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The Terminal Illness and Death of a Narcissistic Mother by Gail Meyers, coming soon.
Do Not Become a Narcissist's Flying Monkey Video © by Gail Meyers A narcissistic personality disordered mother has flying monkeys. This is a term taken from The Wizard of Oz , where the flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch. The flying monkeys may be your neighbor, church members, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, nieces, nephews, etc. These people do the narcissist's dirty work and often pour their own abuse on the scapegoat. I spent years of my life trying to show various flying monkeys the truth. It virtually never worked, not once in the twenty or so years I kept trying to "clear the air" or to finally be understood. They do not understand because they do not want to understand. Many are willfully ignorant and blind to the situation. There is not some magical phrase and method you have not yet discovered that is suddenly going to cause these people to stand up for the truth. What I have realized is t...
My narcissistic mother raised me, an only child, to be quite literally the family slave, never to move out, never to marry, never to be independent, always to wait on my parents hand and foot for life. (My father was only too glad to have my mother's attention focused on me rather than on himself.)
ReplyDeleteAfter finally at age 43 learning the truth of the matter and fleeing with only the clothes on my back, my mother quickly recruited a whole army of flying monkeys to pressure, shame and reproach me for abandoning my 'poor' parents in their hour of need. Never mind that at the time my parents still had the means and the health to look after themselves perfectly well. My mother also made use of her band of flying monkeys to stalk me wherever I went, with a view to using the information she gleaned to attempt to thwart my every effort to successfully lead an independent life.
When my father in time developed Alzheimers, I made an attempt to return and help. Big mistake. My mother was only concerned about one thing -- re-enslaving me. She raged at me and threatened suicide day after day. One day during her wild rage, I called the police. She went from (supposedly) suicidal raging maniac to meek little lamb in less than ONE SECOND! 'Goodness gracious, officer dear! Me, suicidal? Really?' But the moment the police were gone, the wild raging immediately resumed, right where it had left off, without skipping a beat.
So whenever anybody says that a narcissist doesn't know what they are doing and can't help themselved, don't you believe it for an instant!
I can really relate to your comments!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with you and always disagree when someone states that a narcissistic personality disordered person does not realize what they are doing. First of all, their schemes are much to calculated and intricate to be accidental. Secondly, I have also witnessed that instantaneous transformation that you describe occurred when the police arrived.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Thank you for this article....my NPD mother is also terminal...I have been NC for last 4 1/2 years with many on/off periods in between over the last 40 years and I made certain I lived far enough away to discourage much visiting. Two of my grown daughters happened to be passing near her town very recently and hadn't seen their grandmother in many years.They decided to pay her a visit. [ My children have always known 'something wasn't right' with my relationship with my mother and there was simply no way to ever quite explain it. I only discovered NPD a week ago...I am 55 and have been the primary target for at least 50 of those years. I left home at 17 (more like thrown on the street ...a top student, active in church, and extremely well mannered...in case anyone thinks only a brat or druggie would get thrown out at 17). Not knowing what I was dealing with I spent years trying to 'repair' which was only futile on top of dealing with the years of hurt and pain from childhood throughout adulthood, a woman who had virtually no interest in my 5 children, a woman that was never a mother a day in her life...finally I realized NC was the ONLY way to protect myself and I have never looked back....it also meant I had to sever ties with the Goldenchild as well. That wasn't hard since our family had long been destroyed all my sibling relationships never stood a chance except with one brother who was target #2 and the free-for-all-target from another brother and two stepbrothers...my siblings weren't really mean to me because I either stayed to myself or was busy doing housework and cooking....'girls work' to them. My two younger sisters basically self appointed themselves each as the golden child because it saved them from what they saw happening around them.] at any rate much of this was just to much to ever explain to my children....even now that I know about NPD it's too hard to explain it to anyone really. BUT my point is that because my of my daughters recent visit....it stirred up genuine concern from my oldest daughter....all she see is a frail and fragile old woman who is closing in the last months or possibly a year or more of life. My mother is now 80 and riddled with malignant tumors too late to reverse. My daughter is now the perfect 'Flying Monkey" and I have no doubt she will be used as such. What do I do? My daughter will never understand this and never understand why I can't 'make amends' etc. My daughter is the gullible type and I feel that I will be further victimized because in her mind this is unthinkable that I would not want to rush in to my frail old mother during her final days. My daughter intends to go visit again in the near future. Her recent visit was very impromptu and her best friend was with her...so of course my mom did her thing, put on her show, and they think she is this most wonderful amazing old lady who had been abandoned by her daughter. Apparently, my mom kept them up all night talking and my mom seems to have a pile of regrets although nothing very specific was relayed when my daughter was telling me of this. Interestingly my mother indicated she wants to take a train or bus to find my brother who has been NC for 10 years so that she can tell her son she loves him and is proud of him before she dies. I don't think my daughter even noticed that she never said a peep about wanting to do the same for her daughter (me)... my daughter isn't able to see the obvious irony. It's possible my mother could have said she loved me or something similar but I don't think my daughter would have not remembered to tell me. I didn't pry or dig...I had actually only asked if anybody knew what became of my youngest sister. My daughter volunteered her sharing of the experience and I could tell by her voice that she really was caring and concerned about the old woman.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, my heart goes out to you. What you have described is a very familiar scenario, which is why I support no contact. I can not advise you or tell you what you should do, but I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. Please join us on Facebook if you like. The link is in the right margin.
