Do Not Become a Narcissist's Flying Monkey Video © by Gail Meyers A narcissistic personality disordered mother has flying monkeys. This is a term taken from The Wizard of Oz , where the flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch. The flying monkeys may be your neighbor, church members, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, nieces, nephews, etc. These people do the narcissist's dirty work and often pour their own abuse on the scapegoat. I spent years of my life trying to show various flying monkeys the truth. It virtually never worked, not once in the twenty or so years I kept trying to "clear the air" or to finally be understood. They do not understand because they do not want to understand. Many are willfully ignorant and blind to the situation. There is not some magical phrase and method you have not yet discovered that is suddenly going to cause these people to stand up for the truth. What I have realized is t
Information and Validation for Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
My story is pretty horrific. My twin sister, who had a pretty rough life up until 2003, came to live with me after I got rid of my N husband. We had a great time shopping, going out, swimming, gardening and singing together. I gave her everything she did not have before. Then in 2006 my twin became terminally ill with Hep C. When I called our older N sister to tell her how bad my twin's illness was, our older N sister only response was, "Tell her to stop drinking." I was shocked at her evil response and promptly told her to never call or bother us again. For the next seven months, our older N sister never bothered us or asked anyone else how my twin sister was doing. In August of 2007, my twin sister took a turn for the worst. She had to be put on life support. I made the mistake of calling our older N sister. The doctors told us that my twin would have to remain on life support for nine days at the most. 16 days later, she was still in a coma and not responding. The doctors tried to wake her out of the coma. For six weeks I stayed by my twin sisters side all weekend long and every night after work. One night, after the doctors tried to wake up my twin sister, a nurse showed me that my twin was not going to make it. She told me even if she woke up she would die shortly after. I went home in shock. I called my N sister, my twin's youngest daughter, my other sister crying and telling them what the nurse told me. That night I had a dream. My twin came to me and told me she was not coming home with me. I said goodbye to her that night. The next morning I went to the hospital to find that my N older sister and my niece trying to kick me out of the hospital calling me a murder. My twin was still not awake. I was so frightened by them I couldn't even go to the hospital when I thought they might be there. I went early in the morning or late at night. But I was so harassed by my N sister and niece I was fearing for my own life. I stopped going to the hospital for about four days. Then I got a phone call saying my twin was awake and she was calling for me. My niece, my twin sisters youngest daughter, went nuts! She ran to my house banging on my door screaming that she wished I was the one who would die. When she left I ran to the hospital and found my twin sister unable to speak, move or breathe. My twin sister mouthed to me to, "Please help me!" I held her hand and told her how I had been trying, but our family has gone off the deep end. I told her she had to figure out how to tell everyone what she needed. Then my twin sister's husband came in the room and threw me out. They threatened a restraining order on me to keep me away from my dying twin sister! After that I stayed away from the hospital from fear of what my family was going to do to me. My N sister and niece convinced my whole family that I wanted my twin to die and thought I would actually "pull the plug" to make sure my twin died. About four days later, I got a call from my older N sister telling me that they moved my twin to another hospital in Sacramento. I ran to the hospital to go see my twin. Again, I was harassed, stocked, and blamed for my twins coming death. After just a few days the doctors told us that my twin was not going to make it. My twin was able to communicate that she no longer wanted to be on any life support. My twin was taken off life support that day. Everyone expected her to die that night, but she did not. My twin's youngest daughter insisted that her mother should come home to her house to die. Again the situation became so frightening I had to just give up and go home knowing my twin was going to die anytime now. I was harassed with hateful phone calls, visits to my house and threats of of bodily harm. I was banned from my twin sisters death and her service. The worst part was when I read the obituary, my niece barely mentioned that her mother had a twin sister.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. It seems narcissistic families make traumatic experiences as much more traumatic as they possibly can for certain members. I am glad you had such good times with your sister prior to all of this. I encourage you to reach out to a grief group or therapist to come along side you in your healing process. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
DeleteOh dear God I'm SO sorry anon. I have gone through tragic narc life altering attacks & one right now that's threatening to be the end of me but I'll survive it. I'm SO sorry. I just lost a set of twins 1st trimester. Twins have a special bond & I think they were ALL threatened by your connection. Your Older N sister was probably ALWAYS secretly jealous & this was her moment to shine in her darkness. Your Twin KNOWS the truth & loves you.
