Tactics of a Narcissistic Mother by Gail Meyers

The Narcissist's Smear Campaign


Those who gossip to you will gossip about you
Narcissistic Mother's Smear Campaign Video by Gail Meyers



© by Gail Meyers
The narcissist's smear campaign involves gossip, lies and slander. You can become the target of a narcissist's smear campaign for numerous reasons. It can be anything from their insane jealousy, to the fact that the narcissist knows you see through their facade, to concealing their abuse or for simply disagreeing with them.

In my experience, the smear campaign is always used by abusers for what they consider premeditated damage control in anticipation of exposure. My alcoholic pedophile step-father used it during the years he sexually abused me, as well as continuing in it once I was an adult. Of course, that was first and foremost to keep me quiet about the abuse. Secondly, it was an attempt to discredit me so no one would believe me should I decide to tell. My narcissistic personality disordered mother used smear campaigns against her scapegoat children, anyone she was jealous of, anyone who attempted to hold her accountable, and anyone who saw through her facade.

The smear campaign may be going on behind your back during your relationship with a narcissist and may accelerate when the relationship ends, regardless of who ended it. Whatever the relationship, the smear campaign is intended to discredit and isolate you, manufacture fear, hurt you and label you as inferior. It is just one more form of intimidation and bullying used by abusive narcissistic manipulators.

This article explores the smear campaign, including real life examples of how smear campaigns were used in combination with other manipulation tactics by my narcissistic personality disordered mother. Options to consider if you are the target of a narcissist's smear campaign are also provided.

What is Gossip?

The Oxford Dictionary defines gossip as "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." Gossip is speaking about someone, including details that are not confirmed to be true, who is not present to defend themselves. Gossip often involves:
  • Slander - lies about a person that cause damage.
  • Secretly telling others personal information that may be true, but was trusted to the gossip as private or confidential.
  • Backbiting - spreading spiteful information without the person being there to defend themselves.
  • Mockery - presenting the gossip in the form of a joke at the expense of the person being discussed.
  • Planting seeds of doubt, distrust or discord with lies, innuendo or implication.

     

    The Triangulation of Gossip

    Ideally, when someone has an issue with you, they speak directly to you about it. However, in dysfunctional families and relationships, the person may speak to everyone but you about it. This is triangulation, speaking to a third-party about something that should be addressed directly with the other person involved. Some people may do this out of habit or because they never learned healthier ways to communicate. Some may be concerned by the reaction they might get should the issue be addressed directly. Then there are those who do this intentionally for manipulation, character assassination and smear campaigns.

    Let's use the example of Grandmother, Mother and Daughter. Daughter did something Mother did not like, but instead of telling Daughter, Mother tells Grandmother about it. This might be an old habit for Mother and she may not have bad intentions by doing it. She may not even realize the damage it can do unless someone points it out to her. This triangulation can potentially damage Daughter's reputation in Grandmother's eyes while also never giving Daughter the opportunity to address the issue with Mother and come to resolution.

    What the Bible Says about Gossip

    The Bible has much to say about gossiping. Here is a sampling of the verses, followed by a brief video on the topic.
    • A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. Proverbs 16:28
    • There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. Proverbs 6:16-19
    • Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Psalms 34:13
    • Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly I will destroy. Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure. Psalm 101:5
    • They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips. Romans 1:29
    • As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him. Titus 3:10


    The Smear Campaign Wrapped in Fake Concern

    This is how a narcissist gossips without appearing to be slandering anyone. The narcissist may even be perceived as a concerned, caring person. For example, Narcissist Mother again talks to Grandmother about Daughter. This time Narcissist Mother expresses her great concern to Grandmother about Daughter's fragile emotional state. In reality, Narcissistic Mother is being abusive and Daughter is responding to the abuse, but Narcissistic Mother is using that response as proof of your instability. So in a very real sense, the narcissist uses your reactions of anger, frustration or outrage to their abuse, to cause you to look crazy to other people.

    Here, Thomas Sheridan, author of Puzzling People: The Labyrinth of the Psychopath, shares his insight into the smear campaigns of psychopaths in the political arena and the workplace.