DeleteIf my experience can help you with any decisions, here it is...I was NC/LC for many years and my daughter recently visited my NPD mother over the summer on her way to a cruise ship with a friend that accompanied her. She found the same thing, a little old lady who had recently lost her husband (my stepfather), who was desperate to restore contact with her. My MNM mother said something to my daughter that made her feel guilty for not getting in contact with her grandmother and grandfather when she turned 18. When my daughter came home, we sat down for a talk about that guilt, why she picked it up and who was really responsible for not having a relationship with her or not showing the least bit of interest in restoring one over all the years of her life. That openned the discussion around projection. It's easy to feel sorry for these people because they "look" so innocent. But upon closer inspection, that is not the case. Fortunately, my daughter had been shown what real grandmothers were like, how they behaved, and my husbands mother once told her that she would have never let her go. I pulled upon that information and compared what she really got from my mother. There was a time when both my daughters thought it was my fault for not making amends. It wasn't until they spent a short amount of time with my mother before they felt something was "off" with her.
DeleteThanks for this article, I am 45 & have only just heard about this disorder, but for a few difference this sounds just like my nut job mum. I hear people talking about the verbal nastiness but in my world it is both verbal & violent, excessively so (or was, I left home a long time ago). As to the question "Do they know what they do?" YUP THEY DO!!! they never do it to someone who can fight back & the instant personality change is to consistent to be anything other than contrived. Thankfully she is dying now & it gives me both solace and a touch of guilt, I can live with both!!! Thanks again for putting a name to what she has it somehow sounds more solid that my mother is MAD.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Grateful. Experts often comment that more than one personality disorder can be present in an individual. I wish you well on your healing journey, and I invite you to join us on Facebook.
DeleteI can't thank you enough for this blog, this particular topic. I have come home to be with my mother who is 82 and had her left breast removed last year due to cancer. She has been out of work for some years, now, because of her back and a poor operation that left her with a dropped foot. I left home when I was 17. I am 57. I am floored by her behavior and I wither at the looks of hate she gives me....oh it is awful. She does this in front of people.....belittles me, shoots me looks of hate and disgust.....and I came home as she lives alone and I thought I could help. She didn't need any help. I made the wrong decision. I have to admit, I thought that we could heal what she had done, how she had treated me...oh so emotionally neglectful and hurtful. I was the scapegoat. And I had accomplished the most. I am the oldest of four girls, two of which she had at 40, when I was 15. I came home because I had also been a victim of a crime and I so wanted my mother to just hug me, tell me that she loved me, before she died. I am on disability myself, so have a small monthly income. My son had driven me from the west coast to be here. And now I'm stuck. My son has just become engaged to a wonderful woman and I love her......and another reason for coming out here was to give them some space and then return in a couple of years when a grandma might be needed. :) I am glad I left home at 17 or would have maybe turned out just like her. My mother and I have never had one conversation about anything at all that normal mothers and daughters have. I first noticed this in college with the other girl's mothers. I really felt so low I thought of suicide.....she is that hurtful. But thankfully, on FB, I saw a page dealing with this topic....and then I saw the above regarding aging, ill NPD mothers. And oh I can't thank you enough. It has given me the strength to deal with it....and I go over to that page everyday for support. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous. I am sorry for your pain, but glad you are finding strength and support. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences.
DeleteThank you for this article. It is spot on, and something I am going through right now. The only thing I would like to add is that the narcissist in my case if my father. I have gone no contact and flying monkeys are encouraging me to come spend "just two pleasant minutes" with him. They do not realize there is no such thing.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, please feel free to join us on Facebook. The link is in the right margin. There are many of us who understand and have been where you are. So know that you are not alone.
DeleteGail,
DeleteI know these posts are old bu It was trying to find your email. I hope this reaches you. At the late age of 57 and with the help of your writings I am trying to start the healing process.Unfortunately I came back to my hometown after 30 years of living away, thinking that I might establish a better relationship with my NPD mother before she dies. I see now this was a mistake and am surrounded by a family of flying monkeys. I need a therapist that knows how to help me on this subject but cannot find many who are trained. I live in San Antonio Texas. Any thoughts?
Lori
Hello. I can be contacted by email on my Facebook pages, (Gail Meyers) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother. The link is in the right margin of this page under "Recommended." On the welcome post at the top of the Facebook NPDM page you will find a site map with folders containing more information by both professionals and other survivors relevant to your situation. Additionally, most of the professionals quoted on that page offer services (including international telephone consultations). There is also a folder entitled "Therapists and Resources" on NPDM, then there is also 211.org to help locate available services in your area. I hope that helps.