DeleteI am sorry to hear what your disfunctional and crazy family did. Sounds like mine. I have cut off contact with them and am doing much better.
DeleteHi there
ReplyDeleteYes I can relate and in fact I have self-esteem because I have had an ignoring mother.
the question for me is about validation.
there have over the years been so many lies said about me I didn't recognise the person they were saying I was.
I was the scapegoated one. Independent, strong, creative etc.
What hurts the most is the truth. The lies have separated me from my brothers and other close family. Over the years my mother has said things to people behind my back and they just cut off! I became aware of this pattern only in the last few years, once I had realised that my mother had some issues.
I love my mum and despite my years of attempts and trying to resolve or discuss anything with her, although at some points she did acknowledge that it was her and not me, and that I have been protected from the dysfunctional family elements.
Validation and truth matters to me. I have tried to find the truth, but also have realised that by others knowing the truth it will leave my mother in a situation that she refuses to be put in, so she does the divide and conquer and all communication is through her. Siblings are separated and my brother believes everything she says. People say she is nice and have the wrong idea of me, even my neice, who I hadn't been allowed to see for the first 18 years of her life, sends a FB messages, saying that she is told that I am psychopathic, a lier, etc etc - all the things that my mother is.
My auntie has confirmed my understanding (rather sadly) because her own experience of my mum has been the same.
How can I be free from the lies and slander over my name, identity, personality etc etc.
Will the family close to my mother always believe her and 'hate' me.
I have been described as the nicest one out of all of them, the creative, sensitive and intelligent one.
I am ok just have a deep sadness and a strong feeling of rejection which I need to continue to put into perspective.
how do I stop her from continously lying about me, despite her denial every time.
I am not in her life much at all, and haven't been for the last 30 years (because of her rejection of me) despite my efforts over the years. But what upsets me the most are the lies and slander even today, the gossip - this awful false portrayal of me. Well the Scapegoated person that is me.
how can I get her to stop this slander once and for all and let me live in peace from today?
Many thanks
sara
Go No Contact. It wont stop her, nothing will. Reacting to it rewards her behavior, its what shes going for. Cut her off enjoy the peace, move on, dont look back. Sounds harsh? Shes much more harsh to you!
DeleteI'm so sorry. I relate to what your saying. My Nmother, Enabling father and Golden child narcissistic brother did the same to me. Yes, the smear campaign extended to my niece, nephew, uncles, aunts, cousins - even my own child.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, there's nothing you can do. I came to the conclusion that if they want to believe such hideous things and can be manipulated by a con, why would I want them in my life?
Setting the record straight, or trying to, ends up as a disaster.
1. They are still in contact with the narcissist and relay everything you told them. This is turned on you " See? I told you she was a liar."
2.They get really vicious. If you think it was bad before you decided to open your mouth, think again. Believe me, they save the "best" for last.
3. There's a time element at work. They have been doing this to you for years ( in my case decades) before you know what's really going on. There are two elements to that:
a) There is no way they will allow you to expose them. They got away with it this long and its been too much fun and useful. They'll never let you take that away.
b) People don't like to know or believe they acted the way they have towards you because they were told to by liars and evil people. In addition, I have found that the flying monkeys have issues and enjoyed being "superior" to you in as much as they believe THEY have higher morals and standards of behavior than you do. They get a rush out of that. There is no way they will accept they were manipulated and played. Oh no...Not Them! So, you are blamed by trying to "accuse" them of being gullible and not smart enough to see the truth. Just another mark against you.