    The Smear Campaign While Playing the Victim

    The narcissist will often use more than one of these manipulation tactics together. For example, this is one of my narcissistic personality disordered mother's favorite maneuvers. She would verbally assault me, then scapegoat by telling everyone I verbally assaulted her while wrapping it all in fake concern. This was her concealing her abuse by playing the victim while vilifying the true victim. She would then tell everyone who would listen how she was verbally assaulted, while imposing the silent treatment on me.


    Then at whatever point we spoke again she would gaslight me by rewriting history and claiming I owed her an apology. This is often how she concealed her abuse, garnered pity, and rallied the flying monkeys for abuse by proxy. This is exactly how she destroyed many of my late brother's extended family relationships, too. She also destroyed as many of my relationships as she possible could in this manner. This maneuver is narcissistic crazy-making extraordinaire!

    The Smear Campaign to Inflict Abuse By Proxy

    In virtually every story my narcissistic personality disordered mother ever told she was either the innocent victim or the hero - or both. For example, take the scenario of Narcissist Mother verbally assaulting Daughter then flipping the tale in her slanderous gossip to portray herself as the innocent victim to Grandmother. This is to build the narcissist up while tearing you down.




    Now Narcissist Mother calls her narcissistic supply and flying monkeys to tell all of them this fictitious tale. Flying monkeys is a term taken from the Wizard of Oz in which the flying monkeys did the Wicked Witch's bidding. In the same way, narcissists have flying monkeys and in my mother's case she loved to manipulate them with guilt and pity. So attacking someone, then flipping the tale to portray herself as the innocent victim not only garnered pity for her and harmed her scapegoat, but also called her flying monkeys into action to inflict her abuse by proxy. In other words, she intentionally triangulated in order to manipulate others into doing her bidding.

    The Narcissist's Thinking on the Smear Campaign

    A narcissist does not play fair, but vicious and dirty while telling themselves you deserve it. I am convinced my narcissistic personality disordered mother did not see her behavior as evil, but that she was outsmarting her enemy. So, for example, if a normal healthy person did something devious, backstabbing and vicious, they would likely reflect on it and feel remorse. My narcissistic personality disordered mother never displayed remorse or apologized, even on her deathbed. Instead, there were times, if you were watching for it, you would notice the smirk on her face or the glimmer in her eye. I am convinced it was giving her a rush of feeling superior, as well as satisfaction of thinking she was getting away with it.

    The point of the smear campaign is to discredit you while making the narcissist look like the healthy one. It is to keep you quiet and isolated. That way should you decide to attempt to expose the narcissist no one believes you or you look like the hateful or unstable one. Ideally, the narcissist wants everyone on their side leaving you no support or validation.

    Narcissistic Mother's Smear Campaign quote by Gail Meyers
    Narcissistic Mother's Smear Campaign


    An Average Person's Thinking on the Smear Campaign

    The average person who has never dealt with a narcissist often thinks one of a few things. They may very well not have any idea what the narcissist is truly doing until after the damage is done. The person may see hints of the damage or perhaps begin getting what appears to be illogical or negative responses from others. They may have a sense of something being wrong, but not be able to clearly articulate the entire matter. The person may consider what the narcissist is doing to be so petty they will just take the high road by ignoring it.

    Whatever the case, I would not wait for the narcissist to have a conscience about their behavior and correct herself. The narcissist is truly playing a different game, and I do think they consider it just that - a game. So while the average healthier person with their own internal controls that will pull them back from such consistent vicious behavior is waiting for the narcissist to realize their behavior is evil or pathetic, the narcissist is feeling smug.


    Many of us assume everyone has the same basic set of human emotions we have, but that is a mistake when dealing with a narcissist. It took me time to grasp this even when it was obvious and pointed out to me. It was just difficult for me to grasp that someone could behave in such a manner and view it as brilliance rather than abuse. It is apples and oranges. The narcissist sees it as proof of their superiority, while the healthier person may well see it as pure and simple evil behavior. Keep that in mind as a possibility with the narcissist you are dealing with in your life.