Deleteoh oh oh, i cant believe what i'm reading, well of course we all know that I can or I wouldn't be here.... This rings more true to me than any information on narcissism I have found yet....I do not have a narcissistic ill mother, but I found this blog whilst looking for info on narcissist with terminal illness, probably posting this comment in the wrong spot but here goes...
ReplyDeleteIt has come to be my belief that my husband of 15 years is a malignant narcissist. In the first few years I had no idea really, very young and he was soooo charming, it was very subtle, although when I look back, there were many things I can see now, that didn't seem to raise any red flags to me then.
Then came THE ILLNESS. The diagnosis came four years ago, and these four years have been the worst of my life. To be looked straight in the eye by the N and told (or raged at) that you are actually not as important them because they are the one who is ill is quite confronting, particularly when you have tried so hard to be by their side through thick and thin....
The Jeckyl and Hyde scenario continues to astound me, the vile things said to me and me alone, when no one is around. It is gut wrenching to watch this sickeningly nice guy charm the pants of everyone....only to go stab knives into my heart when we are alone again.
I have read that narcissists deep down feel that they are not as good as others, and i truly think, that by being diagnosed with an illness it somehow confirms their greatest fears that they are defective human beings, in turn catapulting their narcissistic behaviours to new and unchartered territory.
I have tried to leave this man more times than I remember in these four years, each time to be guilted and manipulated into coming back because I have abandoned him in his time of greatest need. The lies he has told people about being the victim at the hands of such a 'horrible wretched woman' have left me speechless ( I have edited this phrase for you all as you wouldnt publish most of what he has said...).
Each time I leave him, I have gain a little more strength, a little more self respect and self love, and hear a little bit more of my own voice. The realisation that I just cannot do this anymore is hitting me square in the face now. I've been in denial for too long, excusing his behaviour any which way I could.
Several weeks ago I told him I wanted a separation, and this time I intend to follow through for my own health and my own sanity. I pray I can find the strength to carry through with my desire to end this, what I can only call a living hell, for now, thanks to him, I really am alone in the desert.
I know that it is going to get uglier before it is really over and I am free, I try everyday to brace myself for this mentally, but the narcissist never fights fair, or will never wish you well it seems, and will never cease to shock me what such people are capable of. I cannot love him anymore, I feel that he has tried to devour my soul and crush me into dust.
I was once a strong, vibrant and happy individual, she is not dead,just gone missing, I will find her again.
Peace to everyone here, I hope you are all in a better place in your life now or even a step closer than you were.
Re: the statement that someone 60+ starts recovering from narcissism -- potentially an NPD themselves. This is the problem I have been running into. Once I figured my NPD ex-wife, she realized that I had figured her out -- and so started creating various smokescreens to pin back the definition of NPD on me. It didn't matter if she had to lie. Ns don't necessarily need friends -- they need Flying Monkeys -- so by creating the cloud of despair over all of us, my boys and I became (and still are) socially isolated. It turns into a situation where folks on the outside say 'I don't know who is at fault, so I'll just avoid both parties.'
ReplyDeleteI am just stunned. The pain in my chest that is developing as I read all these things is like a release. Suddenly, I'm not the bad guy any more. Five years ago, my mother accused me and mine of stealing stuff from her smelly house. I blew up at her, told her she had dementia and said don't call unless you need something. I found out a few days ago that she fell and was in a home. Golden Child half-brother didn't even tell me. I found out (small town) and we went to see the old bag. She's whining about how I didn't care so why should he tell me. Wow. I've been beating myself up until yesterday. Funny how I always knew she'd cut me out of the will if I stood up for myself but I did it anyway. I felt such relief when she had finally been told 5 years ago but now, she's in a home. She is miserable and the pressure on me from the neighbours and my own son is torture. I "should" not be the way I am being. I have had two professionals tell me she is toxic but still, the social pressure to not dismiss your mother is excruciating. I know what she is. I have always known. I hid in the closet as a kid when she was raging. I hid in a laundry hamper. I hid all sorts of places to get away from her. But I had no choices. She was my mother. I got away then I came back. I believed she would be a grandmother to my kids. She is not. Her younger son (my 1/2 brother) was an alcoholic and he killed himself 10 years ago. He used to ask me if I was afraid of her--if she scared me. He was the scapegoat who never did anything right then the bastard died. Now I am the scapegoat. I got to play between golden child and scapegoat until he did that and then the true golden child began to shine (oldest 1/2 brother). I was trapped cleaning up physical messes at her house and sitting at the hospital with her while he took her out for lunch and propped her up for family photos. I am not even invited to family stuff he organizes. I am a complete outcast. Now with her in this home, he's taken over everything but she gave him poa after she took it away from me. I feel guilty and lost and abused. I don't know if I'll ever get to the other side of all this because no one will ever believe me. My mother is evil and I have said so for years but no one believes me. So, I hide.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is a classical, evil, perverse covert narcissist. She ruined my life, as well as the lives of my golden child sister and my deceased enabler father. I only heard about NPD one year ago and had this amazing, overwhelming epiphany. Since then, I fear her. I fear her a lot, despite we´re on low contact and I do not depend on her. She is 76, she wont live for too long, and I´ve been trying to find advice on what to expect in the end. I guess her final act will be somehow preventing me to inherit, since she has got a lot of money and she knows I would need it in the future, coz my husband has a degenerative disease. Those people are monsters; now that she knows that I know who she is, her glances of contempt and malignancy each time we meet really make my blood freeze.