Realize you are in the presence of supreme evil when you are around any of them. If you are speaking to your niece, know that everything you write to her is being reported and twisted. I tried it once, too. They are just trying to get information from you to continue the game.
Sara, if you went No Contact then stick to it. You will never be able to fix what was done. The hideous part is, the narcissist knows this. The best revenge is to live a life free of ALL them. I know..it's family and families aren't suppose to do this to you. But, a family headed by a narcissist is no family.
Im 41 years old and just woke up to the fact that I have been surrounded by narcissist my ENTIRE life. I have always felt like the blacksheep of the family but my worst imaginations came true this last year as I divorced my drug addict husband. The family that always made sure I relied on them for everything suddenly turned on me after I told my mother that it was NOT ok for her tell my children to keep secrets from me. One night while staying the night with their grandma my 13 year old pretended to be me, called Verizon and turned her cell phone back on after I had turned it off as a consequence for her behavior earlier in the week. My mom knew of all this and told my 9 year old daughter that she better not tell on her sister and this was to be secret from me. Obviously, my daughter told me and the nightmare of the last year began to unravel. When confronted my mom turned my entire family against me saying that I had disrespected and devastated her. Then, as if that wasn't crazy enough they decide to show up in court with my drug addicted ex-husband and wrote letters to the judge to tell her that I was mentally unstable & even bipolar and my 3 children needed to be removed from my home immediately until I sought help!!! All the while their father still cannot produce a clean drug test, has supervised visits every other week for 8 hours BUT I"M the unfit parent??? I have never had a claim made against me as a parent in my entire life and suddenly I'm an unfit parent. I went thru hell for a week trying to prove that these allegations were untrue. I have been in a state of unacceptance this last year. I cannot wrap my mind around how family can do something so evil. Even my extended family (their flying monkeys) have stopped speaking to me. I have attempted to keep my family from my children however, they get together with my ex on his supervised visits to see my children. Its disgusting. With family like this, who needs enemies.
ReplyDeleteThis article IS exactly my situation. My narc mother has been smearing a campaign against me for decades. Now she has manipulated my own daughter against me. My daughter is an adult now. Everyone in my entire family hates me. Distant relatives I was nice too no longer respond to my messages. How did that happen? It was the smear campaign. If I dare say anything, I am labeled as "bipolar" (I am not bipolar). I even had to have an attorney draw up a letter asking that they stop talking negatively about me, and slandering me. They in turn got an attorney, and responded that I am no longer allowed to talk to them either. Yet, they added my daughter on Facebook? I am beyond pissed. Do I stop my relationship with my own daughter now too?
ReplyDeleteMy Nfamily has done the same with my daughter - my only child. But, don't think they just thought of doing this because you went No contact. They would have done this if you didn't.
ReplyDeleteThe narcissists worse fear is exposure. Hence: The Smear Campaign. Also, ruining any relationship you have is their hallmark - especially with your own children. Isolation of a victim is an abusers first-line defense - and it works.
Have you asked your daughter "Why?". Does she have any idea of the abuse you endured and that your mother is an evil narcissist? Does she know the depths of a clinical narcissist?
Until you have those answers and inform your daughter using solid articles off the web of a narcissists smear campaign, I would be very careful what you say to your daughter. You're her mother. Only you know how she'll react to you educating her. Do it calmly and face-to-face. Don't send or write ANYTHING to her on the internet. It can be too easily forwarded and "inspected" for more ammunition against you. Don't publish your defense.
I too, have been shunned by my entire family - Distant relatives included. Labels like: Pathological liar, Monster, Bipolar, mentally ill, "shouldn't be around your children"...the usual N scare/smear tactics...have been applied to all us scapegoats long before we knew what was happening.
