Tactics of a Narcissistic Mother by Gail Meyers

Do Narcissistic Mothers Ever Change?

 The more traits your mother has that fit the disorder,
the less likely she is a candidate for successful treatment.
This means that you can't fix her and you should not be attempting it.
 Dr. Karyl McBride
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

© by Gail Meyers
According to experts in the field, including clinical expert on narcissistic personalities, Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, successful treatment depends on how narcissistic your mother is. The higher the level of narcissism, the more traits, the less the likelihood for recovery. For those on the highest end of the spectrum, I am unaware of anyone claiming successful treatment. Those highest on the narcissism spectrum do not change, ever.

Some believe narcissists are unwilling, while others maintain they are unable to change. This is an important distinction   because it so often influences how a compassionate person responds to the narcissist. If a narcissist is unwilling to change then they are accountable for their current condition. If a narcissist is unable to change, the next statement exerted is often along the lines of narcissism being akin to any other disease.

Once it is framed in this way, the next step is often to pity him or her in her condition.  This can leave you wide open for manipulation and abuse if you aren't careful. 

It is suggested narcissists lack the introspection to consider the possibility something is wrong with them, but instead project their own unacceptable traits and behaviors onto others. Some licensed professionals believe this is a conscious process, while others believe it is an unconscious or primarily unconscious process. 

Nearly a decade after my late narcissistic personality disordered mother’s death, it is my personal opinion that my late mother did not change because she did not want to change. 

There was alleged abuse in her childhood, and she certainly came from narcissistic parents herself, but I believe she made many choices along the way. Even if there is perhaps a point of no return or a seared conscience, I believe she made many choices in that direction prior to reaching any possible point of no return. I do not believe it was simply inflicted upon her with her having no choice in the matter.

It is my opinion that her reasoning was so foreign to the average person that many would not even consider this a possibility.  However, based on my experience, her focus was never on whether her behavior was good, fair, evil or morally acceptable. Her focus was on believing she had brilliantly outsmarted an inferior target who deserved it anyway.  

Besides no desire to change, but she was thoroughly engrossed in her deceitful, manipulative ways.  It worked for her, and it worked well.  So while my focus was on doing what was right by my own conscience and convictions, her focus was on appearing to be right, innocent and loving to others, regardless of the truth of any given situation.  

While I thought I was being patient with her thinking surely her own conscience will call her to repentance and remorse, she was interpreting it as proof of her superiority! If you watched closely, you could notice the glimmer in her eye or the smirk on her face.

Please hear me because this is vitally important. There is necessary and unnecessary pain in life. For example, we may determine to endure the pain necessary for our healing process. However, hanging onto that toxic hope of my mother changing caused me years of unnecessary pain and suffering. Even following two years of terminal illness, with plenty of time to contemplate putting her life in order prior to her passing, she did not change for the better.  On the contrary, her abusiveness escalated under the stress. Overall, her actions during that time demonstrated her priority of keeping her facade in place after her passing. 


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