ReplyDeleteAll these stories ring bells with me, it's hateful enough that our mothers treat us this way, to be disbelieve and pressured to "do more" for them feels like being punched in the face. My own mother has always been vicious to me, but in company was so sweet about me, and never allowed me out of sight or earshot - I found out that for years our village thought I was in some way impaired because she used to speak for me, if I dared disagree with her, she'd make me suffer. I finally escaped by moving far enough away to be physically out of reach, although she'd insist on phoning up to 20 times a day if she knew I was at home and even managed to get my restricted office number, making me a laughing stock to colleagues. I'd have gone n.c. years ago, but my Dad was a truly wonderful man, who tried to reign in her excesses, and the love for him kept me available to her, although while he was alive she was insanely jealous of our relationship and tried really hard to spoil it. When Dad was dying, we were around his bed and she actually demanded that I take her home - she appeared bored, one of her neighbours took her home instead, no way was I leaving. Every day she drops hints about my moving back with her, how she could look after me - I'm happily married for goodness sake! She now has paid carers every day, and each one of them tells me how much she loves me, how lonely she is, how much more often I should visit, etc. Today, in the middle of a normal, bland telephone call, one carer walked into the room, mum said " I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," when I asked what she was sorry for, she said, " I'm sorry for everything". This would sound like I'd been cruelly berating her, another bad mark for a rubbish daughter! I'm in my 50's, not a kid, she's blighted most of my life and I'm seriously considering n.c. to try and have some peace for my loving supportive husband and me.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom is terminally ill. After she refused to go see a doctor at my insistence, she informed me that she was "the only one who ever loved me," that she never wants to see or talk to me again, and that I can consider her dead. Two days ago, my father wrote me a letter that read: "I am the only one left who cares about you, and no member of your family wants to see or talk to you again. Consider me dead. I want the same peace your Mom has found." A very merry Xmas to all. I am currently under Flying Monkey Attack!! so I appreciate this article very much.
ReplyDeleteMy "mother" was a narcissist and so is my sister. I refuse to see my sister and only by my actions of getting an attorney did I prevent my share of estate being taken by her. She has tried to ruin my life ever since, but people who know both of us can now see through her constant narcissistic efforts and blabber. The people at my dad's nursing home hate her and tell me about her behavior. She has worn out her welcome in this small town by using people to stay with since she could not afford a motel. No one wants her to stay with them anymore.I will not let her in my home. To me she is the same as dead.
ReplyDeleteI am reading this post and tears are streaming down my face. I have been so afraid for so many years, keeping myself contained as to not upset my mother or cause her to turn against me. I moved away from home for around 10 years and I 'forgot' what my mother was like, or I came home to no longer being the "golden child" and had switched places with my sister, who had become the 'golden child' when I was away.
ReplyDeleteThe past 5 years have been a nightmare. I know my mother gave me a dirty looks when I expressed joy and tears as I was creating a life for myself, I know my mother has tried to destroy me, I know my mother faked happiness at my success only in front of other people, I know my mother has isolated me from my entire family, I know my mother will never stop deceiving or lying and that she carries such deep secrets inside of her and she will take it all to her grave and offer no relief to anyone. I weep still, finding it so hard to believe and accept and wanting so badly to feel her love, which keeps me a child, and my head and heart ache because the reality just feels so dim. I am in therapy with her and she (a Clinical Psychologist) is working the therapy sessions and the therapist, and I have believed she is trying to change and I am terrified that I have let her in, as only a loving daughter would, and that she is going to destroy me again, this time for good. I am struggling to gain financial independence and I am relying on her, playing this game, and I pray that I will move through this, to another chapter in my life, and forget. She accused me of enjoying hurting people, accused me of hating her, and its almost impossible to face that she is the one who is capable of these things and moreso, that she directs this towards me. How do you love someone like this and love yourself at the same time?
A letter to my NM that might resonate:
ReplyDeleteFrom a very early age, I have sense something in you, something that made me feel like I don’t matter. It’s a deep feeling, one that makes me feel a deep sorrow and hollowness. I can remember so many times where I needed you to just be there for me emotionally and your feelings were elsewhere. I don’t think I have many memories of you sharing any feelings with me, yours of sharing in my feelings as I was experiencing them. These past years I feel like something is off with you and It colours my whole history. Looking back, I used to understand on some level that you didn’t know who I was or ho I felt, but I thought we had a silent understand or love between us, and I thought I was normal that I did not feel much of anything. I felt that under the surface, if I had any feelings or emotional needs, it would make you very angry so I swallowed it all, and I suffered a lot because of it. I could not handle a lot of the feelings around the divorce and non top of that; I was emotionally abandoned by you time and time again.