Also, be aware your mother, more than likely, isn't the only narcissist in the family. When I became aware, I began to look at my extended family and saw the same behavior in many. So, why wouldn't they be authors of their own smear campaign and subscribe to others?
Birds of a feather... protect each others evil.
My Nmother had 3 younger siblings. Out of four children, THREE scapegoated and shunned their youngest or only daughters. Coincidence? I don't think so! I was shunned by all until they became shunned themselves. That's when we began comparing notes. But, it took decades. We were ALL good daughters: talented, intelligent, quiet, no drugs, giving, compassionate, sensitive AND obedient, fearful, abused, traumatized, deceived, betrayed, smeared and suffering with C- PTSD. It's the only family inheritance we will or ever receive.
Your first priority is to attempt to preserve a open, loving, trusting relationship with your daughter. Don't let it go by too long. Get to the bottom of it now.
Good Luck! My prayers are with you.
xoxo
I clicked on this site for information as well as validating what I already know to be true:
ReplyDeleteMy NPD mother, at 81, still indulges in her rage/slander campaign, particularly when she has the prospect of regaining contact with one of her "Golden Children."
My older siblings are her "Golden Children" - I was assigned the role of "Scapegoat."
Mom, after years of crazy-making was ostracized by both of her "Golden Children." She has been completely cut off from her "beloved special ones" as well as her grandchildren.
Because I objected to their bandwagon of crazy-making (Which they learned from Mom) or punishing her by proxy, I was also ostracized by them.
No explanation.
No negotiation.
No discussion.
I've not seen or heard from them nor my nieces and nephew for three years.
At first, I was hurt by the sudden silence and rejection by my siblings, but then my life improved by the loss of negativity and I noticed that the absence of Mom's "Flying Monkeys" invoked feelings of personal well-being. I was no longer being openly judged or forced to endure harsh criticism or my friendships with others sabotaged by my siblings. I was free.
I've tolerated Mom's repeated mockery of my gifts, my appearance, criticizing things I enjoy - books movies, etc., because I don't see the point in creating more negativity for myself or others by retaliating or trying to make her see the error of her ways. She will never face herself, nor will her "Golden Children"; she taught them to ridicule and punish anyone they deem undeserving of love or respect.
I was labeled from an early age by our mother, the 'mistake,' the 'accident' - she perpetuated her disapproval of me and had willing allies in my siblings who took it in turn to emotionally and physically abuse me throughout the years I lived at home.
My mother and siblings are broken people: spiteful, rage-a-holics who've never actually faced their issues. Being isolated from them is a blessing.
I've grown to believe that toxic people are a form of social cancer. They cause misery and destruction: Narcissists are soul murderers. Better to walk away and never look back: That is the path to recovery from abuse by Narcissists.
I wish healing for all those struggling with NPD people in their lives and Peace be with everyone.
thanks for this site and everything gail!thanks for letting us post anon. due to my privacy disorders;). i left the country at 18. saw my parents once a year and had to return at 50.i got to see that everything i thought i had dramafied was dead true.i'll be here maybe for 1 year more.i do not make eye contact or say much to my mother, t-rex. i do not engage or argue rage or despair.i avoid being in the same room with her about 98% of the time.she is now 81 and has Alzheimers and cant keep track of all her hate.i awaken almost every morning listening to her beg cajole and threaten my father to throw me out. its waves of fear she sends up the stairs with her evil very loud voice. contact only begets conflict.conflict is what she feeds on.i will not feed her.she is amoral, i do not argue with people who otherwise would be in a home for the criminally insane.they will never ever give you what you want.good luck to all.dont try to figure it out.it it feels bad,remove yourself physically from the source.!