    How to Respond to a Smear Campaign

    Here are a few things I learned the hard way as a result of being the target of smear campaigns at various times in my life:
    • Learn to recognize the traits of narcissists and psychopaths, including the high conflict cluster B personality disorders. Some of these personalities are known to fool therapists even, but arming yourself with this information is still empowering. The sooner you are able to spot red flags, the better because you can then back up and look at the bigger picture.
    • Learn the common manipulation tactics of narcissists. There may be a nearly infinite number of manipulation tactics, but learning at least the mostly commonly used tactics is empowering. Just being aware of some of the manipulation tactics can make them less effective, as well as greatly reducing the potential confusion they can otherwise cause.
    • Build trust in relationships slowly over time and maintain boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries, that should send up a red flag.
    • Once you realize or suspect you are dealing with a narcissist, seriously consider going no contact.
    • If you maintain contact with the narcissist, at the least stop sharing the intimate details of your life and thoughts. In my experience, having a heart-to-heart with a narcissist only results in the information being used against you, often twisted for inclusion in the smear campaign.
    • Do not be alone with someone who is directing a smear campaign toward you, at all. For example, my mother reserved her rages for times when there were no witnesses. She was then also able to flip the tale and claim I was the one who attacked her. She would not have gone to that extreme in front of another person, and if she had I would have had a witness.
    • Always listen to your instincts or gut feeling even if you are unable to put your finger on the exact reason.
    • Some advise others to confront the narcissist with the misinformation, while others advise taking the high road and ignoring it. I can not tell you which option is best for you in your circumstances. Personally, I corrected the information whenever I became aware of it. I also confronted my narcissistic personality disordered mother, which always ended in her raging and revenge. So be prepared for that reaction should you decide to confront a narcissist. Also, confronting the lies with third parties needs to be done in a calm, rational manner. Outbursts and emotional displays are often used by the narcissist to convince others the person they are targeting with their smear campaign is unstable, mentally ill, etc.
    • That being said, there was a time I spent time and energy attempting to convince flying monkey extended family members of the truth. It was a total waste of my time and energy, never ending in anything other than frustration. People who love you, will love you regardless of what a narcissist tells them. People who are interested in the truth, will inquire rather than accuse. There are good reasons why the flying monkeys in my extended family were flying monkeys in the first place. I consider it a reflection on them, not me and I have never regretted going no contact with them.
    • Refuse to take part in gossip or be part of the smear campaign toward anyone else. This can be difficult and uncomfortable at first if you have a long history of gossiping or if you are in an unhealthy environment, but it is worth the effort. Rather than gobbling up the juicy little morsels a gossip spreads, asking them if they have spoken directly to the person concerned about it will often shut them down. I have also asked questions such as how the person could possibly know such a thing. In my experience, office gossips for example, will quickly learn not to run to you with their gossip if you give any response other than enjoying it and passing it along.


    Join the discussion How Do I Survive a Smear Campaign? on Face the Facts: When a Loved One Has Borderline Personality Forum. Join us on Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother on Facebook.


    Comments

    1. My story is pretty horrific. My twin sister, who had a pretty rough life up until 2003, came to live with me after I got rid of my N husband. We had a great time shopping, going out, swimming, gardening and singing together. I gave her everything she did not have before. Then in 2006 my twin became terminally ill with Hep C. When I called our older N sister to tell her how bad my twin's illness was, our older N sister only response was, "Tell her to stop drinking." I was shocked at her evil response and promptly told her to never call or bother us again. For the next seven months, our older N sister never bothered us or asked anyone else how my twin sister was doing. In August of 2007, my twin sister took a turn for the worst. She had to be put on life support. I made the mistake of calling our older N sister. The doctors told us that my twin would have to remain on life support for nine days at the most. 16 days later, she was still in a coma and not responding. The doctors tried to wake her out of the coma. For six weeks I stayed by my twin sisters side all weekend long and every night after work. One night, after the doctors tried to wake up my twin sister, a nurse showed me that my twin was not going to make it. She told me even if she woke up she would die shortly after. I went home in shock. I called my N sister, my twin's youngest daughter, my other sister crying and telling them what the nurse told me. That night I had a dream. My twin came to me and told me she was not coming home with me. I said goodbye to her that night. The next morning I went to the hospital to find that my N older sister and my niece trying to kick me out of the hospital calling me a murder. My twin was still not awake. I was so frightened by them I couldn't even go to the hospital when I thought they might be there. I went early in the morning or late at night. But I was so harassed by my N sister and niece I was fearing for my own life. I stopped going to the hospital for about four days. Then I got a phone call saying my twin was awake and she was calling for me. My niece, my twin sisters youngest daughter, went nuts! She ran to my house banging on my door screaming that she wished I was the one who would die. When she left I ran to the hospital and found my twin sister unable to speak, move or breathe. My twin sister mouthed to me to, "Please help me!" I held her hand and told her how I had been trying, but our family has gone off the deep end. I told her she had to figure out how to tell everyone what she needed. Then my twin sister's husband came in the room and threw me out. They threatened a restraining order on me to keep me away from my dying twin sister! After that I stayed away from the hospital from fear of what my family was going to do to me. My N sister and niece convinced my whole family that I wanted my twin to die and thought I would actually "pull the plug" to make sure my twin died. About four days later, I got a call from my older N sister telling me that they moved my twin to another hospital in Sacramento. I ran to the hospital to go see my twin. Again, I was harassed, stocked, and blamed for my twins coming death. After just a few days the doctors told us that my twin was not going to make it. My twin was able to communicate that she no longer wanted to be on any life support. My twin was taken off life support that day. Everyone expected her to die that night, but she did not. My twin's youngest daughter insisted that her mother should come home to her house to die. Again the situation became so frightening I had to just give up and go home knowing my twin was going to die anytime now. I was harassed with hateful phone calls, visits to my house and threats of of bodily harm. I was banned from my twin sisters death and her service. The worst part was when I read the obituary, my niece barely mentioned that her mother had a twin sister.