Since coming moving back home, I now see what it means for me to have feelings and to bring them and my rights to this family. I have never been so severely punished and so fully blamed, not only for things that I did not do, but for yours and other people’s mistakes. It feels like you want me to pay the price for something and that price is my whole life, that you tried and try to do everything within your power to make me feel like dirt, including enabling others who have treated me poorly. I watch as you hide the truth and twist the facts to accomplish this and I wonder what your motives possibly could be. I wonder where your values lie, how come you lie, and why you work so hard to keep yourself in the center of a hurtful chaos that causes so much suffering for others. I wonder if you have any sense of your own spirit or soul or how come you have caused so much pain. I wonder why you did not put your own abuse into any type of context and work towards developing compassion and empathy for yourself or others to save your own children and grandchildren from this horrible fate of abuse and why you are so deeply cruel to the people you love. I don’t understand why you can’t talk about yourself honestly or your experiences or your deeds with honesty. I don’t know why you pretend or make things out to be different than they are or were. I don’t know what you have gained from destroying your family. I never knew you were so empty or how threatened you really were by any positive power in me, by the confidence that I had earned, by the basic respect for my own feelings which I depended upon, for the beautiful voice I had for singing and expressing my thoughts, and most of all, for the love and care that I felt for others. I never knew you hated the best of me. I never knew you felt so black inside and I didn’t know that that blackness had turned into such rage and contempt and hatred after you lived with it for so long. I have never known such cruelty, such unending and out of control lack of perspective and seepage, as I have in the last 4 years when you have twisted the lives of every single member of your family into ruins. I wonder what is so dark and twisted in you that you could not face and I pray that the darkness you have brought upon this family and me fades with time.
Gail, is this "evil personified" defined as human evil or satanic evil...or is there even a difference? I'm confused on that point but if there was a specific kind of demonic spirit involved, it would explain the uncanny similarities in so many of our mother's behaviors.
ReplyDeleteMy mother told all her friends during a 3 year period when I was forced to move home that I was a horrible daughter who yelled at her and abused her…so when they came over (i thought it would be nice if I served them and just stayed out of the way) …she could not explain to them why I was actually being so nice…..so when I would bring cookies to their table…she would open her mouth and feign shock and say " oh my Allison….this is soooo nice of you" as if my behavior of being nice was somehow "not the norm". This is how I was to her always…This is how I know she is deceitful. She was playing a role. It was well crafted. How terribly sick. Even my therapist told me she was very sick….still I doubted…After 50 years of neglect, dismissal, and ignoring me, yelling at me, accusing me, condemning me, vilifying me, lying about me, abandoning me…I still think she is somehow unaware of how cruel she is…and think something is still wrong with me? She won't discuss it …if I bring it up she screams at me and calls my sister to pick her up and tells my sister Im abusing her…a few times she outright lied , made it up completely…I was reading a book on the sofa…she gave me a weird look and then went into her room and closed her door so I couldn't hear…then she started telling lies that I was yelling at her while I was in the next room reading a book….my sister promptly showed up to assist her with her entire family…they all wouldn't speak to me, rolled their eyes…accused me of hurting her as they whisked her away…I felt like I was going nuts. I have since gone NC and don't care about the flying monkeys anymore…I feel like I can breathe. My son is safe.
ReplyDeleteMy Mother passed away last night. I feel as if I should say that I am wrong for not feeling terrible grief--the kind that I felt when my Dad died--but I admit --I am feeling relief. But I feel as if it is not real yet. Almost like--I do not believe she is gone. Esp since I got the news from my sister--one of her golden children. I was the main scapegoat of the family. Now my sister is still in charge of carrying out her wishes for her memorial service. The first wish --so far--is that she is cremated and that the family not send flowers to the family--in lieu they should send flowers to loved ones--so they know that they care about them while they are living. Honestly--it seems kinda selfish that my Mother would not be thinking of her own family --but that she would want her Memorial Service to make HER look good. But maybe I have a Memorial service all wrong--I know it is to memorialize her--but it is also for closure for the family. So. I am wondering how to memorialize --honestly--a woman --my Mother--that always presented herself to the outside world--as this saint--but she was very different when it came to her manipulation of the reality of her relationships with her family and others she knew. In real life--she never EVER made a kind gesture like buying flowers for someone she knew --just to let them know she loved them. It was more like something I would have done. And I did often. And she criticized me for it. I was even scolded for buying her a birthday card--she said I spent too much money. She looked at the code that was imprinted on the back of the card. (where you can see how much the card cost in the code) My siblings were all manipulated by her. So much so--that I was pretty much black balled from our family. And now they want me to attend the Memorial. I am worried that they will ask me to speak about her. I am not sure I can--honestly--saying all fake nice --when I know how her fake nice was a beard for her agenda. She died of brain cancer and in the final months she was making sure she used this as a new tool in her NPD tool box. My golden child siblings complied with her wishes. Via her manipulation and legal paperwork. I worry what she has done now--with the remains of her and my Fathers estate--because the golden children are still under her spell. And under her legal direction/wishes--orders to carry out her wishes....I do not think I can feel released from her until this has come to full closure. And then even after that--it will still be difficult I think.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this article. I am struggling with this now. My mother, who I believe is BPD with narcissism and histrionics, is ill with Stage 4 cancer. Her diagnosis now 5 years ago, she's done well on her meds. The diagnosis triggered a bunch of feelings in me -- a desire to lash out at her and try to get some resolution or acknowledgement of the things she'd done, the feeling that I might fall to pieces when she died because I've been in a sick relationship with her so long its become core of my life and I know I will be faced with all the self imposed, internalized limits once she is gone that I might not be able to cope with the realization of how many of y 50 years have not been lived well or fully because I never broke free of hte psychological cage. Although I left home at 18 I never left town and never went no contact. She has no one else now. The history is what you would think. But with her relying on me for so much now, I don't take the "out" of hanging up and taking a couple of weeks off, and as a result, I am exposed to her more and its really affecting me negatively. Just this morning she called me frantic, in a panic, wanting to cancel today's treatment, and hung up on me. An hour later she called me and said aggressively: "Why did you hang up on me?" I said "YOU HUNG UP ON ME!" And then, she said, angrily, challengingly, as though it was clear I had done something very cruel: "So? When were you going to call me back!? " Really???? But this is the kind of daily interaction I have with this cray cray.
