at all that normal mothers and daughters have. I first noticed this in college with the other girl's mothers. I really felt so low I thought of suicide.....she is that hurtful. But thankfully, on FB, I saw a page dealing with this topic....and then I saw the above regarding aging, ill NPD mothers. And oh I can't thank you enough. It has given me the strength to deal with it....and I go over to that page everyday for support. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you, Anonymous. I am sorry for your pain, but glad you are finding strength and support. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences.

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  6. Thank you for this article. It is spot on, and something I am going through right now. The only thing I would like to add is that the narcissist in my case if my father. I have gone no contact and flying monkeys are encouraging me to come spend "just two pleasant minutes" with him. They do not realize there is no such thing.

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    1. Anonymous, please feel free to join us on Facebook. The link is in the right margin. There are many of us who understand and have been where you are. So know that you are not alone.

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  7. oh oh oh, i cant believe what i'm reading, well of course we all know that I can or I wouldn't be here.... This rings more true to me than any information on narcissism I have found yet....I do not have a narcissistic ill mother, but I found this blog whilst looking for info on narcissist with terminal illness, probably posting this comment in the wrong spot but here goes...

    It has come to be my belief that my husband of 15 years is a malignant narcissist. In the first few years I had no idea really, very young and he was soooo charming, it was very subtle, although when I look back, there were many things I can see now, that didn't seem to raise any red flags to me then.

    Then came THE ILLNESS. The diagnosis came four years ago, and these four years have been the worst of my life. To be looked straight in the eye by the N and told (or raged at) that you are actually not as important them because they are the one who is ill is quite confronting, particularly when you have tried so hard to be by their side through thick and thin....

    The Jeckyl and Hyde scenario continues to astound me, the vile things said to me and me alone, when no one is around. It is gut wrenching to watch this sickeningly nice guy charm the pants of everyone....only to go stab knives into my heart when we are alone again.

    I have read that narcissists deep down feel that they are not as good as others, and i truly think, that by being diagnosed with an illness it somehow confirms their greatest fears that they are defective human beings, in turn catapulting their narcissistic behaviours to new and unchartered territory.

    I have tried to leave this man more times than I remember in these four years, each time to be guilted and manipulated into coming back because I have abandoned him in his time of greatest need. The lies he has told people about being the victim at the hands of such a 'horrible wretched woman' have left me speechless ( I have edited this phrase for you all as you wouldnt publish most of what he has said...).

    Each time I leave him, I have gain a little more strength, a little more self respect and self love, and hear a little bit more of my own voice. The realisation that I just cannot do this anymore is hitting me square in the face now. I've been in denial for too long, excusing his behaviour any which way I could.

    Several weeks ago I told him I wanted a separation, and this time I intend to follow through for my own health and my own sanity. I pray I can find the strength to carry through with my desire to end this, what I can only call a living hell, for now, thanks to him, I really am alone in the desert.

    I know that it is going to get uglier before it is really over and I am free, I try everyday to brace myself for this mentally, but the narcissist never fights fair, or will never wish you well it seems, and will never cease to shock me what such people are capable of. I cannot love him anymore, I feel that he has tried to devour my soul and crush me into dust.

    I was once a strong, vibrant and happy individual, she is not dead,just gone missing, I will find her again.

    Peace to everyone here, I hope you are all in a better place in your life now or even a step closer than you were.

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  8. Re: the statement that someone 60+ starts recovering from narcissism -- potentially an NPD themselves. This is the problem I have been running into. Once I figured my NPD ex-wife, she realized that I had figured her out -- and so started creating various smokescreens to pin back the definition of NPD on me. It didn't matter if she had to lie. Ns don't necessarily need friends -- they need Flying Monkeys -- so by creating the cloud of despair over all of us, my boys and I became (and still are) socially isolated. It turns into a situation where folks on the outside say 'I don't know who is at fault, so I'll just avoid both parties.'

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  9. I am just stunned. The pain in my chest that is developing as I read all these things is like a release. Suddenly, I'm not the bad guy any more. Five years ago, my mother accused me and mine of stealing stuff from her smelly house. I blew up at her, told her she had dementia and said don't call unless you need something. I found out a few days ago that she fell and was in a home. Golden Child half-brother didn't even tell me. I found out (small town) and we went to see the old bag. She's whining about how I didn't care so why should he tell me. Wow. I've been beating myself up until yesterday. Funny how I always knew she'd cut me out of the will if I stood up for myself but I did it anyway. I felt such relief when she had finally been told 5 years ago but now, she's in a home. She is miserable and the pressure on me from the neighbours and my own son is torture. I "should" not be the way I am being. I have had two professionals tell me she is toxic but still, the social pressure to not dismiss your mother is excruciating. I know what she is. I have always known. I hid in the closet as a kid when she was raging. I hid in a laundry hamper. I hid all sorts of places to get away from her. But I had no choices. She was my mother. I got away then I came back. I believed she would be a grandmother to my kids. She is not. Her younger son (my 1/2 brother) was an alcoholic and he killed himself 10 years ago. He used to ask me if I was afraid of her--if she scared me. He was the scapegoat who never did anything right then the bastard died. Now I am the scapegoat. I got to play between golden child and scapegoat until he did that and then the true golden child began to shine (oldest 1/2 brother). I was trapped cleaning up physical messes at her house and sitting at the hospital with her while he took her out for lunch and propped her up for family photos. I am not even invited to family stuff he organizes. I am a complete outcast. Now with her in this home, he's taken over everything but she gave him poa after she took it away from me. I feel guilty and lost and abused. I don't know if I'll ever get to the other side of all this because no one will ever believe me. My mother is evil and I have said so for years but no one believes me. So, I hide.

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  10. My mother is a classical, evil, perverse covert narcissist. She ruined my life, as well as the lives of my golden child sister and my deceased enabler father. I only heard about NPD one year ago and had this amazing, overwhelming epiphany. Since then, I fear her. I fear her a lot, despite we´re on low contact and I do not depend on her. She is 76, she wont live for too long, and I´ve been trying to find advice on what to expect in the end. I guess her final act will be somehow preventing me to inherit, since she has got a lot of money and she knows I would need it in the future, coz my husband has a degenerative disease. Those people are monsters; now that she knows that I know who she is, her glances of contempt and malignancy each time we meet really make my blood freeze.

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