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      1. Anonymous, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. It seems narcissistic families make traumatic experiences as much more traumatic as they possibly can for certain members. I am glad you had such good times with your sister prior to all of this. I encourage you to reach out to a grief group or therapist to come along side you in your healing process. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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      2. Oh dear God I'm SO sorry anon. I have gone through tragic narc life altering attacks & one right now that's threatening to be the end of me but I'll survive it. I'm SO sorry. I just lost a set of twins 1st trimester. Twins have a special bond & I think they were ALL threatened by your connection. Your Older N sister was probably ALWAYS secretly jealous & this was her moment to shine in her darkness. Your Twin KNOWS the truth & loves you.

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      3. I am sorry to hear what your disfunctional and crazy family did. Sounds like mine. I have cut off contact with them and am doing much better.

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    2. Hi there

      Yes I can relate and in fact I have self-esteem because I have had an ignoring mother.

      the question for me is about validation.

      there have over the years been so many lies said about me I didn't recognise the person they were saying I was.

      I was the scapegoated one. Independent, strong, creative etc.

      What hurts the most is the truth. The lies have separated me from my brothers and other close family. Over the years my mother has said things to people behind my back and they just cut off! I became aware of this pattern only in the last few years, once I had realised that my mother had some issues.

      I love my mum and despite my years of attempts and trying to resolve or discuss anything with her, although at some points she did acknowledge that it was her and not me, and that I have been protected from the dysfunctional family elements.

      Validation and truth matters to me. I have tried to find the truth, but also have realised that by others knowing the truth it will leave my mother in a situation that she refuses to be put in, so she does the divide and conquer and all communication is through her. Siblings are separated and my brother believes everything she says. People say she is nice and have the wrong idea of me, even my neice, who I hadn't been allowed to see for the first 18 years of her life, sends a FB messages, saying that she is told that I am psychopathic, a lier, etc etc - all the things that my mother is.

      My auntie has confirmed my understanding (rather sadly) because her own experience of my mum has been the same.

      How can I be free from the lies and slander over my name, identity, personality etc etc.

      Will the family close to my mother always believe her and 'hate' me.

      I have been described as the nicest one out of all of them, the creative, sensitive and intelligent one.

      I am ok just have a deep sadness and a strong feeling of rejection which I need to continue to put into perspective.

      how do I stop her from continously lying about me, despite her denial every time.

      I am not in her life much at all, and haven't been for the last 30 years (because of her rejection of me) despite my efforts over the years. But what upsets me the most are the lies and slander even today, the gossip - this awful false portrayal of me. Well the Scapegoated person that is me.

      how can I get her to stop this slander once and for all and let me live in peace from today?

      Many thanks

      sara

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      1. Go No Contact. It wont stop her, nothing will. Reacting to it rewards her behavior, its what shes going for. Cut her off enjoy the peace, move on, dont look back. Sounds harsh? Shes much more harsh to you!