ReplyDeleteHere's some resources if you live in the US and have found yourself in the indescribable hell of "caring for" one of these "parents" who's some flavor of Cluster B.
ReplyDeleteOffice for the Aging: Every county has one and they offer all kinds of services. They're a great portal to other local services you don't know about/don't have the time to apply for, engage etc. Get a caseworker to deal with as much as possible. Please note services through Office for the Aging are NOT contingent on income. And if the person is an adult regardless of their age if they're disabled/chronically ill etc. they're eligible.
Hospital Medical Social Worker: Every hospital has one who coordinates services for the patient and family members. What ever facility their health care provider works through is the facility you want to contact and speak with the medical social worker as well as meet with them in person. They can help "remind" the primary to, for example, write an order to get Public Health Services in their home. And for your own sanity, I DO HOPE it's the CB parent's home, NOT YOUR'S.
Hospice: Contact them or have one of your advocates from above contact them. The goal overall is to shield you as much as possible from the predations and no holds barred exploitation by your terminally ill "parent." In other words, start erecting some kind of Firewall between you and The Beast. Death and Dying bring into very sharp focus all the crazy-and attending crazies-in your FOO. Expect the behavior of all involved to spiral downward further proving yet again (and for all eternity) that evil infects everyone who comes in contact with it, and yes, it will get worse.
Caring for a terminally ill loved one is the most exhausting, heartbreaking and demanding experience imaginable when the individual whose death is imminent is someone you love unconditionally and have shared decades with: It is an honor, despite the demands.Caring for a terminally ill abusive CB Parent presents incredible challenges which you do not have to bear alone, and please don't. It doesn't make you "a better person:" It demands you violate your own Truth, your own conscience in service to an Illusion. Don't delude yourself into believing you're going to get anything more than more abuse. Chances are, they'll want to move into your place or have you move into their's: DON'T! It's a trap from which you will never escape-even when they die. There will be yet more opportunities to create yet more horrible memories, more trauma you don't need.
Expect the Control Freakism to explode exponentially. If their Agenda is, for example, to move into your house so you can care for them (and they can disrupt you and your family's lives to the max) they will refuse any other accommodations. Tough shit. This happened to a dear ACON friend of mine whose CB "mother" was dying. Mummy dearest was discharged from the hospital to a hospice facility. Within 48 hrs. The Beast was so disruptive because she thought if she was discharged from or AMA'd from the hospice facility my friend would be OBLIGATED to take her into her home. My friend called me frantically, what to do? The hospice was putting all kinds of pressure on my friend. I told her to hold her ground and tell hospice to discharge her back to the hospital. They did. Mummy dearest continued with her disruptive behavior and finally was chemically restrained (meaning, please pass the Haldol) and Mummy Dearest died 3 days later in the hospital loaded with enough psychotropic meds to make her probably for the first time in her selfish life, manageable.
TW
All of these stories ring true for me. I've concluded my mother was evil. Her children could never do enough, She had one sister so well trained that she became my mother's henchman. Accusations were thrown around like crazy. My mothers birthday became a day of dread for us. She never liked anything. The day after a party she would gossip about us. I bought her a shawl once and she said "that's the most impractical gift I've ever got!" I bought her a cute ceramic trailer once to remind her of her childhood travels and she said " Our trailer didn't look like that!"
ReplyDeleteI tried artwork and she constantly poked fun at it and would say "now what's that suppose to be."
She was a witch. I'm glad she's gone. My sister, the henchman is practically channeling my mothers voice. Its really creepy. She is a clone of my mother. I don't have much to do with her.