ReplyDeleteI live with a husband who is like this, he is simply evil incarnate., he has done so much damage I just stay as distant as I can and share nothing. oddly, he goes into screaming rages at me claiming that I am a narcissist and have no sympathy for him etc etc, his whole family are like this. I have nothing to do with them. the sad thing is that he has damaged my relationship with my child, I keep hoping it will heal as she gets older and wiser. the slander is the worst. the way people who you have only a passing relationship with look at you, it is awful. I have spent 10 years in therapy with him,, he refuses to change, it just gave him more abuse information he re writes history all the time, I just don't respond anymore,. the only conversation I have with him now is about doing something around the house. oddly, he wants we to go everywhere with him, I don't want to go, and don't know why he keeps insisting on this.. I just pray constantly that I and my child will survive this., that is all I have now,
ReplyDeleteI'd like to add smear campaign by proxy. My brother who is 3.5 years older that molested me from age 7-12 and yep that's age 11 for and 15.5 for him when he stopped the sexual aspect of the abuse the emotional abuse was ongoing. But he what he did to me made Josh Duggar look like Captian Kangaroo My parents considered it something that happened between us because the one time he went to therapy and charmed the therapist into believing I was enjoying it too much for it to have been abuse. And that was it for my FOO case closed. I never bought it but at the time life was exciting his kids were being born and as long as I did not bring up his abuse his wife and I got along very well she was a very loving mom . She found out about it all of this right after they got married. When I retold my mother, first time I told her I was 8 and told my father and a few extended family members, The narrative was we can't choose between our children so don't ask. My brother never finishes anything a.He left the private college my father worked so hard to pay for
ReplyDeletewith a decent GPA and 10credits left to graduate. He went bankrupt twice was a philanderer over his 20 year marriage to his devoted wife that he praised and put on a pedestal. Finally he defrauded my fathers company nearly went to jail and after my law savvy sister in law worked to get him out of the mess. He cheated on her and left her another woman .
Then the attack and devaluing of my sister in law began. As I watched in shock I saw myself, she was the new scapegoat and they were turning her children slowly against her.
I say smear by proxy because I'm a good person. I have been blessed enough to come out the other side of this with a happy marriage and wonderful friend some family I trust so they don't smear me they say I've been influenced by my sister in law who is bitter because two of her three kids choose to live with their father and his girlfriend.By this point my 15 year old nice was 4 month pregnant and even after my brother hit her and left briušes on her (before pregnancy) . My brother has no boundaries so she did not have to consider adoption and told her she and her boyfriend could live next door. My sister in love (that's what I call her new) had no chance . The new girlfriend had financed the "Disney world" option. My brother was broke.
Slowly my parents came over to my brother side demonizing his x . It was subtle but shameful at the same time . My father would write coy Facebook posts like I'm so proud that two of my grand children have made such good choices with their lives. Leaving out my poor nephew who dared take a stand against the false narrative and stayed with his mother.
The uglier the custody battle got the more I new for the good of the kids the truth about my brother abusing me would have to come out. I told my parents when I'm asked I would tell the truth.They were always silent. So the day came when the psychologist making a recommendation called and I told her the truth. She thanked me and said I need to let you know your family is insisting you are bipolar and therefore an unreliable witness. I do not think that s true but I thought you should know.
I was finally mad enough . I had one last phone call to confront my father. He did not bother to deny it and said they had noticed somethings. Really? So that was it. I was done. basically told them I hope its fun living with my stable reliable brother in old age because they wont be sucking me back into this mess. There should be plenty of money and security oh wait you'll be broke because hell have found some new way to ruin himself you'll pay for...soo twisted.
Thank you for this wonderfully well written blog. My favorite part was:
ReplyDelete"People who love you, will love you regardless of what a narcissist tells them. People who are interested in the truth, will inquire rather than accuse. There are good reasons why the flying monkeys in my extended family were flying monkeys in the first place. I consider it a reflection on them, not me and I have never regretted going no contact with them."
So, so true!
Going no contact has given me peace. I no longer care what they say or who they say it to. Those who know me don't listen. I am not looking for validation, an apology, or acceptance I just want to be left alone. signed the Scapegoat--
ReplyDeleteYou ARE good!
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