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    3. I'm so sorry. I relate to what your saying. My Nmother, Enabling father and Golden child narcissistic brother did the same to me. Yes, the smear campaign extended to my niece, nephew, uncles, aunts, cousins - even my own child.

      Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. I came to the conclusion that if they want to believe such hideous things and can be manipulated by a con, why would I want them in my life?
      Setting the record straight, or trying to, ends up as a disaster.
      1. They are still in contact with the narcissist and relay everything you told them. This is turned on you " See? I told you she was a liar."
      2.They get really vicious. If you think it was bad before you decided to open your mouth, think again. Believe me, they save the "best" for last.
      3. There's a time element at work. They have been doing this to you for years ( in my case decades) before you know what's really going on. There are two elements to that:
      a) There is no way they will allow you to expose them. They got away with it this long and its been too much fun and useful. They'll never let you take that away.
      b) People don't like to know or believe they acted the way they have towards you because they were told to by liars and evil people. In addition, I have found that the flying monkeys have issues and enjoyed being "superior" to you in as much as they believe THEY have higher morals and standards of behavior than you do. They get a rush out of that. There is no way they will accept they were manipulated and played. Oh no...Not Them! So, you are blamed by trying to "accuse" them of being gullible and not smart enough to see the truth. Just another mark against you.

      Realize you are in the presence of supreme evil when you are around any of them. If you are speaking to your niece, know that everything you write to her is being reported and twisted. I tried it once, too. They are just trying to get information from you to continue the game.

      Sara, if you went No Contact then stick to it. You will never be able to fix what was done. The hideous part is, the narcissist knows this. The best revenge is to live a life free of ALL them. I know..it's family and families aren't suppose to do this to you. But, a family headed by a narcissist is no family.

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    4. Im 41 years old and just woke up to the fact that I have been surrounded by narcissist my ENTIRE life. I have always felt like the blacksheep of the family but my worst imaginations came true this last year as I divorced my drug addict husband. The family that always made sure I relied on them for everything suddenly turned on me after I told my mother that it was NOT ok for her tell my children to keep secrets from me. One night while staying the night with their grandma my 13 year old pretended to be me, called Verizon and turned her cell phone back on after I had turned it off as a consequence for her behavior earlier in the week. My mom knew of all this and told my 9 year old daughter that she better not tell on her sister and this was to be secret from me. Obviously, my daughter told me and the nightmare of the last year began to unravel. When confronted my mom turned my entire family against me saying that I had disrespected and devastated her. Then, as if that wasn't crazy enough they decide to show up in court with my drug addicted ex-husband and wrote letters to the judge to tell her that I was mentally unstable & even bipolar and my 3 children needed to be removed from my home immediately until I sought help!!! All the while their father still cannot produce a clean drug test, has supervised visits every other week for 8 hours BUT I"M the unfit parent??? I have never had a claim made against me as a parent in my entire life and suddenly I'm an unfit parent. I went thru hell for a week trying to prove that these allegations were untrue. I have been in a state of unacceptance this last year. I cannot wrap my mind around how family can do something so evil. Even my extended family (their flying monkeys) have stopped speaking to me. I have attempted to keep my family from my children however, they get together with my ex on his supervised visits to see my children. Its disgusting. With family like this, who needs enemies.

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    5. This article IS exactly my situation. My narc mother has been smearing a campaign against me for decades. Now she has manipulated my own daughter against me. My daughter is an adult now. Everyone in my entire family hates me. Distant relatives I was nice too no longer respond to my messages. How did that happen? It was the smear campaign. If I dare say anything, I am labeled as "bipolar" (I am not bipolar). I even had to have an attorney draw up a letter asking that they stop talking negatively about me, and slandering me. They in turn got an attorney, and responded that I am no longer allowed to talk to them either. Yet, they added my daughter on Facebook? I am beyond pissed. Do I stop my relationship with my own daughter now too?

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    6. My Nfamily has done the same with my daughter - my only child. But, don't think they just thought of doing this because you went No contact. They would have done this if you didn't.

      The narcissists worse fear is exposure. Hence: The Smear Campaign. Also, ruining any relationship you have is their hallmark - especially with your own children. Isolation of a victim is an abusers first-line defense - and it works.

      Have you asked your daughter "Why?". Does she have any idea of the abuse you endured and that your mother is an evil narcissist? Does she know the depths of a clinical narcissist?