I'm a whole person now and I try my best not to be like my mother in any way.
it sounds like we have the same mother :-). I am glad you don't have much to do with your sister. I am going through the same thing with my sister. When I see her all she does is tell me all the awful things my Mom has said about me and all the poor Mom stories. Truth is although I know she is a victim in all this - I can't stand her. and I am going to choose to have little to do with her now going forward. I can tell by your message you are absolutely nothing like your Mother or your sister. Just keep being awesome and don't let them bring you down.
Deletei feel a lot of these stories up here,the manipulations is unmeasurable but il share this... my golden brother never took my back... he became the biggest ignorant bastard , so ignorant he doesn't even know the meaning of the word and i became a wisdom seeker which is how i came upon this but his arrogance lead to drug abuse and now he has had several head operations because of it... My mum still tries to convince me that im ill when confronting her , she even uses my brother with half a head to try back her that i always had a problem... im like "O_Olooolokkkk" these narcissists put us in the worst circumstance to grow in... She didn't want us knowing emotional or academic discipline, she just purely wanted us to be a slave to feed her narcisstic supply... My brother is suffering greatly for his ignorance and not realising our lack of these disciplines and how important it was, im upset for my bro but he beat me up as much as my mum did and as i got older my mum used him as a puppet to beat me... now hes lost a great deal of friends for his dismissive traits he picked up from the witch, continually going out getting drugged up with his friends present.. -_- lool the feeling is like being in the back of a car, my mum driving and my golden brother in the passenger seat and no ones watching the road but me... im telling them look at the road and they both having ago at me for doing so looool soo...i just got out the car.. they cant teach me nothing but through the experience, through the pain it helps me understand others... but still .. to my brothers and sisters on here ... although the experiece have given you a better perspective of others feelings ..still.. DONT LOVE THE PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LOVE YOU!!! One love , stay strong, we are far from alone.
ReplyDeleteMy step-father--always considered him my father passed away in February. He was the kind soul and had a really difficult life. My mother, on the other hand, is monumentally self-absorbed and is probably is a narcissist. When she divorced my bio dad, we crossed state lines, remarried, had my name changed and we left the country to a military base (did not need a passport--new name--different person.) I never had any contact with my bio dad's family.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, I had the odd sense that she was in competition with me. When I suggested that I wanted to be an attorney, she would inform me that I was not smart enough, and even if I was, I was so weak that people would walk all over me. When I suggested anthropology as a career, she told me I would not be safe because I would be out in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of men.Could not outshine Mommy.
When I had a kidney stone attack, and my step-father who had PTSD ran their finances off the rails, my mother called to demand that I get "your fat ass out here, you stupid bitch and clean up this mess. This is beneath me, I should not have to deal with this." When I told her I had just been released from the hospital, she wanted me to take an air ambulance out and "I can take care of you." I asked her if she was planning to pay the six figure amount for my transportation. Silence.
After all the lifetime of nasty things she has done to me and my brother, keeping and or destroying mementos that were left to us by our grandparents, telling my brother that she was washing her hands of him, alienating us from our relatives, trying to start trouble between my brother and his wife and me and my husband, she is alone. My brother for obvious reasons, no longer speaks to her. I apparently have Stockholm Syndrome and do,she is now alone and living on the other side of the country.
My mother has been floating the idea of me and my husband and my son, leaving where we are, moving to where she is and my husband get a job teaching at the local college. I told her it was unrealistic for us to move across country, leave careers, and disrupt higher education. So now she is not taking her medication, not paying her bills, fighting with everyone. She just fired her care givers who were coming in every day, and now has no food in the house and has not taken her blood tests to check on her blood thinner. When her doctor asked her why she has no food in the house and she says she has nobody to drive her.
If you dare to not agree with her 150%, she attacks like a wounded animal, I feel that my mother is playing chicken with me in hopes that I will give up and transport my family across country and give up our careers and education. Or allow her to live with us.I would not feel safe with someone in my house who asks if you disagree with her "you're not going to strike me, are you?"
I want to make sure that she is safe, but I can't make her happy because she is not a rational person and will never be happy. I have a call into the social worker to have an evaluation done so hopefully she will become a ward of the county. I am not sure if she is evil, but her brains is not wired properly.
Hello., thank you for your blog article. I have studied NPD for the last 18 years when I realized the extent of my Mother's NPD disorder. I was the scapegoat for 28 years until my father passed away 2 years ago when for no apparent reason my older sister - the past golden child - became the hated scapegoat and I was back in good graces. My Mother has 6 months or less to live and after a past visit I saw on her desk a letter written to all four of us kids saying who will get what upon her death. It was a horrible letter basically giving the three of us the family heirlooms and my sister nothing. I actually feel so guilty for no longer being the scapegoat because after 28 years it didn't bother me at all and my poor sister who did nothing to deserve this is now devastated. I found your blog and this actually helped me with the guilt. How crazy the power those NPD mothers have or try to have over us kids. I feel guilty because I just don't like her even now or especially now that I am no longer the scapegoat because I can really see now it wasn't me all those years - I did nothing wrong just like my sister now has done nothing wrong. I am not sad that she is dying and although we have kind of made peace with each other, I never want to see her again.
ReplyDeleteSo anyone reading this - try really hard not to feel guilty about your feelings. You are not the one who needed help and you can not help a narcissist.
Thank you for letting me vent :-).
Here I am looking after my terminally I'll mother and knowing that she will pass and I will never hear her tell me she loves me, I have accepted that. I would like to make peace with her but know that she will never open up and just talk to me, I'm trying not to feel guily about my feelings, I'm just saddened that things will be left unfinished and I will be left again to clean up the mess she leaves behind, thank you for the blog it makes me realise that I'm not alone
ReplyDeleteI just found this site. My mother and sister both have NPD. My mother is terminally ill and is behaving horribly. My niece just had a little girl and my mother and sister are both out of their minds with nastiness.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the article. I am going to look like a real jerk in the coming months as my mother meets her end. However, I will do what I must to protect my own family.
Having had a psychiatrist diagnose a narcissistic mother and golden child brother, and the rest as flying monkeys, I did some further research of my own. YouTube channels especially, plus Gail Meyers. Having experienced triangulation and gaslighting, I purchased a recording device and recorded the abuse, by tucking the slim recording device inside my bra. It picked up everything - the ranting, the raging, the abuse, like no-one would ever believe or had ever heard from her in her life. Whenever anyone doubts me, I play it to them.
ReplyDeleteSo, if you are a scapegoat, a small dictaphone on Record inside your clothing is your most effective secret weapon.
Now you have taken away their ability to call you a liar and deny their behaviour.
My mother died this week and vitamin is only through searching the internet that I have realized that there is a name to her disorder...that despite the fact that I work in psychiatry. I feel both a massive relief and sadness that matters will never be resolved and in fact worsened in their level of toxicity in the last few weeks to the point that it was a cancer in and of itself. There is so much more I could write and perhaps I will. But girl the moment I simply want to say that's for making me realize ths8it is not I that is made...useless...a failure...someone to be ashamed of...a waste of space...and that I am not alone. Thank you...........
ReplyDeleteMy mother is evil and tried to destroy me and my sister, I can only take care of me and say she is a monster. I am not going to her death bed or funeral, in this toxic family I will always be the scapegoat, the outcast. I cast them out of my life, they are toxic and mentally ill, this family always was and will be. I moved on to healthier, no longer the prisoner and victim. It was awful growing up and even in recent years the triangulation. There is only self protection and living my true self life. I offer the world my best and to move into my new career to a happy life ahead, to help others with my talents. I have a joy of life and my own well being as an example and inspiration to us survivors. The end of them and a beginning to health and wellness.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing to read an article like this and realize it is a perfect mirror to what we are facing in our own lives. So thank you. It gave us a great deal of comfort. My question is this; is this really a recognized mental condition? In other words, if a parent was diagnosed as mentally insane and they gave their entire estate to the flying monkey, I would imagine a court of law would be able to protect the scapegoat from losing their Birth Right simply because the one surviving parent was insane.
ReplyDeleteBased on our experience and your very accurate depiction of what we are going through, I feel the condition and behavior seems completely insane. Do you have any advise on this or someone you can point us to.
Thanks you again.
My NM (who I am NC with) has colon cancer. It is slightly ironic, as she spent all her life (she never worked after marrying my father) doing activities which were intended to make her live to 100 (her goal). She was anorexic and a "health food nut"/ "fitness fanatic". She now has all sorts of things wrong with her. My father, on the other hand, drank and smoked for much of his life and although he no longer smokes on doctor's orders, is still working at 76 and as bright as a button. I can't help thinking how much more important it is to foster something of a relaxed attitude to life, rather than always worrying "what will the neighbours think"?
ReplyDeleteShe was never invested in family in any shape or form and her biggest regret (and hatred) was her husband and child. She was always so unhappy, and I am not quite sure why, as owing to my father's support she was always able to maintain a comparatively high standard of living.
I for one am very glad I no longer have to deal with her BS and though I went through and continue to go through soul-searching, in my 40s I am now clear about one thing: I will not accept anything less than quality relationships in my life, whether they be friendships, business relationships, family or romantic relationships. That does partly depend on my own behaviour towards other people too, of course. Self-respect, carrying oneself well, and a modicum of respect towards other people goes a long way.
My therapist guided me after 35 years of mass confusion
ReplyDeleteI lost my mother at the beginning of August. Since then I have felt exhausted and find it difficult to get through the day. I suspect this is a stress reaction rather than a grief reaction. Has anyone else had this, and what did you do about it?
ReplyDeleteMy ex-husband sent me this article. He thought it would be an interesting read. It definitely was. Thank you for sharing and for being completely vulnerable. I shared the article on Facebook along with the information on Dr. Karyl McBride’s book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough-Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”. I received some very supportive responses and as a result, a small support group has formed within a close circle of friends. The members are reading the aforementioned book, which I found extremely helpful and then we’re going to take the journey through Dr. McBride’s Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Virtual Workshop as a group. Thank you for this spot-on account of what it is like being raised by a narcissistic mother and for opening the door to my next adventure in healing and my life’s purpose! Namaste.
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