      Until you have those answers and inform your daughter using solid articles off the web of a narcissists smear campaign, I would be very careful what you say to your daughter. You're her mother. Only you know how she'll react to you educating her. Do it calmly and face-to-face. Don't send or write ANYTHING to her on the internet. It can be too easily forwarded and "inspected" for more ammunition against you. Don't publish your defense.

      I too, have been shunned by my entire family - Distant relatives included. Labels like: Pathological liar, Monster, Bipolar, mentally ill, "shouldn't be around your children"...the usual N scare/smear tactics...have been applied to all us scapegoats long before we knew what was happening.

      Also, be aware your mother, more than likely, isn't the only narcissist in the family. When I became aware, I began to look at my extended family and saw the same behavior in many. So, why wouldn't they be authors of their own smear campaign and subscribe to others?
      Birds of a feather... protect each others evil.

      My Nmother had 3 younger siblings. Out of four children, THREE scapegoated and shunned their youngest or only daughters. Coincidence? I don't think so! I was shunned by all until they became shunned themselves. That's when we began comparing notes. But, it took decades. We were ALL good daughters: talented, intelligent, quiet, no drugs, giving, compassionate, sensitive AND obedient, fearful, abused, traumatized, deceived, betrayed, smeared and suffering with C- PTSD. It's the only family inheritance we will or ever receive.

      Your first priority is to attempt to preserve a open, loving, trusting relationship with your daughter. Don't let it go by too long. Get to the bottom of it now.

      Good Luck! My prayers are with you.
      xoxo



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    7. I clicked on this site for information as well as validating what I already know to be true:
      My NPD mother, at 81, still indulges in her rage/slander campaign, particularly when she has the prospect of regaining contact with one of her "Golden Children."
      My older siblings are her "Golden Children" - I was assigned the role of "Scapegoat."
      Mom, after years of crazy-making was ostracized by both of her "Golden Children." She has been completely cut off from her "beloved special ones" as well as her grandchildren.
      Because I objected to their bandwagon of crazy-making (Which they learned from Mom) or punishing her by proxy, I was also ostracized by them.
      No explanation.
      No negotiation.
      No discussion.
      I've not seen or heard from them nor my nieces and nephew for three years.
      At first, I was hurt by the sudden silence and rejection by my siblings, but then my life improved by the loss of negativity and I noticed that the absence of Mom's "Flying Monkeys" invoked feelings of personal well-being. I was no longer being openly judged or forced to endure harsh criticism or my friendships with others sabotaged by my siblings. I was free.
      I've tolerated Mom's repeated mockery of my gifts, my appearance, criticizing things I enjoy - books movies, etc., because I don't see the point in creating more negativity for myself or others by retaliating or trying to make her see the error of her ways. She will never face herself, nor will her "Golden Children"; she taught them to ridicule and punish anyone they deem undeserving of love or respect.
      I was labeled from an early age by our mother, the 'mistake,' the 'accident' - she perpetuated her disapproval of me and had willing allies in my siblings who took it in turn to emotionally and physically abuse me throughout the years I lived at home.
      My mother and siblings are broken people: spiteful, rage-a-holics who've never actually faced their issues. Being isolated from them is a blessing.
      I've grown to believe that toxic people are a form of social cancer. They cause misery and destruction: Narcissists are soul murderers. Better to walk away and never look back: That is the path to recovery from abuse by Narcissists.
      I wish healing for all those struggling with NPD people in their lives and Peace be with everyone.

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    8. thanks for this site and everything gail!thanks for letting us post anon. due to my privacy disorders;). i left the country at 18. saw my parents once a year and had to return at 50.i got to see that everything i thought i had dramafied was dead true.i'll be here maybe for 1 year more.i do not make eye contact or say much to my mother, t-rex. i do not engage or argue rage or despair.i avoid being in the same room with her about 98% of the time.she is now 81 and has Alzheimers and cant keep track of all her hate.i awaken almost every morning listening to her beg cajole and threaten my father to throw me out. its waves of fear she sends up the stairs with her evil very loud voice. contact only begets conflict.conflict is what she feeds on.i will not feed her.she is amoral, i do not argue with people who otherwise would be in a home for the criminally insane.they will never ever give you what you want.good luck to all.dont try to figure it out.it it feels bad,remove yourself physically from the source.!

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    9. I live with a husband who is like this, he is simply evil incarnate., he has done so much damage I just stay as distant as I can and share nothing. oddly, he goes into screaming rages at me claiming that I am a narcissist and have no sympathy for him etc etc, his whole family are like this. I have nothing to do with them. the sad thing is that he has damaged my relationship with my child, I keep hoping it will heal as she gets older and wiser. the slander is the worst. the way people who you have only a passing relationship with look at you, it is awful. I have spent 10 years in therapy with him,, he refuses to change, it just gave him more abuse information he re writes history all the time, I just don't respond anymore,. the only conversation I have with him now is about doing something around the house. oddly, he wants we to go everywhere with him, I don't want to go, and don't know why he keeps insisting on this.. I just pray constantly that I and my child will survive this., that is all I have now,

      ReplyDelete
    10. I'd like to add smear campaign by proxy. My brother who is 3.5 years older that molested me from age 7-12 and yep that's age 11 for and 15.5 for him when he stopped the sexual aspect of the abuse the emotional abuse was ongoing. But he what he did to me made Josh Duggar look like Captian Kangaroo My parents considered it something that happened between us because the one time he went to therapy and charmed the therapist into believing I was enjoying it too much for it to have been abuse. And that was it for my FOO case closed. I never bought it but at the time life was exciting his kids were being born and as long as I did not bring up his abuse his wife and I got along very well she was a very loving mom . She found out about it all of this right after they got married. When I retold my mother, first time I told her I was 8 and told my father and a few extended family members, The narrative was we can't choose between our children so don't ask. My brother never finishes anything a.He left the private college my father worked so hard to pay for
      with a decent GPA and 10credits left to graduate. He went bankrupt twice was a philanderer over his 20 year marriage to his devoted wife that he praised and put on a pedestal. Finally he defrauded my fathers company nearly went to jail and after my law savvy sister in law worked to get him out of the mess. He cheated on her and left her another woman .
      Then the attack and devaluing of my sister in law began. As I watched in shock I saw myself, she was the new scapegoat and they were turning her children slowly against her.
      I say smear by proxy because I'm a good person. I have been blessed enough to come out the other side of this with a happy marriage and wonderful friend some family I trust so they don't smear me they say I've been influenced by my sister in law who is bitter because two of her three kids choose to live with their father and his girlfriend.By this point my 15 year old nice was 4 month pregnant and even after my brother hit her and left briušes on her (before pregnancy) . My brother has no boundaries so she did not have to consider adoption and told her she and her boyfriend could live next door. My sister in love (that's what I call her new) had no chance . The new girlfriend had financed the "Disney world" option. My brother was broke.
      Slowly my parents came over to my brother side demonizing his x . It was subtle but shameful at the same time . My father would write coy Facebook posts like I'm so proud that two of my grand children have made such good choices with their lives. Leaving out my poor nephew who dared take a stand against the false narrative and stayed with his mother.
      The uglier the custody battle got the more I new for the good of the kids the truth about my brother abusing me would have to come out. I told my parents when I'm asked I would tell the truth.They were always silent. So the day came when the psychologist making a recommendation called and I told her the truth. She thanked me and said I need to let you know your family is insisting you are bipolar and therefore an unreliable witness. I do not think that s true but I thought you should know.
      I was finally mad enough . I had one last phone call to confront my father. He did not bother to deny it and said they had noticed somethings. Really? So that was it. I was done. basically told them I hope its fun living with my stable reliable brother in old age because they wont be sucking me back into this mess. There should be plenty of money and security oh wait you'll be broke because hell have found some new way to ruin himself you'll pay for...soo twisted.

      ReplyDelete
    11. Thank you for this wonderfully well written blog. My favorite part was:

      "People who love you, will love you regardless of what a narcissist tells them. People who are interested in the truth, will inquire rather than accuse. There are good reasons why the flying monkeys in my extended family were flying monkeys in the first place. I consider it a reflection on them, not me and I have never regretted going no contact with them."

      So, so true!

      ReplyDelete
    12. Going no contact has given me peace. I no longer care what they say or who they say it to. Those who know me don't listen. I am not looking for validation, an apology, or acceptance I just want to be left alone. signed the Scapegoat--

      ReplyDelete

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